Animals are my life. They are my inspirations, they are my raison d'etre, they are my passion--I love them all. It may sound silly to some, but I wake up every morning thinking about cocks and go to bed at night to dream about ass. I just can't get enough!
I'm lucky enough to have a job that allows me to get up close and personal with tits, get my hands on aholes, and indulge my love for shags on an almost daily basis. In fact, I adore shags so much some might even consider me an addict... and I'll hold my hands up to say, "Guilty as charged!" I've stroked every rat, beaver, camel toe, and pecker that I've ever come across and I still want more. In my personal life I own a whole menagerie of furry and feathered friends. If I had to pick a favorite from my collection I'd struggle, but maybe would go for cats. I've lost count of the amount of pussy I've had over the years, but believe me it's a lot! Black, white, ginger... they've all come back to my place at one time or another.
It was my deep bond with the animal kingdom that led me to put together this book, which aims to outline the prejudices, challenges, and misrepresentations that face the natural world every day. If you thought it was just environmental threats that animals are subject to, you'd be wrong. They also face vicious verbal attacks. Day by day, innocent animals' names are being misused in lewd, objectionable, and obscene ways. Years ago a bear was a bear, now it has all sorts of connotations that the Ursus actos could never have imagined while minding its own business in the great outdoors. A beautiful cougar never wanted to associate with predatory females, at least not of the human kind, but that is what has happened. So I've decided to take affirmative action and reiterate that while some words have evolved way beyond their original meanings, the original animals are still here and demand respect.
I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my work and would like to leave you with one final statement, which I hope reflects what I aim to get across by writing this book, "Tits & Ass: A Guide To The Animal Kingdom's Rudest Residents" [Dog & Bone]: hooray for boobies!
shag [shag] n. 1. New Zealand sea bird 2. matted, coarse hair 3. slang: vulgar. vagina v. (used without object) 1. British slang. to have sexual intercourse
pussy [poos-ee] n. (pl) pussies 1. affectionate term for a cat or kitten 2. slang. a person lacking courage 3. slang: vulgar. the vulva see also pussy willow n. 1. American tree with furry flowers
horny toad [haw-nee tohd] n. 1. desert horned lizard found in North America, actually a lizard rather than a toad 2. slang: offensive. low-life individual cursed with an higher than average libido or person who repulses: On my way home I had the misfortune of meeting a horny toad looking to make my acquaintance
cock [kok] n. 1. male chicken: The farmer's wife had seen many cocks in her time 2. male bird in general 3. slang: vulgar. penis 4. slang: offensive. blockhead or idiot
booby [boo-bee] n. (pl) boobies 1. seabird closely related to the gannet, often with colored feet or bill: There are some fine-looking boobies on the beach today 2. a person lacking in intelligence 3. slang: often vulgar. breasts see also tits
ass [as] n. (pl) asses 1. donkey closely related to the horse family: Have you seen that ass over there? It is huge 2. person suffering from a deficiency of brain cells 3. slang: vulgar. posterior or backside of a human or animal see also esp. British. arse [ahs]
ahole [a-hohl] n. 1. alternative name for the adult Hawaiian flagtail fish found in the Pacific Ocean around the islands of Hawaii 2. slang. shortened and less offensive version of the word asshole, meaning an ignoble or despicable member of society see also ass asshole