The Internet is, as far as I can tell, a nearly infinite universe of things I do not want to know. I can usually ignore the boasts, the shards of opinion, the superfluous stuff that swirls around on my laptop. But there's one online fact that simply sticks in my craw: There are people out there who have been brazenly using my name.
I know I'm not alone in my agitation. A journalist named David F. Carr, for instance, shares his name with the well-known New York Times writer. It didn't seem so bad, Carr recently said, until he realized the other Carr had years of well-chronicled drug abuse in his past. Confusion with him could be awkward.
As for me, I still recall the night when, shaking at my keyboard, I uncovered search results for an international army of so-called Peter Mandels. There was the Florida salesman of the Pulaski furniture line. The Alaska high school counselor for students with last names R through Z. And the New Jersey gynecologist who uses a "tension free tape procedure" to treat incontinence. Even Peter Mandelson, the British politician, refused to stop popping up when I typed in M-A-N-D-E-L.
On a good day, I came up third or fourth in the Google Order of Mandels. But a naturopath based in Germany was perpetually first, taunting me from the very pinnacle of Peter Mandel-dom. I despised clicking on his website, where he's touted as "a genius phenomenon who, someday, is going to have a place in history" and which went on about things I didn't understand, like a Mandel-invented therapy known as "Esogetic Colorpuncture."
Was there a way, I wondered, for me to regain the pride I had lost: the joy of knowing I was unique? There was. I'd track down the other Peter Mandels and see whether we could hammer out some sort of compromise -- say, dismantling their Web pages or, if they preferred, beginning the process of changing their name.
Sleuthing out the phone numbers of a half-dozen or so Peter Mandels was easy; getting my calls returned wasn't. "He's very busy," the person answering the phone would say, or, somewhat more suspiciously, "He's on a long vacation." I got only this from the German naturopath's assistant: "Just to let you know, Peter Mandel doesn't speak any English." I was reaching the limits of my patience.
After weeks of dialing, I finally got an actual Peter Mandel on the line, one who owns a California radon-mitigation company. "Hello," I began, clearing my throat. "I am concerned about the dilution of the Peter Mandel name." There was a sound that was either a cough or a snort.
Hadn't he Googled himself? Wasn't he aware of all the other Peter Mandels?
"I'm aware," he said.
Didn't we make him jealous? Angry?
Another snort-cough. "The way I come up on Google or you come up on Google is fine," he explained. "My clients come to me, since I handle some very hazardous materials."
I next reached the New Jersey gynecologist. An occasional auto-Googler, Dr. Mandel knew perfectly well that he was sharing search engine space with us and was fine with it. "How would you feel," I asked, "if you disappeared from Google results? Maybe took a break from that?"
There was a moment of silence. "I would not be happy about it," he replied.
This was the point where I should have offered Dr. Mandel a payment. Or made a tearful plea. But I realized I couldn't do it and actually didn't need to.
I mean, sure, there was the radon Peter Mandel, the gynecologist, the German guy -- but I'm the only writer of children's books in the bunch. And what do you think those pretenders know about sneezing leopards? Jackhammer-cracks in city sidewalks? Burger-loving dogs?
You can Google it, but I'd bet nothing. Maybe, just possibly, I am special, after all.
Peter Mandel is an author of picture books for kids, including his read-aloud bestseller: Jackhammer Sam (Macmillan/Roaring Brook), and his newest about zoo animals passing on a very noisy sneeze: Zoo Ah-Choooo (Holiday House).
This piece first appeared in Issue 11 of our FREE new weekly iPad magazine, Huffington, in the iTunes App store.
One guy even has a job very similar to mine and even looks a little like me. Kinda strange.
I read it. I suspected where it was going. Still, I read it anyway.
Shallow and self centered doesn't even come close to my opinion of it.
He is a unique person with his own place in the universe. Yet he is bothered and annoyed that other people out there on the internet have the temerity to use HIS name. Making it harder to find HIM, in all of his singular uniqueness.
When I do a search of my own name I discover I am a Professor, and head of a department, of oral surgery, with many published papers. I am a poor black man living in Texas. I am a convicted and imprisoned felon in Maine. I am married with 8 children in Oregon. I am a gay man in California.
Does that bother me? No, not a bit. I find it highly amusing. Not a single one of these people are ME.
If he is so concerned about his uniqueness in searches, maybe he needs to some suggestions, in the style of internet registration responses to a used name "your choice is already in use. Here are some suggestions."
Like : Peter Mandel314, Peter Mandelisthebomb, Peter Mandelrocks, Peter Mandelwriter1, Peter WashPost Mandel, Peter Mandel69, etc.
Try it. See if it works for you.
Or maybe you can take the McDonald's approach, sue everyone using McDonald's as part of a business name in order to eliminate "confusion in the marketplace."
Are you getting paid for this article?
I was born in the 1970's, and I'm Greg Stevens. It's almost like my parents were deliberately trying to make me a mash-up of popular television characters of the time.
That's gotta suck.