Let Us Drive in Peace

First, drinking. Then talking on the phone. Then text messaging. You'd think the government would cut back on its probes into highway accident-causing activities, but ... no dice.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Board is now set to release a study claiming that undergoing reconstructive knee surgery while driving is "dicey at best."

At this time, the report doesn't reveal the annual number of accidents/deaths attributable to motorists having their knees operated on behind the wheel but it states that "even one is too many."

The testing, performed on 244 red-shirt college football players, concluded that reconstructive knee surgery performed on a motorist is equivalent to a 72.3 blood alcohol reading in its impairment of basic driving skills. Depending on the state, this reading is roughly 91 times the legal limit.

The study reportedly took place on a closed course behind New York's Columbia Agnostic Hospital and showed that 54 percent of test subjects repeatedly drifted across clearly marked lanes just moments after their surgeons made their initial incisions. Equally alarming, at the stage of the operation where an Achilles' tendon donated from a cryo-lab was grafted into the driver's knee, he frequently knocked over bright orange cones before careening head-on into the hospital's valet parking stand.

One NHTSB official, speaking on condition of anonymity because he hates his name, revealed that the impact of these collisions was frequently strong enough to cause serious head and neck trauma to not only the driver, but to the orthopedist and anaesthesiologist as well. Even attending nurses, relegated to the back seat, experienced discomfort and became ether addicts.

However, the official surmised that the results could be somewhat skewed by subjects being under the influence of general anaesthesia.

Curiously, according to the testing, regardless of which knee was being surgically repaired, the results were virtually indistinguishable. Coupled with a thirty-year study recently conducted by General Motors that found that the right knee often plays a more active role in driving than the left, this statistical anomaly may warrant further study.

Another potentially inflammatory result of the study concluded that , when undergoing arthroscopic knee surgery -- a less invasive procedure often requiring only a local anaesthetic and half a Klonopin -- the impact on the driver was only slightly less debilitating. Usually the driver's skills only rose to the equivalent of a subject with 74.3 blood alcohol content, a level many states still classify as "legally shit-faced."

In any case, the study is certain to draw intense criticism from the medical establishment and the American Automobile Association. Already, the release date of the study, set to coincide with National Anterior Cruciate Week, is raising eyebrows.

Dr. Ronald Miniscus was reached by phone so it was difficult to know if his eyebrows were raised, but as social chairman of the American Orthopedist Association, he swiftly refuted the study's findings.

"Reconstructive knee surgery performed on a motorist allows the physician to stop during surgery and purchase gauze pads."

The NHTSB counters that the study was commissioned with no ulterior motive beyond not knowing what to so with $975 million that was left over after its probe into the effects of driving a Miata in the company of an underfed anaconda.

 

 

Comments

[COPerez]

Love the article! And while I understand that it's impossible to know specific people's capabilities, I hate being lumped in with all the other drivers who seem to be unable to talk and drive.

I used to fly helicopters for the Army. We'd fly in the trees - literally - while talking on up to 3 different radios, all while watching out for those trees, birds, wires, and - oh yeah - the bad guys. I'm pretty good at driving and talking (hands free, of course) on a phone.

[lastpost]

Drinking and driving don’t seem the most sensible activities to combine. Surely you tend to spill most of it. But if someone does want to drink and drive, don’t stand in their way.

[PocketWatch]

I get the point. Having said that, I happen to be responsible for the safety program at work. We just did our safety meeting on driving for the company and cell phone use while driving policy. What I found in my research was that in tests, people that were using cell phones while driving were likely to miss HALF of all traffic signals, signs, and other traffic indicators. It was not statistically significant whether a hands-free phone was used or not. There is something about being on the phone that zones people out. It is not equivalent to listening to the radio or a book on tape or having a conversation with a passenger. I don't necessarily favor bans and laws, but it would be wise to keep calls short and to the point, or let the damned thing ring and let voice mail take the call. I'd rather listen to music anyway while I'm in the car...

[robeson]

In San Diego the law against driving and telephoning is not enforced, probably because of cell phone lobby pressure. When law enforcement chooses not to prosecute crimes, the legal system and our moral balance are thrown out of whack. We see financial crimes and perjury routinely dismissed by DOJ on our TV's. Passing more laws that will not be enforced is madness.