While admitting no responsibility for the unfortunate events covering the years 1954-2001, The defendant ( “CORPORATION”) agrees to pay damages to the Townsfolk (“CLAIMANTS”) the sum of eight hundred six trillion dollars ($806,000,000,000,000.00).
In order to prevent a recurrence of the events for which no blame is assigned, The CORPORATION’S Chief Executive Officer agrees to resign his post and, within thirty (30) days, accept a position with one of the following three business entities:
1) Aryan Brotherhood (Accountant/Rabbi).
2) Pelican Bay Super-max Prison (laundress).
3) The New York Knickerbockers (assistant general manager).
In an effort intended solely to avoid further litigation, all members of the BOARD OF DIRECTORS agree to leave the United States of America within forty-eight (48) hours and spend the remainder their natural lives in airless, tse-tse fly-infested, no-indoor-plumbing, poorly-decorated shacks located within any one of the mutually agreed upon totalitarian states featuring average annual rainfalls of no less than 236 inches (Listed below). This “fleeing the scene” and acknowledgment that “Death is too good for us” implies zero admission of guilt on the part of The CORPORATION or its BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
Pursuant to the above but not to be interpreted as an indication of culpability for the severely truncated life expectancies of the TOWNSFOLK, the CORPORATION agrees to ensure that all of their own sons and daughters live squalid, celibate, fanatically right-wing religious (“joyless”) lives in perpetuity.
While recognizing no connection whatsoever between the workings of The CORPORATION and the astronomical levels of toxicity found in the blood streams of all 84,657 Claimants (both living and dead), the BOARD OF DIRECTORS, as a good faith gesture of empathy with the TOWNSFOLK, agrees to inject all executives at/or above the level of assistant stenographer with the Ebola Virus and watch their bodies wither away while listening to Ben Stein read aloud from the collected works of Judith Krantz.
The terms of the above agreement are binding and final, and cannot be altered in anyway unless THE TOWNSFOLK can conjure some other new and/or grotesquely sadistic method of exacerbating the eternal damnation of THE CORPORATION and its BOARD OF DIRECTORS who, in no way, confess liability for anything ever.
Follow Peter Mehlman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@PeterMehlman