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Someone Cut In Line
The Democratic Convention has been thrilling and inspiring. Michelle, Caroline, Hillary, Teddy, Bill, Kerry, Joe... all sublime. And yet, it's been so galling to be constantly reminded that Nancy Pelosi is higher in the line of succession for the presidency than I am.
No, no, no, I'm not kidding around here. I read the Constitution like twenty-five times, I spoke to a fairly competent entertainment lawyer and it's true: If the unthinkable happened, the unthinkable would happen. Nancy. Pelosi. Would. Be. President. Before. Me.
It's bad enough that Ms. Pelosi would assume the presidency ahead of say, Gloria Allred or Lyle Menendez, but me? What did I do in a previous life to be treated so shabbily? The answer is nothing, because there's no such thing as a previous life. So what did I do in this life to be knocked so far down the line of succession? No idea. Last week, I tucked an exposed label back inside the collar of a friend's shirt... that alone should be put me a minimum of three thousand slots higher on the ladder for the presidency than Ms. Pelosi.
Granted, it's reassuring to think that when we were told as children that anyone can become president of the United States, it wasn't just lip service. But you'd think for such a big job, there would be some basic job skill requirements. Speaking ability, a flair for not annoying people, a knack for following through on subpoena power. Hey, I like having a lot of options I'll never exercise as much as the next person, but a subpoena for Karl Rove? I'm hand delivering that one myself and that's a promise, my fellow Americans.
On the opening night of the convention, we all saw Ms. Pelosi deliver the feel-neuralgia-speech-of-the-year in a voice best suited for the public reading of divorce papers. The content of her apres-garde speech was so conventional it bordered on subversive. In all her self-absorption, she came up just shy of her realizing how self-absorbed she is. (To be fair, I'm full of myself too but, you know, justifiably so.) And yet, again: she's well ahead of me in the line of succession for the presidency. The fact is, I'm willing to admit she may be superior to me as a comedy writer, maybe she could even dust me off on a basketball court, but no one in their right mind wouldn't rate me the better politician.
If any Huffpo-ers in Denver get a moment to bring this up with Barack or Michelle today, I'd really appreciate it.
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Nancy has, indeed, proven herself worthy of her approval ratings.
Imagine that you wake up and the news is that George Bush and Dick Cheney are gone and Nancy Pelosi is the first woman President. . Great. Now we can cleanse the Dept of Justice and start the reversal of all the bad things that the Republican Congress and Senate had permitted. Now we can breathe easier. We know the Iraq situation will be in better hands, The world will breathe easier knowing that America is in good hands again. And in January another Democrat will be in the White House,
I am sure you'll make a great VP to our next VP Biden.
Didn't she take succession off the table?
But...but...Peter, you did have a past life. Thats why you have a sense of humor.
Peter, Just on a hunch I called Nancy and asked her if she wouldn't mind stepping aside and let you take the helm?
She asked...could she keep the table?
I asked her if she was going to use it...she said no.
So naturally I asked her why she wanted it?
She said she has an "Off The" room and wanted to put it near her Off The Wall.
I said, Nancy this isn't an off the wall question.
She said Peter Who?
Peter--
Nothing you did wrong in a previous life has placed you behind Nancy Pelosi in the order of succession. The blame for that goes exclusively to the sexist media, who are generically responsible for some people being unfairly placed ahead of others for their shot at the Presidency.
If this really angers you, the most common way to respond is to threaten to vote for the oldest possible living Republican, especially if you've never before supported a Republican for anything and if the G.O.P. has never particularly looked after any of your best interests. That will teach the sexist media a lesson!
Be advised, however, that the things you did wrong in a previous life can severely affect your ability to find available legal parking spots when you need them most.
Peter, don't go there. Become Prez on your own terms. Do not count on tearing Nancy down to become one. I just saw something incredible on PBS with Tavis Smiley. A 17-yearold, home schooled boy who is an Obama delegate. This boy is dynamite. He made me feel like, we need to lower the age for people to run for public office. This boy will be ready for POTUS by the time he is 24.
You didn't tell the best part. She doesn't know that natural gas is a fossil fuel. Thinks it's some alternative energy source. And she's in charge up there..........
Nancy Pelosi would be President before my cat? WTF?? I know she's not technically human (my cat, that is), and I would need to sponsor a repeal of the 35 year minimum age requirement, but I'm damn sure Fuzzler would show more character and backbone as President than Pelosi would.
maybe they could amend the age requirement to include cat years...
Sorry Westwind.
Just the other day Nancy Pelosi told us that she was a "lioness" and some other blather about not messing with her cubs.
So with all due respect to Fuzzler, Pelosi is claiming the supreme feline title for herself.
You can watch it here with a very serious warning that it may induce vomiting, or cause you to indiscriminately hurl objects at your monitor.
She tells us how to think of her as a lioness just before she "explains" why impeachment is bad
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/3380787/9459989
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