OSLO -- After President Obama was awarded the Peace Prize, I received an invitation from Chairman Jagland of the Nobel Prize Committee to live-blog their proceedings.
Chairman Jagland enters the room.
Secretary Lundestad asks me, "As an American, do you think it's premature to award Obama the prize?" I answer I hope he will do much for peace.
Jagland interrupts, "We're talking about the Prize in Literature."
Awkward silence breaks when Lundestad bursts out, "The audacity of hope!"
I say it was a good sophomore effort. Lundestad clarifies, "No, the 'audacity of hope' is our new criterion for giving out Nobel Prizes."
Jagland puts his hand on my shoulder, "Listen, apart from his two books, Obama is also thinking about a brilliant novel."
Lundestad states that Obama did not write the novel, but the Committee has deemed his thoughts about it to be "exceptionally literary." The novel in question was The Master and Margarita.
Lundestad says that he probably isn't the only one who could use a margarita right now.
General revelry erupts amid a succession of toasts as Obama is awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature.
I comment, with no uncertain sarcasm, that you might as well give him the Prize in Medicine.
Deliberations begin to rescind the 2009 Nobel Prize in Medicine from its recipients.
President Obama is awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine. Committee Member Ytterhorn says, "The man embodies the perfect balance of buff and fit."
I ask, "What does that have to do with medicine?"
Ytterhorn punches me in the face. He asks, "Do you need a doctor for the pain or does that have nothing to do with medicine either?"
Jagland mocks me, "'What does that have to do with medicine?' Imbecile." Everyone laughs.
Lundestad apologizes for his colleagues. "Please accept this token of our hospitality." I say, "What token?" He tells me to check my Facebook.
I login. I have a gift notification awaiting me from Lundestad. It is a "Peace Prize."
The nominee packets arrive for the Nobel Prize in Chemistry, inside is nothing but a periodic table comprised only of the following letters: B, A, R, C, K, O, and M. There is also a plastic bag of confetti.
At the brink of tantrum, Jagland insists I help him locate and circle the row in which the "elements" in the periodic table spell out "Barack Obama."
Jagland smiles and whispers to himself, "Yes, I can." He sprinkles himself with the confetti.
The Committee has agreed the Nobel Prize in Physics should go to a scientist dedicated to a unified field theory.
With a massive grin on his face, Jagland declares, "I have a unified field theory... for the Nobel Prizes!"
Jagland proposes to combine all the prizes into a single category hereby called:
THE NOBEL PRIZE IN HAVING THAT BARACK OBAMA FEELING
The Committee agrees to adjourn for a breakfast break, putting on Obama halloween masks. They depart.