It Is About Time Educators Are Treated Like Business People (SATIRE)

02/10/2011 07:08 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I have come to the conclusion that as a teacher I do not live in the real world. My reality is no longer real.

What has brought this on? The arguments being made of late that in the private sector, or real world if you will, that personnel decisions, such as pay and seniority are based on merit. I now espouse the teachings of many of those looking to reform education and the hiring, retention, and firing of teachers.

As a teacher I have had it too good for too long and wish to be judged, in case of layoffs, and of course pay, based on merit. This is the way it is done in the business world. Meritocracy and not the amount of years I have put in as a teacher should count!

I am no longer going to fight the fight. From this moment on I only want to be treated as if I were employed in a true blue American business. As such an employee I can expect:

To take a two-hour lunch and with the requisite martinis.

To take the afternoon off to play golf with a client.

To take credit for an idea that another colleague actually did.

To make personal calls during the work day.

To banter around the water cooler for minutes on end discussing the latest episode of "The Office."

To send chain emails through my office email account.

To use my office computer to shop on Cyber Monday.

To lock myself in my office and avoid people when I am not feeling well or in a bad mood.

To get in to work at 9 a.m., order breakfast, pay for breakfast, eat breakfast, and read the paper and finally start doing some real work around 10:15 AM.

To manipulate financial markets for my own personal gain and escape any criminal prosecution.

To decide for myself that there is too much snow and to stay home.

To work from home when needed.

To take a client to an afternoon ballgame.

To have an expense account.

To fly first class on a 45 minute business trip to Buffalo.

To cut out early on Fridays.

To stop and chat with fellow co-workers as I saunter past their cubicles.

To not worry about being fired because I know that as long as I provide my boss Giants tickets I am safe.

To have my boss come to my office and we can talk about the Super Bowl for a few hours.

To start a Super Bowl box at work.

To buy those football betting tickets during football season from the kid in the mail room.

To play Minesweeper, Solitaire, Tetris and other computer games during work time.

To keep up with my fantasy teams.

To watch You Tube videos.

To book personal travel.

To play pranks on other co-workers.

To go on Facebook and update my status.

To search for tickets for Rush at Madison Square Garden for April 10.

To make long distance phone calls.

To go on Facebook and play Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Yo Ville.

To Google a girl I dated once in 1983.

To contribute to the official Star Trek message board.

To be a mod on said message board.

To have a 20-minute cigarette break.

To get a personal loan from my boss.

To do my nails, or doze at my desk.

Yes, I want to be treated as if I worked in a business. It is about time.