Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey hit bookstores, women have been asking me questions about sexual contracts. Are they real? How do they work? After all, when you think about it, E. L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey is a 500+ page contract negotiation.
In the book, "The Contract" is a proposal by a wealthy, gorgeous millionaire, Christian Grey, who is offering financial support, an unlimited clothing budget and ultimate sexual pleasure to Ana, a new journalism graduate, self-proclaimed klutz and sexually naïve woman.
In exchange, Christian is asking Ana to be his submissive for two days out of every week. Submissiveness in this context means Ana would cater to Christian's every whim without question. If she doesn't obey, he would have the right to 'punish' her with any method he chooses. This sounds despicable to Ana until she learns that the punishment cannot include "emotional, physical or spiritual harm," and there are mutually agreed-upon "safe words" that can slow down or stop any activity at any time. She will be able to negotiate a whole list of sexual activities or punishments, deciding beforehand which acts she would consider trying and those she would never do.
As you read the novel, you cannot help but wonder what your own answers might be. Would I have oral sex or do anal fisting? To some, the answers are an easy -- "absolutely" or "no way!" Other choices may not be so clear. Just like the sexually naïve Ana, we are intrigued to discover our own answers.
Some might think this contract is about sex, to others it is about power, to still others it is about free clothes, and for a few folks it smacks of misogyny.*
Ana, however, realizes early on that no legal body would uphold this contract in court. Without legal meaning, the contract becomes only a titillating discussion between a man and woman about what they will do or not do in their mutually consenting relationship.
This type of contract can create a safe and fun playground for couples to negotiate great sex. It does not need to contain the bondage and discipline (BDSM) of the Grey contract. Instead, sexual contracts can be whatever you want them to be, opening up a whole world of sexual exploration and discussion between lovers in the process.
What can a sexual contract do for our sex life?
1. It can make us aware and titillated.
Going through the process of sexual negotiation encourages us to think about what we would consider doing sexually, opening up possibilities for sexual exploration. We discover new areas that turn us on and can make us aware of our 'sexual triggers.'
2. It opens up sexual communication.
Sex can be a difficult thing to talk about, often complicated with feelings of shame or guilt. A contract can give a couple a place to start, walking them through the process in a safe and structured way. Couples who have done it say it is more exciting than anxiety-provoking because they feel like they are exploring it 'together.'
3. It makes us aware of our limits -- what we won't do.
When we know our partner knows and respects our limits, we feel safe about relaxing into the things we look forward to doing.
4. It makes us curious to explore what we might do.
When we are able to say "that sort of interests me, but I'm concerned about this aspect...", it introduces a safe way to engage in activities that we wouldn't have normally thought of doing.
5. It establishes ways to deal with awkward sexual situations.
As a couple becomes familiar with the sexual negotiation process, it becomes increasingly easier to discuss all sexual topics, including those sexually awkward moments.
6. It creates greater intimacy with our partner.
If we know what our partner is excited about or hesitant about doing sexually, we can help them to realize their desires.
* I encourage all those worried about gender inequality to read a similar contract from Sacher-Masoch's novel, Venus in Furs (the root of the word masochism). This tale from 1870 highlights how power contracts are not gender-specific. A wealthy baroness negotiates a similar contract with a potentially submissive man, or slave. This contract gives her even more control than Christian Grey dreams of asking of Ana, even adding a suicide note pre-signed by her slave, so she can control his life entirely, even killing him without legal consequence.
Get Your Own Contract Download and fill it in with your partner.
Tips to negotiating a sexual contract with a lover
ALSO ON THE HUFFINGTON POST:
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Ben Stevens: Christian Fear Through the Years
Lisa Firestone: What Does the Popularity of 50 Shades of Grey Say About Our Sexuality?
For the love of god don't ever get married.
People actually read this garbage? I'll stick with Haruki Murakami, thanks. As for sex contracts (the reason I clicked on this), I agree the idea can be fun (as long as they are not legally binding, and are fully negotiable).
They are called marriages.
Women tend to view marriages as security contracts.
Men are rather free with sex. Women tend to reserve sex.
They both enjoy it, but the drives and needs are different. We are pretty much two different species when it comes to it.
Neither men nor women may like that reality, but for a large portion of humanity, it's all too true.
And it helps drive dissatisfaction in both sexes and the divorce rate.
And wishing or saying it isn't doesn't change that reality.
So, are you trying to assert that there is NOT great dissatisfaction between men and women over sex in marriages? Then why are one-third of marriages sexless? Why are so many married men constantly complaining about the lack of sex. Why are men and women cheating in marriages as never before?
Not all marriages are dysfunctional sexually. However, I am willing to say the majority are not sexually healthy. Over the long run, monogamy and marriage does not work well for either sex. Men just endure, we just suck it up. When the women have had enough, they file for divorce (women file 70% of the time).
Something IS obviously wrong! You can bury your head in the sand and deny it all you wish. I does not change reality.
So, now you have some facts.
facts" because no one dares wade into that shark pool. Women,
seem to have no issues with stereotyping men and making generalized comments as
to male behavior, but turn it around and some women take umbrage.
One of the reasons stereotypes tend to be true is because, quite frankly, they
are more often than not. As it is, I was paraphrasing language that a
feminist wrote about 30 years ago. Wish I could remember the name, but memory
fades.
If by your use of "fair" you mean "politically correct", no
I am not. I'm not a politician nor one who has to create half truths to
appease any constituents.
If you think it unfair, well, that is your opinion.
This is not to say there are exceptions. However, throughout history, women have been
more concerned with marriage unless it is a matter concerning the transference
of wealth, power, or real estate.
Literature by both men and women reflect that.
Men and women are inherently equal as are all people. Yet, that doesn't mean we all have the same
goals and needs. However, that doesn't
mean those needs are unequal or that one set is more important than the other,
only that they're different.
So, in that respect
I'm entirely fair. We may have different
agendas, men and women, but no one's agenda is better or worse than the other's.
A subtle difference, to be sure, but
Since most Americans cannot deal with reality or the truth (hence Prozac nation), I am sure there is going to be many negative replies.
Great job. Live the truth! Tell it like it really is.Let the chips fall where they may.
If you ever want to have sex after marriage... yes!
E