Donald Trump and Glenn Beck are socialists.
So are the Kardashians. All of them. And probably Anthony Weiner.
In fact, they may be "entrenched" everywhere, as Sen. Joseph McCarthy once said about communists, "no longer [just] a creeping threat...but a racing doom."
Don't take it from me. These revelations come from a phone conversation between a friend of mine and a woman named Tiffany from the arch-conservative Presidential Coalition. Which is an arm of Citizens United, a powerful non-profit organization that recently talked the Supreme Court into dropping a ban on political advertising by corporations and unions.
Tiffany was also introduced on the call as an assistant to Dick Morris, former Clinton campaign manager, turned hooker/tabloid victim, turned Republican avenging angel and media personality.
So these people all know a thing or two about power and what's hidden in its boggy depths.
My friend, who asked not to be identified for fear of being identified, recorded this phone chat (you can listen to it below). He had donated money to the 2008 John McCain presidential primary campaign and regularly gets pitches for Republican causes. But this one got to the root of all the "socialism" rhetoric pinballing around the political circuits.
The call began with a recorded message from Morris. President Obama has "rammed down our throat" a 14 trillion dollar deficit, the Morris avatar said. "As one of the top conservative supporters in your area, you have been selected to take part in a survey. So much is at stake in the coming months. Please hold the line and I'll send you back to my assistant who will fill you in on the details."
That's when Tiffany came on. "The Presidential Coalition exists to educate the American public on the value of having principled, conservative Republican leadership at all levels of government, especially the White House," she said, mirroring the language from the Coalition's website.
Then she asks the survey question: "...which conservative leader, past or present, most shares your vision for America and can make our country great again?"
"None of them," my friend said. He's not really a top conservative in his area. "I think they're all horrible."
Unflapped, Tiffany consoled him. "Well, it's still early, sir." (Does that mean we're waiting for Sarah Palin?) "We just absolutely cannot afford to wait any longer to stop Obama's dangerous socialist agenda!" Tiffany said. Boom. It's out in the open.
"Can you tell me what the socialist agenda is?" my friend asked. Tiffany doggedly followed the script. "We're going on the offensive now with a full media onslaught."
"I understand that. And you said you wanted to "Stop Obama's socialist agenda." Did I miss that or did you say that?"
"Did you say that or did I mishear you?"
"No I did say that."
"Ok. What is the Obama socialist agenda you're talking about?"
"He only cares about himself, sir."
There we are. Socialism is self-love. A socialist is narcissistic, self-serving, egotistical and, as my thesaurus says, "blinded by one's own glory."
Wow. There really are a lot of socialists out there.
Dick Morris may actually not be one because he refused to talk to me for this post. Likewise Citizens United press spokesperson Jeff Marschner, who was out to lunch when I called but never returned several messages I left on his voicemail. And Citizens United, which wants to restore the U.S. government to "citizens' control" and "assert American values," does not mention selfishness as one of those values. Besides, you can't be united with anyone else when you're only thinking about yourself.
Maybe this was just a case of a political boiler room speed dialer getting lost in her boilerplate script. Personally, I think Mr. Beck and Mr. Trump are simply great showboating conservatives and ideological bomb-throwers, not communards. We can't have enough of those to help us get off our lazy, socialist duffs and out of complacency.
Or, the Presidential Coalition call could actually tell us a lot about threats to our way of life.
But I'm still not so worried. If socialists are the vain people Tiffany suggests, they'll just as likely trip over their own imposing shadows as they will get elected President of the United States.
Ronald Reagan won that Morris/Presidential Coalition survey, by the way, getting three times the votes of his closest competitor, Mike Huckabee.
The extravagantly self-referential socialist, Donald Trump, came in a disappointing fifth with seven percent.
To listen to the audio and read the transcript, click here.