04/21/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What Sarah Palin Wants

"Tell me what you want, what you really really want..."
Spice Girls

What does Sarah Palin want? Does she want to be president of these United States? No. In fact, Sarah Palin found the job of governor of Alaska so tedious that she bagged it for the greener pastures of writing a memoir, giving fabulously lucrative speeches and being a Fox News pundit.
Palin knows deep down, or, you know, as deep down as she gets, that she is spectacularly unqualified to be president, and that the "liberal press" would rip her new orifi on a daily basis.

Remember, Sarah Palin found the local press in Alaska to be unbearably critical; after a week in the White House, relentless criticism from the likes of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann would have Palin on the floor of the Oval Office, in the fetal position, sucking her thumb and wetting herself. For the love of God, this is a woman who is currently feuding with a cartoon (Family Guy) over their portrayal of her and her family. Sarah Palin is now calling for White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanual to step down for calling fellow Democrats "retards," and she called for David Letterman's firing for making a crack about Alex Rodriquez knocking up her teenaged daughter. Aside from her savage beauty, Sarah Palin's most notable feature is her freakishly thin skin. This woman has a persecution complex you could drive a truck through.

And lets face it, Sarah Palin is a gossip columnist's dream. At first blush she came across as a Christian "family values" no-nonsense conservative. Then, the press started poking around and found delightful amounts of nonsense in Sarah's closets. What ensued was the veritable Jerry Springer episode that is the Palin family; Bristol, the 17 year old pregnant daughter, Levi, the dimwitted yet hunky father of the Love Spawn, Trig, the baby with Down's Syndrome, and Sarah's husband, a man who has displayed less personality than a bowl of moose stew. And it got better, Levi posed for Playgirl magazine, his mom got arrested for selling prescription meds, while Sarah and Bristol and Levi tossed verbal grenades through the press at every turn. Forget running for president, this smells like a damn compelling reality show on Bravo! The Kardashians look like Ozzie and Harriet compared to the Palins. It's perfect, a horribly dysfunctional, morally bankrupt, greedy, fame-obsessed, Christian conservative family, with guns! Sign me up!

It's the perfect lead in to John Edwards/Rielle Hunter and Baby Makes Three.
America loves a good hypocrite.

So the game now for Palin is to act coy, but at least open to the idea of running for president in 2012. "Oh gosh, really, you folks want me to run for president?" Then, to keep her fans interested in her, she will need to run for president in 2012. And so she will, and she'll lock up the Right Wing, Birther, Teabagger, crackpot vote, with her folksy charm and her boilerplate "lower taxes, less government, blah, blah, Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Baba Booey..." spiel, and she'll finish a distant second or possibly third to the Mitt Romneys and Mike Huckabees of the world.

And after running for president, and fighting the good fight, Palin can go back to doing what she really wants to do; appearing on TV, looking fabulous and speaking to groups of people who adore her and pay her $100,000 a pop. Good work, if you can get it. It's the perfect plan, as long as she doesn't win.