Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Philip David Morton Headshot

It's Not My Default!

Posted: Updated:

Who says manufacturing is dead in America? We manufacture debt limit crisis right here at home every few months. Good to know not everything is outsourced and made overseas.

Some would think you'd have to got a third world country to find such amateurish governing these past few weeks. I think third world countries are feeling a lot better about themselves thanks to us.

Quick history lesson. The Republicans lost on health care. History lesson over. Currently the GOP-led House of Representatives has failed to agree on a clean spending bill without a resolution to defund the Affordable Care Act (nicknamed 'Obamacare'). The Senate Democrats did something unimaginable to Republicans: They decided to uphold the law and reject that resolution. This shut down our government.

The Republicans say the Affordable Care Act isn't fiscally responsible. They make a good point. Last month we had plenty of money to go to war with Syria, but this month we can't pay our bills. What's weird about that?

We're told endlessly that both sides need to come together. Both sides need to compromise. This is called equivalency. Equivalency means both sides are to blame in any given argument and must share the blame.

I applaud the equivalency arguments. In fact, there are many situations where until now we didn't realize both sides were to blame. For example, when your house is burning down and the fire fighters are standing outside about to save you, they may insist you give up your medical insurance before they put out the blaze. If you disagree then you're not negotiating. You've brought this destructive process down upon yourself. This is perfectly reasonable. In fact fire fighters should really be called fire negotiators. They're just problem solving two things at once. Upside: cities will have fires burning everywhere out of control and need to hire more fire negotiators. That's called a jobs program.

Kidnappers have this same equivalency problem. How often are kidnappers just pointing out a problem that's already there? Kidnap victims are not at home and stuck at gunpoint with the kidnappers forced to cover all the costs? Who wouldn't see both sides are to blame here?

This crisis is similar to when the Democrats didn't have the votes to stop Medicare D in 2003 and it became law under Bush and they upheld it. Oh.

Last week Speaker John Boehner tearfully argued he just wanted 'fairness' for the American people. So on the eve of the shutdown the GOP passed a new resolution (House Resolution 368) that changed standing rule 22 of the House of Representatives so that no longer could any congressman bring a new bill to the floor, just the majority leader Eric Cantor. Read that sentence again. Until now any Representative has been able to bring a new law to the floor to end a stalemate. But the GOP changed the law a few hours before a shutdown. What's not fair about that? That's very equivalent. That's a new advanced level of rule making called 'tantrum negotiation'. You may have heard of this in legislative circles as the 'I hate Johnny he can't play ' procedure. And if that can't be invoked successfully, one must look up nap time requirements for fair play.

I'm surprised the Republicans are not owning the shutdown, or taking credit for it. Perhaps that's because it's not tracking well in the polls. Remember; both parties of our government are responsible because that sounds good to the party that started it.

The Republicans have a great opportunity here to join the Olympic dodgeball team. Professional dodging this good should win America something.

So with one global embarrassment down and one to go it's the Republicans with the ball stuck without a plan as we head to international default. Defaulting on our international debts would trigger a rolling default in governments around the world and proof positive that the dollar isn't trustworthy, which is considered collateral for just about every international loan.

But remember equivalency! If all these other governments would just drop their health care, and set a good example, maybe we wouldn't have to default.

I think we can feel good about the members of the House of Representatives who are cashing their paychecks while furloughing 800,000 government workers. You want people savvy like that to be in charge.

Funny thing is when they go to cash their paychecks after destabilizing the global economy the dollar might collapse and their precious paychecks may be worth only a few cents.

But remember it's not their fault. It's really because you didn't want to negotiate.