11/29/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Joe Six-Pack Comes Clean!

Just as we were getting over the shock of finding out that Joe Plumber isn't a licensed plumber, doesn't own a company, and doesn't pay his taxes anyway, we received word of an even more stunning discovery: Joe Six-Pack has admitted he doesn't like beer!

"I've tried and tried to develop a taste for it," he said, brushing back a tear. "I wanted to be like the other guys, have a cold one by my chair when we watch the Cowboys; have a bottle sitting by my chips when we play poker, ice my forehead with a can at the Fourth of July barbecue--it always looks so cool. But I just can't stand the stuff. Tastes like hay, makes me bloat up like a dead seal, and makes me fart worse than my Uncle Barney's Great Dane.

"For a long time I couldn't admit it, even to myself. And after I finally had to face up to it, I still hid my true nature from the rest of the world. When the guys made fun of me for drinking so slow, I'd pretend to go to the kitchen for a snack, but it was really to pour out the rest of my beer. The guys would joke about how I couldn't even go to the head without taking my beer along, but it was just to flush it. And all the time I'd be thinking about getting home to that Pinot Noir I had stashed in the basement under my work bench.

"The truth is, I would have traded the best beer ever brewed for a mediocre Merlot. God, the tortures I went through at parties, when some woman would be drinking a Sauvignon Blanc that made my tongue hang out, while I was nursing a Coors and trying not to gag.

"Finally I just couldn't stand being untrue to myself and false to the world. I was tired of living a lie. I wanted to come out of the Chardonnay closet and let the world know the real Joe Six-Pack. I'm sorry if some folks feel I've let down the side, but I just had to be me."

At that he pulled me aside and whispered in my ear. "Please don't tell the guys, but I'm voting for Obama. I don't like his policies, but the guy's a born executive, and McCain couldn't manage a lemonade stand."

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