How to Sit Still When Tragedy Strikes

When I first heard the news of the deadly shootings in Arizona, I wanted to do something, anything: talk to friends and family, rant about the toxic political climate in our country, watch TV, surf the Web for updates, cry, post things on Facebook.

But most of all, I wanted to make sense of what had happened.

And none of those things helped me do that.

In an age when information is accessible everywhere, anytime, there was no real information that could explain to me why a nine-year-old child who had just been elected to her school council was gunned down trying to meet her congressperson. Why Representative Giffords was shot in the head at close range. Why five other people standing patiently in a supermarket parking lot were murdered in the Arizona sunshine. Why so many more were injured. Why millions were in shock.

I was in my own fog of grief, having lost a beloved friend over the holidays, a doctor who died suddenly after suffering a tragic accident. Scores of patients attended her funeral. We were used to relying on her to heal us; now we sat stunned, bereft and confused.

Last year, I attended a retreat with Pema Chodron, a brilliant Buddhist teacher. Pema is someone I always imagined as a brave, fearless warrior. The titles of her books terrified me: "When Things Fall Apart," "The Places that Scare You."

I hoped she would teach me some lessons about coping when things fall apart, when events and circumstances scared me. "Strength doesn't come from running away from fear, armoring ourselves or putting on a mask," she told the hundreds of people who came to learn from her. "We can't try to run away from feelings or avoid them. Strength comes from allowing ourselves to not grow a thick skin, to be willing to take a chance and not have anything to lose."

Pema quoted her revered teacher, Chogyum Trungpa, who said, "A rainbow is made of sunshine and tears mixed together." He told a bride and groom, "Pleasure is not a reward, and pain is not a punishment. They are just ordinary occurrences."

Since hearing those words, I've tried to look at life events as occurrences. To take the sting of emotions out of the equation as often as I can. To sit still and let feelings wash over me -- good, bad and indifferent. When I take that time to be still, I find that my heart, body and mind are refreshed by that stillness. I can take action that will be of some comfort to me. And then sit still again.

"No feeling is ever final," Pema also taught us. "Everything can fall apart. We all feel that what's happening now will last forever. But feeling your worst is the end of one thing and the beginning of something else."

When I traveled to Oklahoma City a couple of years ago, I was privileged to be given a tour of the Oklahoma City National Memorial and Museum. A stark, still plaza in the middle of the city is now filled with haunting, empty chairs. As I walked among them, the silence was comforting. No words were necessary.

Many words were spoken in the aftermath of that tragedy. Many words will be spoken in the aftermath of the killings in Arizona. Action will be taken. Ideas and emotions will be processed.

But for now I will sit still, meditate and let time pass.

I will remember walking through that plaza in Oklahoma City and taking comfort in the words of one of my favorite writers, Thomas Wolfe, who wrote in "You Can't Go Home Again":

Pain and death will always be the same. But under the pavements trembling like a pulse, under the buildings trembling like a cry ... there will be something growing like a flower, something bursting from the earth again, forever deathless, faithful, coming into life again like April.

***

Priscilla Warner is the co-author of "The Faith Club." Her new book, about her journey from panic to peace, will be published by The Free Press in September 2011. Follow her progress on her blog. And meet her mother at www.rivaleviten.com

 

 

 

Follow Priscilla Warner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/PrisWarner

Comments

[Priscilla Warner]

12:07 PM on 01/11/2011

Thanks to everyone for your comments, kind words, and for passing this post along to others. It's been fascinating to sit back and listen as people all over the world react to this tragedy. One of the things that's changed the most for me since I started a meditation practice is that I don't react as quickly as I used to and most often I feel like that's a good thing. Luckily I am not an elected official, a law enforcement officer, or media pundit...(:

[Wes Isley]

09:49 AM on 01/11/2011

I think everyone has their own way of coping with tragedy, but I do think sitting in silence and stillness, at least for a while, can go a long way toward a wiser reaction and approach overall. Thank you.

[khanti]

09:24 AM on 01/11/2011

There is karma then there is karma.

[ZanScott49]

03:24 AM on 01/11/2011

Thank you for this. On Saturday I just cried off and on and was checking out HuffPo for updates. I was sad and then really angry and just wanted to tell certain people that their words caused this horrible incident. I will never stop believing that words are incredibly powerful but I did hold back from responding to many comments on the site because I realized that it would come from a place of complete pain and sadness. So here I am, still sad and still pained but knowing that I need to just let it be until I'm ready to let those emotions go. With this post you've helped me to be more comfortable with that.

[ChristinaGombar]

02:55 PM on 01/10/2011

I was at a yoga retreat studying Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when I got the news. My 80 year old aunt who lost her husband a month ago lives in Tucson, my 76 year old Uncle in Phoenix. I shot off a condolence text, saying that it must feel like the whole state of Arizona is suffering from post traumatic stress. She agreed, and said she was particularly hurt that the liberal media jumped on the idea that Republicans were responsible for the actions of a seriously deranged man. My first reaction to the news was that it was the goading of the "liberal" press that set off the man's horrible actions. After all, 9/11 goaded us into war.

I felt this strongly because at this retreat in liberal Massachusetts, I heard many casual snobbish and cruel comments -- before the news hit -- about the stupidity of the Republicans -- ALL Republicans, George Bush, Southern Baptists -- from people in positions of authority, supposedly representing a yogic sensibility of peace. They seemed to assume everyone felt exactly as they did. How strange. To me "Liberal" and "diversity" mean a respect for all beliefs. There are many so-called "liberal" commentators on TV who I can no longer look at because of their smug attitude towards the opposite party, their voiced assumption that people who don't agree with them, who are less intelligent and privileged than they don't deserve their beliefs.

Silence is golden.

[Seer Clearly]

01:52 PM on 01/10/2011

Priscilla, thank you for the enlightenment. Emotion and feelings always "feel" infinite - as though there is no way through to the other side. Yet, the only reason that is the case is that we don't let ourselves fully feel them, and instead focus our energy on reacting to the fear of the feelings. Those who are truly blessed with peace allow themselves to sit in the feelings until they pass. There may be a time for action, but it is not before you have sat and felt all there is to feel, for only then will your actions come from a clear appraisal of the circumstances, and not be something you will regret or cause more feelings you will hate to feel later.

[bloomingdedalus]

04:03 AM on 01/10/2011

How many children have died at the behest of U.S. built and launched missiles and bombs?

I guess we only care when it's American children dying. Horrible tragedy indeed... Iraqis watch this happen to their own on a daily basis because of Colin Powell lying to the U.N..