THE BLOG
02/11/2014 07:48 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Is Everybody Gay? (It's So In)

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How many times have you heard someone ask, "Is everybody choosing to be gay these days?"

Why, now that you mention it, my dear keen observer of universal truth, yes! And because of that, I now quit being gay!

That's right, y'all. The jig is up. I'm throwing in my rainbow flag, hanging up my assless leather chaps, burning my show tunes in effigy, and canceling my subscription to Lifetime! I'm deleting every DVR'd episode of RuPaul's Drag Race, America's Next Top Model, Glee, Revenge, and True Blood!

No more tight jeans, muscle tees, and flip-flops for me!

There's too damn many of y'all in the room, so I'm headed back to the closet to find another lifestyle to wear. This one is last year's rags. I've outgrown it. It no longer fits. Out-of-season, soon-to-be-overpriced Melrose vintage. I'm donating my gay to Goodwill. There's bound to be some underprivileged gay wannabe just dying to have it, who can't even sleep at night just thinking about it. You're welcome, Michael Sam!

That's right! I said it! I rescind everything gay I have ever done. I'm reneging on everything gay I have ever said. Turning over the board game of Homonopoly.

Yes, I want a gay annulment! I'm filing for a divorce from my gay!

Gay is as common as salt and pepper nowadays.

Gay is a McDonald's iced coffee flavor. You can find gay in your Lucky Charms. There's so much gay that they sell the overflow at the 99-Cent Gay store and Ross Gays for Less. Gay is the new red velvet: cupcakes, pancakes, cookies, ice creams and gay wine too! Gay is the new mayonnaise. Gay is the better peanut butter and jelly -- pack a gay in every child's lunchbox for school. Gay is recommended by the FDA -- it's both a fruit and a vegetable! Gay is the new paleo. Gay is a Flintstone vitamin. Gay is the new white rice. Gay is bottled water! Gay is a food truck craze. The Pinkberry of society. Gay is like Starbucks: one on every corner.

Gay is the new twerk!

There are so many gays in the neighborhood that the real estate is going up! I can't even afford my own rent for being gay! I have shot my gay self in my own damned gay foot and destroyed a perfectly good pair of Ferragamos.

Gay is like another Real Housewives franchise! Gay is like another Braxton's spin-off -- another CSI city!

Gay is now a Halloween costume. Gay is a national holiday. Gay is Christmas. Gay is the new LOL, LMAO, ROTFLMAO, OMG, TTYL, SMH and GTFOH! I can't even get anyone to look at me, because I look the same gay as everyone else. Gay is so generic. As American as apple pie. A pastime. The new hot dog. Gays are like Despicable Me minions, Smurfs, Gremlins, Angry Birds and Candy Crush candies. Gays are like Facebook game requests: No matter how many times you reject them, they just keep coming!

I have faithfully served my time in this gay regime, furthering this gay agenda, recruiting gays and converting the straights. I'm retiring my fag badge, stepping down from my sissy station, and leaving this one go-go-boy town behind.

We have reached critical gay mass -- gay saturation. Everywhere you go it's gay, gay, gaygay, gaygaygay!

There is clearly not enough status, privilege, protection, power, approval, support, and encouragement left in the heterosexual establishment, so going gay is obviously the thing to do. It's like winning the sweepstakes, the multimillion-dollar Powerball. Did I say balls?! Whatever. That doesn't even faze me anymore, because I'm so over gay!

Russia and Nigeria have adopted the gay rainbow as symbols of their national flags. All 50 states have legalized gay marriage and removed every antiquated sodomy law from their books. Kids are now committing suicide because they aren't allowed to not be gay. It's so uncool! Nooses in Uganda are being worn in gay solidarity -- gilded in gold like dope gold chains. Mothers and fathers are driving their co-workers mad with photos of their children's first pride parade! "Fag" means "cigarette" again, and mobs of happy men are attacking gays and transgender people with hugs and high fives. "Wassup!"

To gay bash is to throw a fierce party. "Yaaaaaaas, you did that, bitch!"

So, yes, everybody is going gay, and gay is now so 2013, canceled, on the clearance rack, 3G, Myspace, the flip phone of society, so thenumberyouhavereachedisnolongerinservice.com.

I quit!

Just as simply, naturally, and carelessly as I apparently chose, they chose, and we choose to be gay, I am putting in my two weeks' gay notice, and maybe then, only then, can I find something else as easy, popular, and trendy to be.