This Is How to Raise Well-Behaved Children

This Is How to Raise Well-Behaved Children
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How do you raise well-behaved children? originally appeared on Quora - the knowledge sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights.

Answer by Tim Dawes, trainer in communications, negotiations, and persuasion, on Quora:

Our twins, a boy and a girl, are in 8th grade. Between the two of them, they have won Student of the Quarter for Respect and Student of the Quarter for Compassion four times (the maximum number of awards allowed for each student).

Here's a pretty simple formula we used for raising them. It's deceptively simple, but it's very widely applicable: respect their needs, and set boundaries on their actions.

Here's an example: lots of kids interrupt their parents. We were just at a friend's house, and her daughter could come up and interrupt at any time. At first, the mother yelled at the child, and then gave up and just put up with it. Years ago, we told our kids, "You can't interrupt us when we're talking to friends." They responded, "But, sometimes we need to talk to you." So we created a system whereby when they need to interrupt us, they come over, stand quietly, and put a hand on our shoulder or knee. Our part is to finish our sentence, and acknowledge our kids right away. We handle the issue and go back to our conversation. They get their needs met--they get our attention. And we get our needs met--we don't have our conversation interrupted and we don't get nagged.

It takes both of us working together.

As another example, my wife feels very strongly that when someone comes to visit the family, our kids should greet them at the door and look them in the eye. Our daughter, in particular, is a bit shy with strangers. So, we said, "You don't have to stay afterward, and while you're there, I'll hold your hand. We can stand with our arms around each other. You can even stand behind me if that makes you feel better, as long as you look the visitors in the eye and welcome them."

It's that way with everything we ask them to do to show respect. Usually, if they don't want to do it, it's because they have some need that seems to conflict. So we draw out that need and figure out a strategy that's respectful and meets both our needs and theirs.

Like Julian Beams said, "Fight the good fight for five years and everything gets easier after that."

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