Do you hover? Is your child's each vibration a source of concern to you? Honestly, do you harbor the suspicion that, without your patient, constant guidance, your teenager, or toddler, or ten year old, will topple into the abyss and never recover? In other words, was the term "helicopter parent" invented for you?
There are some colorful descriptions of "helicopter parenting," the practice of supervising childrens' every movement. Colleges complain that when students matriculate, they are often lost -- they do not know how to budget their time, handle disappointment or cook their own meals. An entire generation is writing sophisticated computer code and being confounded by laundry.
A few times, while I was teaching at UCLA, fathers and mothers accompanied students to meetings, to my astonishment. Years ago it would have been unspeakably humiliating to arrive at a professor's office with one's mother. One student who was caught cheating sat there, sad and imploring, as his mother built a case for his essential goodness. (Understand when I say caught cheating, I mean that at the end of the exam he stood up and notes tumbled from his hand. It was not a judgment call.) She assured me that his "capture" (her word) would rob him of a stellar career as a doctor, sabotage his chances to go to medical school and likely ruin his life. (For those who like their stories complete, I gave him a makeup exam and he flunked that, too. If such students can make it to medical school, I would guard your pancreas.)
How do we escape helicopter parenting? Sometimes a new practice requires a new image. For parents I have a new metaphor to aspire to --helium parenting.
We should hold on to our children as a child holds a balloon. Let them rise, float on their own, but keep a grasp on the string so that they do not float away to unknown parts. The time will come when we need to release the balloon but, in the meantime, instead of hovering from above, we should be holding lightly from below. Think of it as parental string theory.
When I was growing up my parents, who did not have cellphones or pagers, let us roam freely around the neighborhood. It never occurred to them that they were being irresponsible. They were, without benefit of the term, helium parenting. They knew where we went, whose homes we visited, which streets we used for touch football. They had hold of the tail, but we floated free.
Now we are so closely knit one to the other through the straightjacket of electronics that there is no true escape. We beep, buzz, Facebook, Skype and skulk our way around each other's space, especially that of our kids. We aren't just helicopter parents; we are helicopter parents with radar.
So often we forget that we are not trying to create "good kids," but competent, kind adults. Self-reliance is the fruit of practice, nurtured by failure, encouraged by appropriate risk. Coddle a kid and you get a coddled kid. Let them soar and you get an adult.
What we are protecting our children from is our own pain, not theirs. Too many parents cannot bear their kids' disappointment. So we assume it is the fault of the teacher or the coach or the other kids. Our helicopter is equipped with fault finding weaponry. Yet the ability to blame oneself for failings is essential to growth. The balloon will sometimes go off course. That is to be expected. Hold lightly; the grasp is surer that way.
Helicopters are big, expensive, cumbersome and dangerous. Balloons are colorful, joyous and free. Be a helium parent. Pass it on.
I grew up in the 1950's.Most Moms didn't work. They were always around to supervise and nurture at the same time.The moms in the neighborhood all new each other.If my mother had to go run errands,I would just stay at the neighbors until she got back.
These times are very different.It is hard to allow as much independence for children these days.There are many more cars on the road and many more missing children.I agree with Travelmaven. My grandchildren are lucky enough to be growing up in a very safe neighborhood.It is unfortunate that most children grow up in areas where it is difficult to allow much freedom.
That is how I discerned the existence of a "groomer" interested in my daughter. If your daughter disappears suddenly; where will you look first? It's a good chance that it is someone she met on the internet.
Bad times are coming to this world and nation; whether from running out of oil, world war 3, who knows -- children must be prepared to be creative problem solvers only relying on the reliable when all other avenues no longer exist.
A big problem with Facebook and similar services is that they practically breed dishonesty -- it is foolish to give out true information about self, it serves no purpose if you give out nothing, what does that leave? Lies. A whole generation is learning to lie.
The idea with Boy Scouts is they must be permitted to explore the world; the purpose of leaders is to try to make it relatively safe to do so. A leader must never do for the Scout, what he can do for himself. They must experience failure, and develop strategies for coping with failure.
My father was very strict and not at all friendly; BUT one thing he did right for me in high school was when I damaged an old beater car. I expected to be punished, have the keys taken from me, that sort of parental thing. Instead, he looked at me and said, "What do you expect ME to do about it? You broke it, so fix it." That was all. No anger; just a command to fix what he believed was in my power to fix, and so it was -- I'm pretty handy with tools. I fixed it and have fixed things ever since.
"I gave him a makeup exam and he flunked that, too. If such students can make it to medical school, I would guard your pancreas."
Witty and makes an excellent point.