When I wrote a column last week calling Anthony Weiner yet another Broken American Male who needs to feel attractive to women in order to feel whole, one of the outlets that publishes my columns refused to publish without significant changes. "It sounds like you're making the assumption that he's lying about being hacked."
No duh.
There are good and bad liars, and to his credit Anthony Weiner is a terrible liar. One of the worst I have ever seen.
As he gave TV interviews about how he had been pranked, and then blamed the Republicans for his troubles, he looked away from the cameras, brought in complete non sequitors, made infantile jokes about being attacked by his toaster, and said that he won't go to law enforcement because he doesn't want to waste their resources. If there is any truth to the widespread theory that men who cheat actually want to get caught, then the stupidity of Anthony Weiner in sending tasteless pictures of his underwear to complete strangers constitutes high-proof indeed.
In his confessional press conference Weiner was asked what he was thinking. He responded he honestly did not know.
I do.
He was thinking that this felt darn good. That feeling wanted by women made him feel special. That having strangers want to check out his state of arousal made him feel desirable. That having women lust after him made him feel accomplished.
This isn't rocket science. Men like Anthony Weiner live in the permanent fear that they are not special. Their greatest fear is that they are ordinary. And they spend their lives trying to disprove that fear.
But he's a Congressman, you say. Yes, but he's not a Senator. And if he were a Senator, then he's still not President. And even if he were President, he is still not on Mount Rushmore. There is always someone more accomplished, more special, more beloved. It is a peculiar trait of the Broken American Male to always be combative, to forever be on the defensive. Because the BAM always feels that he is under threat. And when you nurse feelings of failure of that magnitude you need something -- anything -- to rescue you from the blues. Women are the quickest and most reliable way for broken men to feel good about themselves.
But they are also the most destructive.
Not because you're going to get caught as a married Congressman who breaks his vows. But because the online or offline affair is like any other drug that masks rather than remedies pain. You have solved nothing save to put a salve on your fragile ego. When the novelty of the affair wears off, or when the woman in question loses respect for you for behaving so immaturely and hurting your wife, you're going to feel even worse, further confirming that you really are a loser after all. And then the addiction will only increase. You'll need more women. A stronger hit. A more radical drug. And that's when you're going to start getting reckless and careless, sending out Tweets on Memorial Day Weekend from your Blackberry of your bulging underpants without even checking that you're sending it to the right party. You bring in your other 45 thousand followers into your extreme state of brokenness.
There is a better way.
You have a wife. Go and tell her how broken you are, how you take so little joy from your many achievements. How you have a cavernous black hole at your center that were all the gold and fame in the world to be dumped into it you would still not feel full.
And as your wife listens, she offers you comfort. She tells you that you don't -- you can't! -- spend your life proving yourself. You are not special because of the titles you possess or the property you own. You're special because you're loved. And you don't have to earn that love. It's a free gift given by a woman to a man. All you, the man, has to do is be open to receiving it. All you have to do is fight and dismiss the self-loathing that makes you feel unworthy of the love and causes you to bat it away.
It takes no activity on the part of a man to be loved by his wife. All it takes is being passive. Learn to live in comfort in your own skin. Be accepting of yourself and find your unique place in the world that is not in competition with others. Work on yourself to be happy for the success of colleagues. Their success is not your failure. Every person has share in this world and you will find yours, so long as you do not envy that of someone else.
So, did Anthony Weiner want to be found out? In a manner, yes, but it's more subtle then simply saying he subconsciously wished to expose himself. Rather, he wanted to get rid of the pain. He wanted to live free of the feelings of failure. He would do anything to be liberated from washout demons that forever haunt him. So he cried out -- even to a complete stranger -- to help him. He used the immense power of the erotic, not to draw closer to his wife but to soothe his macerated ego, not realizing that all of his followers - whom he has consistently sought to impress with Twitter proclamations of TV appearances, charm, and wit -- would witness what they have also witnessed: a man desperate to be loved.
Sometimes he pursued that love by telling his constituents how much he fights for them. Sometimes he pursued that love by making sure we all know that a former U.S. President officiated at his wedding. And sometimes he pursued that love in the most toxic way possible, by desperately seeking the affection of a woman -- any woman -- to make him feel desirable when all along a woman who was not a stranger desired him so profoundly that she agreed to be his partner and soul-mate for her entire life.
Shmuley Boteach, "America's Rabbi," is the author of "The Broken American Male and How to Heal Him" (HarperCollins). Follow him on Twitter @RabbiShmuley.
Follow Rabbi Shmuley Boteach on Twitter: www.twitter.com/RabbiShmuley
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What he needs is to satisfy his appetite in ways that are not going to embarrass or hurt his family: role play with his wife, or watch porn. Or...if this is not good enough, release his wife, and just be a party bachelor, or a serial monogamist.
I don't think men seek sex because they're damaged. Yes, it may be soothing, but there's a lot of effort involved to employ sex as a "soother". If all these men needed was self-soothing, they could eat or smoke. They are drawn to sex for because they crave it, the hunt, the power, the excitement, the adventure, and the danger. Again, we mortals can't always relate.
I didn't buy Anthony Weiner's sob story either. He is a bumb, like the others who proceeded him. I'm not sure one can cure lack of character, no matter how hard you try. That is inherent. You either conduct your life appropriately and make good decisions, or you don't. Even more so when you decide to represent the U.S. in government service.
These other men who violated their vows and their constituents, includiing Newt Gingrich, who says he has repented, will never gain back trust in most people. Maybe, the general public has lost what the true meaning of good conduct is, but, deep down, most know these types of men are lacking a very basic trait. Character. Mr. Weiner has no regard for the truth and all his blubbering made him look worse. This man purposfully set out to lie. He invited media into his office to tell this lie. I'm sorry, but, he is beyond dishonest and he thinks the crying and blubbering was contrite?
Is there any evidence at all that these women "wanted" or "lusted after" Weiner?
In my experience the motives of the latter often indicate deep issues concerning self worth and they are rarely faithful.
Like Weiner, Congressman Christopher Lee was undone in almost identical circumstances, both men posting suggestive photographs of their gym sculpted bodies. Coincidence?
I can only imagine the schoolyard torment a boy called Weiner suffered growing up and wonder if the man called Weiner spent his life trying to heal the scars of the boy?
I'm not excusing his behaviour as it definitely constitutes cheating of a sort, but ultimately it's the behaviour of a boy seeking acceptance and for that reason the whole affair is less sordid and more sad in my opinion.
We all carry scars and some seek healing through a bottle, others through drugs. Weiner sought solace through less conventional means.
And with all due respect Rabbi Boteach, to suggest his scars could have been healed solely by his wife is simplistic in the extreme.
I've heard Weiner speak and every time it was from the heart, he's one of the good guys. Sometimes good men make really bad choices.