Whatever your views on gay marriage -- whether you are a supporter who believes that gays should have the same rights as heterosexuals or whether you are more religiously inclined and object to gay marriage on biblical grounds -- one thing is for sure: This has absolutely nothing to do with rescuing the institution of marriage.
We straight people don't need help from gays in destroying marriage, having done an admirable job of it ourselves, thank you very much. And the reason that marriages continue to decline in the United States is that rather than discussing how we can shore up this most vital of all social institutions, we have instead chosen to focus on a convenient scapegoat: gays.
The facts are straightforward. Not even 10 percent of the American population is gay, but more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And this was happening years before gays came out in significant numbers, let alone demanded the right to marry. In fact, the only men who seem to still want to get married in America are gays. While they are petitioning the Supreme Court to tie the knot, the straight guys are breaking into a rash and running to the hills every time their live-in girlfriends of five years push for a ring on their finger.
The real cause of marital breakdown in our time is the redefinition of success to encompass only the professional and almost never the personal sphere. We Americans are an ambitious lot. We want to succeed in everything we do. What we fear most in this country is being a failure, a loser. But being a winner has come to mean having money, power and being famous.
In Hollywood, you can be on your fourth marriage and have all your kids in rehab. But so long as people are still paying 10 bucks to see your movies, you're a success. On Wall Street, you can be a 30-something trader who takes the American taxpayer to the cleaners and pursues a life of endless womanizing, all fueled by gargantuan, government facilitated bonuses. But as long as you still drive a Ferrari and live in that $25 million Hampton estate, you'll be invited to every cocktail party around.
Who then has a real incentive to be a good man? We are all encouraged today to have a career rather than a calling, a focus on our own ambition rather than a cultivation of gifts for the benefit of others. And success is defined not by quality of your relationships but by the quantity in your bank accounts.
Marital decay these days begins with the easy hook-up culture of teen-hood where young people are trained to see the opposite sex as a commodity to be exploited. It reaches dizzying heights with the positively rancid culture of male womanizing and female drunkenness that has become so common on the American university campus.
In essence young men and women learn how to master business and how to write a legal brief. But the only thing they learn about selfless love is that it is subordinate to selfish sexual pleasure and is an old-fashioned idea strangely out of place in a culture where you are always number one.
Is it really surprising, then, that the youth have delayed marriage well into their 30s and even then marry only when forced to "settle down." They see nothing exciting in the domestication of marriage or the energy it takes to raise children. And living in a disposable society, as soon as marriage hits a snag or two, it is so much easier to discard the institution than work to save the relationship.
Donald Trump summed it up best when he said of his current marriage that it's happy because, unlike his previous attempts, this one requires no work. The poor man works at the office, where the real success is found. Why would he want to work at home? And who says that any woman is worth the effort?
Now, are we really going to blame all this rot on gays? And if we stopped gay men and women from even having civil unions, would the astronomical American divorce rate suddenly drop?
My parents divorced when I was eight. I feel the pain of every divorced man and woman which Judaism, unlike Catholicism, allows because, though we always try to save a marriage, the institution is not a prison. I know that the men and women who divorce are good people, loving parents, and would have wished the marriage to have continued. But they are immersed in a culture where the lie of professional achievement as more important than personal success is beamed at them from every broadcast medium 24 hours a day.
But more than the parents, my heart goes out to children of divorce who are deeply affected by the turbulence of two parents who no longer love each other. And if we really cared about the American family, we would cease talking about gays and instead push a measure through Congress making marital counseling tax-deductible so that families who are hard-pressed can get the help they need to try to keep the family intact.
I run an organization devoted entirely toward the dissemination of values in the culture. You can assist us by signing up for our "Turn Friday Night Family Night" campaign (www.fridayisfamily.com) and by getting in touch to offer your support (www.thisworld.us). Together we can show our children that love is not fiction but something tangible and real.
The writer is the author of more than 20 books on relationships, the most recent being The Kosher Sutra, which has just been released by HarperOne in paperback. www.shmuley.com
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Sister Joan Chittister, OSB: Catholicism: A Changing Church -- Despite Itself
the good old domestic disputes take up most of her time. Rabbi,
we are a country that will sweat the small stuff but ignore important
issues of the day that affect our lives. When are we Americans going
to wise up?
There is a form of divorce in the Catholic Church, however. It's called annulment, and many Catholics do avail themselves of annulment in order to marry again in the church.
Did you know that number one reason for divorce is financial problems?
That's the real problem....
That's the real problem...."
They CAN'T. That's one of the reasons so many divorces occur. People want to have their cake and eat it too. "Forsaking all others" is part of the wedding vows for a reason. It's NOT optional.
But folks do make mistakes. That's why there is a way out.
It's called Annulment and it's not an easy thing. You and your partner go before a tribunal.
The question here is simple...is it a valid marriage? Were both parties involved mature enough to choose?
Were there other circumstances that prevented on or the other or both parties from entering into the agreement with a clear conscience knowing what was involved etc.
2000 Years of Church history, teaching and The Saints....
History is doomed to repeat itself. The same "equal rights" sloganeering we hear regarding gay marriage is the same technique feminists used in the 60s to legalize no-fault divorce. The result of that is a 50% divorce rate, and no, it didn't happen overnight. The ill effects of gay marriage wont happen overnight, either.
One of the most frequently heard arguments back when the cultural left argued for same-sex "marriage" was....
"What do two people getting divorced have to do with YOUR marriage??"
Back then the divorce rate was 8%.
And most of the states with the lowest divorce rates also has some of the oldest median ages in the country. VT, MA, NH, all have low divorce rates; they also have high median ages. And guess who opposes gay marriage the most? Older people. And guess who's been married the longest? Older people.
Since you want to play that game.
#1- Wow - social conservatives have been talking about divorce illigetamacy asnd related issues for 40 years. Hence the family values and pro-family movement. Its a mere red herring to pretend that the cultural left that supports gay "marriage' give a wit about divorce and such. Its johny come latley temporary rehtorical concession used to appear socially conservative so they can realize their "gains".
#2. - To cry scapegoating is nonsense, no one pretends that same-sex "marriage" somehow went back in time and caused family breakdown.
Rather this is the case...
"Marriage is neither a conservative nor a liberal issue; it is a universal human institution, guaranteeing children fathers, and pointing men and women toward a special kind of socially as well as personally fruitful sexual relationship. Gay marriage is the final step down a long road America has already traveled toward deinstitutionalizing, denuding and privatizing marriage. It would set in legal stone some of the most destructive ideas of the sexual revolution: There are no differences between men and women that matter, marriage has nothing to do with procreation, children do not really need mothers and fathers, the diverse family forms adults choose are all equally good for children. What happens in my heart is that I know the difference. Don't confuse my people, who have been the victims of deliberate family destruction, by giving them another definition of marriage."
Walter Fauntroy-
The Rabbi though is correct that marriage needs to saved from divorce. The "me" culture of the 60's that has invaded the American way of life needs to be addressed.
It should be perfectly clear by now, that with their higher rates of teenage pregnancy and divorce, those "red" states where bigotry reigns and the shouting of homophobia is loudest, are where the far religious right radicals are doing more to destroy marriage and the family than anyone.