Invisible Fathers at the Olympic Games

The most memorable scenes of the Beijing Olympics are not what Michael Phelps accomplished in the pool but what he did right after emerging with yet another Olympic gold medal after every swim. Here, a twenty-three-year-old athletic superstar took his flowers from the medal podium, climbed over benches and photographers, and handed them to his fawning mother.

The gesture was startling. When I served as rabbi at Oxford I noticed how uncomfortable students were whenever their parents visited. They had gone to University to assert their independence and were often embarrassed, or at the very least uncomfortable, when they had to introduce their visiting parents to their friends. Certainly, the last thing they did was go out and buy their Moms flowers and present it to them in the presence of their entire social circle.

If anything, we should have expected Michael Phelps to come out of the pool and give the flowers to some beautiful young girlfriend. But no, it was his Mom.

But then again, Debbie Phelps is no ordinary mother, but the single Mom who alone raised Michael and his two sisters, Whitney and Hillary, from the time Michael was nine.

As a child of divorce who was likewise raised by a single mother from about the same age, I can attest to the fact that the feat is never forgotten. Children retain a lifelong debt of passionate gratitude toward a mothers who sacrifices all on their behalf. They will move heaven and earth to show appreciation for a mother who made her children her entire universe.

Champions are not born, they are raised. And those who do the raising, especially when it is done in solitude, earn their moment in the sun.

Indeed, the number of superior male athletes at the Olympics who look to their mother, as opposed to their father, for inspiration is astonishing. Basketball superstar Lebron James was raised alone by his mother Gloria to whom he remains especially devoted. Jamaican uber-sprinter Usein Bolt ran straight to his mother Jennifer's arms right after breaking the world record in the 100 meter dash and becoming the fastest man alive. America's best male sprinter, Tyson Gay, is so close to his mother Daisy that he phones her every day and especially an hour before he races to help calm his nerves. The list goes on.

Indeed, few indicators of the falling stature of the American male are as potent as the receding influence of men in their son's lives as they are slowly replaced by mothers of unbreakable devotion. Whereas once this may have been true of areas where women carry special insight, such as in, say, vetting a girlfriend or giving advice about love and relationships, today it is true in the area one wehre we would least expect it, sports.

Which begs the question, aside from the moment of conception, are men even necessary? If a single mother can produce the greatest Olympic champion of all time, do we even need Dads?

An increasing number of women are saying no, we don't. They are choosing to have children on their own, or remain single and raise their kids by themselves long after they have divorced. Dads are becoming a luxury.

I thought of this scary development as I took a day trip with my children recently. What was it that I, as their father, gave them that their mother could not? Was I, as a man, superfluous? To be sure, there were the obvious things that I contribute. I help support the family. I take my kids to Synagogue, study Judaism with them, and teach them about our ancient tradition. I attempt to inspire them with talks about character and I remain the principal disciplinarian in the home. But surely these were all things that my wife, if G-d forbid forced to, could do on her own. Was there anything that required me and only me?

And then I remembered. Yes, there was one big thing. I alone could love their mother. That was not something she could do on her own. I could teach my children by means of living example the glories of devotion to a special woman who sacrifices so much on all of our behalf. I could show my children that love was not a fantasy concocted in Hollywood or invented in a novel. I alone could demonstrate to my children that their mother was precious and that love was real. Noone could do this but me. I was necessary after all, as was every other father and husband.

In other words, the greatest gift a man gives his children is to love their mother. By doing so, he imparts the lesson that there are things in life more glittering than gold and more precious than rubies.

In 'House of Morgan,' the monumental biography of John Pierpont Morgan, America's greatest banker, Ron Chernow details how Pierpont's son and successor, Jack, idolized his father in every way but one. He could not forgive him for his contemptible treatment of his mother, Fanny, and made a point of nurturing his mother in his father's presence as if to show his undisguised contempt.

The prophet Malachi foretold of a time when 'the hearts of the fathers will be returned through the hearts of the children.' While many men spend their lives ignoring their families to chase money, their children are teaching them that one can earn gold and dedicate it to the family. In an age where many men are falling out of love with their wives, perhaps the time has come for them to look to their own sons to remind them that they need look no further than their own homes to discover their most valuable treasure.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach hosts a daily national radio show on 'Oprah and Friends.' His most recent book is 'The Broken American Male and How to Fix Him.' www.shmuley.com

Comments

[RyansDad]

Well, my first comment seems to have been deleted. Let's try this again.

Anything a woman can do, a man can do. Except for breastfeeding, I can provide just as much for my son as his mother. I child needs 2 parents and it saddens me to see that this Rabbi values his parenting skills so little.

Why is it that today's society values fathers so little? I love my son. I would do anything for my son. I do not feel I should take a backseat to a woman just b/c she is a woman. I have every right to be a part of my son's life and do not feel that I can be replaced or even worse, eliminated. There are things that as a man, I bring to the upbringing of my son that his mother cannot.

This article is offensive. I'm sorry that the good Rabbi doesn't feel he has a real impact on his children but don't tell me that I don't matter to my son.

[EricWI]

Kudos to Ms. Phelps. She apparently did a fine job at child rearing in a difficult situation.

What a shame that Mr. Boteach values so little what he gives his children. I was raised by a fine father and fine mother and I would be a far poorer person if I did not have them both. It must be terribly sad for Mr. Boteach to think that his only unique contribution to the children is through the proxy of his wife.

Or perhaps he is just too humble, a laudable characteristic in any person, but totally out of place when making broad statements about the value of any member of a family. Mr. Boteach is wrong. All members of a family are irreplaceable. I hope that his disrespect for fathers has not done damage to the families he teaches as a Rabbi.

EricWI

[feministhousewife]

I'm growing a little weary of all the media attention recently to this "father issue." The issue is not whether fathers are irrelevant or necessary, the issue is that children need a strong FAMILY for a healthy upbringing.

Families come in many different types - it is loving and strong adults offering support and guidance to children that are important. Sometimes a single mother like Michael Phelps' mom is able to beat the odds and do it all on her own; sometimes a single dad is able to do the same - in both instances, I'm sure other family members such as grandparents and aunts and uncles play a role as well.

There are strong, healthy families comprised of a mom and a dad, two moms or two dads, just one mom or just one dad - the gender is not what is important, it is the love, the support, the examples set, etc, etc, that really make the difference.

Let's stop focusing on gender on start focusing on building strong families, regardless of their make-up, for the next generation.

[Jessegirl]

As a woman, I know that we need our father's "unconditional love" so that
we don't go out searching for it. It's a painful reality to discover that 'no man'
can love you like a father, and nor should you try to expect them too.
But you only find this out AFTER you have put upon all your "ideals" on one guy
and then broke away in pain when he understandibly couldn't carry that burden.

[AceWild]

I guessed you missed the American Gold medalist gymnast "Nastia Liukin" who was attached to the hip to her father the entire olympics, and would kiss him everytime she walked off the floor ...oh, happens to be her coach...

Who teached Tiger Woods to be the greatest golfer in the world ? his dad , Who taught Michael Jordan the game of Basketball ? his dad , and ended up retireing for 2 yrs. from basketball to play baseball because it was his father's favorite game ..

I think the title of this article is not true , and has not been the case from my observation of the olympics this year

[derik]

Someway or another, if kids at Oxford were embarrassed by their parents then they are merely a bunch of rich spoiled brats. Or, maybe they are just normal kids just growing up. As far as two parents or one parent or no parents, in the long haul kids end up being what their environment makes them. You are probably simplifying a complex process called life. As far as raising an Olympian, not everyone wants to be one leave alone the fact that not everyone can be one. We are after all quite a complex organism built by nature with no other magical supernatural stuff.

[Hmmm624]

This is beautiful post. I grew up with both parents, who did not love each other, so I completely understand this perspective. Interesting angle, and so very true.

[S1m0n]

That's a really weird conclusion to have drawn from a story about one person & his mom; surely its easy to find examples of nearly every family configuration imaginable, and to find both triumphs and disasters in the lives of their progeny.

[dctackett]

I, too, was raised by a single mother, but I think the concept of "do we even need Dads?" doesn't really have a leg to stand on...
do we even need mothers? A friend of mine is a single father, the mother took off after birth and he has raised his son alone.
I think maybe the point should be "do we need two parents?"
I'm sure glad I didn't have a father, having met him a few times, I wouldn't want to have grown up learning how to be a man from him and if he tried to indocrinate me with his religion... no thanks!...
Though I do have to say that I actually think that, in general, children should have two parents. Simply because having to raise a child alone causes undue burdens and stress that can lead to poverty, neglect and emotional damage. It would be nice to think the world is roses and kittens, and single mothers own homes and have money to help them live and raise their children, but it's not.

For every Olympian raised by a single parent, I can show you hundreds, thousands raised by a single parent that are living in poverty, ignorance, despair and suffering.