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Jon and Kate Plus Hate
America is obsessed with a husband and wife who are driving their family off a cliff. Jon and Kate Gosselin were just a nice couple with a lot of kids. Then television got a hold of them. Funny thing what fame can do. It put Susan Boyle in an institution after just a few of her fifteen minutes had ticked by on Britain's Got Talent. And it's tearing the once-happy Gosselins apart, even as the disintegration of their marriage proves the largest rating bonanza for the TLC network in its history.
But at what cost?
TLC is a moral network. I know because they spent millions of dollars sending me around the country healing families in crisis on Shalom in the Home and we are about to launch a new program devoted to helping married couples whose sex lives have disappeared. And yes, their agenda is to make a TV show. But there were many occasions when after a few days of filming the network told me they had the show they needed but I insisted on staying a few days longer to help a particular family through its issues and no one objected even though it cost the network thousands more dollars. On other occasions during counseling alarming facts about particular families came to light during the filming. But we kept it off the air, even though the shock-value would have been great for ratings.
So why this time, when it comes to Jon and Kate, is the network sitting back and letting a family implode, especially when no one doubts that fame and fortune have played an important role in the family's demise? That question has been put to me by hundreds of our viewers who write to me, baffled that TLC has done nothing to save the marriage, if indeed it can still be salvaged at all. I cannot answer that question and I believe that TLC has a responsibility to try and help this family.
Some want the show taken off the air. They feel that reality TV in general is the real enemy, exploiting innocent people's problems to draw viewers. While I don't want to comment on Jon and Kate in particular, there can be no question that a great deal of reality TV is inane, embarrassing, and exploitative. So why, aside from the obvious ego considerations (there are no serious financial considerations as these shows make very little money), do I serve as a reality TV host?
Two reasons. First, let's get real. There is a greater chance of Jimmy Hoffa being found on the surface of the moon than networks dropping the 'unscripted' format. So we may as well utilize the genre to inspire families to fix rather than ignore their problems. Reality TV can help.
Second, and more important, what reality TV, Facebook, and Twitter all point to is a desire on the part of the average citizen to be the center of attention. Perhaps it's the fact that our parents missed too many of our Little League games or that our mature relationships are often so loveless and broken. Whatever the reason, there is a dearth of love in our lives and so we compensate with the poor man's version of affection, namely, attention. We all want to be celebrities. And our lust for fame has made us into a generation of narcissists who update our Twitter status with what we ate for breakfast and how are hemorrhoids are faring. But in the course of sharing the details of our days with others, believe or not we have stumbled on a solution for one of the biggest problems of human existence: growing bored with our own lives.
Time was when everyday life was seen as so monotonous that you had to retreat into Star Trek science fiction in order to keep things interesting. Teens especially spent huge chunks of their time immersed in fantasy video games. But along came reality TV and demonstrated that things as simple as speaking to your spouse and being raised by your parents could actually be interesting.
One of the things that most undermines a marriage is when a husband and wife fail to highlight the small things. A man comes home from work, his wife asks him how his day went and he offers a monosyllabic retort, "Same." Conversation over. In truth his wife is fascinated by the small things of her husband's day. He's the one who thinks it's boring. Indeed it can be said that in life there are no small things. The good life accrues to those who see the ordinary as extraordinary, the natural as miraculous, and the everyday as unique. Couple are held together not by the giant canvass of momentous experience but by the small fibers of everyday occurrence.
This is also an important lesson for our teenagers who too often make the mistake of idolizing famous rock stars because of the perceived glamour of the celebrity's red-carpeted life. While the Jonas brothers are singing in front of fifty thousand crazed girls, Sheila is making her bed and taking out the garbage. But if, by some mechanism, sharing the experience of doing something as ordinary as homework could be seen as glamorous and something others wish to read, perhaps, the teenager might be reengaged in their own lives instead of living vicariously through a damaged star.
Reality TV might just bring us back to reality. Facebook and Twitter might just lead us to appreciate the small stuff, so long as we don't go off the deep end and make them into super time-wasting indulgences of unfettered narcissism that preclude us from ever meeting real people.
It helps that Twitter let's you post only 140 characters at a time, a near impossibility for a Rabbi and a clear indication of anti-Semitic intent on the part of its creators.
So let me practice my brevity by summarizing my points in Twitter format:
1. Reality is always more interesting than fantasy.
2. Little things are really big things. Nothing in life is inconsequential.
3. Fans are good. Followers are better. Friend me on Facebook. Follow me on Twitter.
There, all done. Now back to writing my twenty-page Sabbath sermon. I know you can't wait.
Sign up for Rabbi Shmuley's tweets at www.Twitter.com/RabbiShmuley
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What about their poor kids? What I am absolutely amazed at, is that the state of PA has not appointed a Guardian ad Litem to look after the interests of these children, as their parents are obviously NOT placing the children's emotional well-being ahead of their own financial interests. I got divorced a few years ago, when my son was around the age the Gosslin kids are now. Even a polite, amiable breakup is INCREDIBLE hard on a child. It is absolutely abusive to force these children to maintain their 'public' TV show personas during this mess. The network should not be permitted to keep filming, regardless of what the parents say they want. I work in the advertising industry- if Jon and Kate really had wanted to make sure their children had money for college, etc. there are so many other ways they could have done individual advertisements or product endorsements, etc. that would have been healthier and much less invasive for these poor kids. The Jackie Coogan law needs to be updated to protect minors whose parents force them onto reality tv for financial gain.
I don't live in the US and have never seen this show (seems a blessing) and I don't know the Jonas Brothers and all of that. However, I just wanted to say that "Rabbi Shmuley Boteach" has got to be one of the coolest names ever! Weird, but awesome. Seems like you're a good guy, Rabbi...try and straighten out that popular culture mess over there, ok?
I'm an American who lives outside the States. I don't own a television. Never heard of Jon & Kate until said "meltdown". Obviously, the fantasy-land of (un)reality TV set up their implosion. There's a vicious cycle afoot. It goes like this: the entertainment-advertising complex dumbs down the slack-jawed population at large (especially the mush-brained youth) till it believes that the peak experience of existence is getting your mug on the t.v. screen. Then the complex plucks its chosen victims and sacrifices them on the public altar and, when it's time to dispose of the corpses, blames the victims for their irresponsibility. Then it turns back to the slack-jawed population and asks, "Now aren't there lots of you out there who could handle fame and fortune a whole lot BETTER than those pitiful losers, huh?!" The lemmings cry out in unison, "Me! Me! Me!" And the Complex just goes on raking in the cash. The easy way to sit out this farce is to be neither audience nor victim. There's no law that says you HAVE to go to the Coliseum, you know....
Indeed Rabbi, funny thing what chasing fame and TV can do.
I was just with a friend last night speaking of how we knew a rabbi in England who was absolutely the best person to learn one on one with who would ask the best questions, bringing true joy especially to those who had never studied judaism before.
...and then this same rabbi decided to become a global media star seeking the adorations of millions instead of those lone students and has suffered the ups and downs of chasing that dream ever since.
This is whole article is totally naive. Who are you kidding when you say shows like "Jon and Kate plus 8" don't make lots of money? It's an absolute CASH COW for TLC. That and probably that alone is why they stay on the air. And the whole "family falling apart" angle is ratings gold, I'm sure.
Where is the personal responsibility here? You write as if Jon and Kate had no choice in the matter, as if they were kidnapped and forced to do this stupid TV show. Yes....the kids should be the main concern and I feel almost bad for writing this but.....if you are willing to openly exploit your entire family by putting them under almost round the clock surveillance for the sake of profit, then maybe your family unit was never that strong to begin with and you should separate.
It's like people who blame McDonalds for their being fat. Take some responsibility!
You're absolutely right.
Agreed
It's a two way street, though.
The media looks at members of the public as fodder to be consumed by them and their viewers, no matter what fate may befall those put (sometimes) involuntarily in the spotlight. For all the faux concern expressed for average folks by local news anchors, their actual focus is on glorifying themselves via presenting human foibles and tragedy on a daily basis and getting a bigger paycheck in the bargain when negotiation time rolls around.
On the other hand, there are enough people so desperate to have attention brought to themselves (and the money they are given for it) that it only further validates the way the media's hungry maw does business. That is, the media is only too happy to be carney barkers for folks who wish to become cartoons in the name of their own narcissism.
I liked Shalom In The Home and TLC for the most part but hated their lack of portrayal of families headed by same-sex couples. It was a large reason why I tuned out of TLC.
If they decide the can make $ off of it, that will be next.
"Time was when everyday life was seen as so monotonous that you had to retreat into Star Trek science fiction in order to keep things interesting."
Nah. It wasn't Star Trek. Historically, it was alcohol.
While your point about these reality shows being supplied by a seeming increase in narcissism in society, I would argue that man has always been narcissistic, we just have more toys and social permission to give the game away. We all want attention of one sort or another. I personally wouldn't mind the accoutrements of celebrity (hot and cold running chicks, dump truck loads of cash), but I couldn't deal with the violations of privacy inherent in being a public figure. I think most of us are balanced enough to realize the consequences of that lifestyle.
Nonetheless, there does seem to be an ethos among some of the public of, "I'm on tv, therefore I am." Look at the idiots at televised ballgames who whip out the cellphone when they know they are on camera so that they can tell their friends. I mean, really, who cares? Being anonymous has definite benefits and some folks need to know that. The cellphone at the ballgame move is such a pathetic portrayal of just how insignificant you feel one doesn't know if one should despise people that needy or feel pity for them.
Part II: As far as the J&K family being so popular, it was originally because they were a family under tremendous stress with a large family in overwhelming conditions. But this is a couple that had the courage to show us how overwhelming it was, how they didn't take it out on the kids but on each other because of their limited resources and support and their own human failings. J&K both came from wounding families and bear the emotional scars because of it. I felt their pain, frustration, and ignorance of how to be good mates to each other but they sacrificed themselves for their family. They knew their house was too small, they didn't know how to pay for 8 colleges and weddings and clothes, etc and the opportunity to address those fears came in the package of being on TV. But product promoters exploited them, vacation destinations used them, and lastly every TV and paper gossip rag and news channels have used them to promote themselves at the expense of this family. And the public and their families without any critical thinking, knowledge or brotherly love ate it up hook, line and sinker and got on the hate wagon to hell.
This family is now in crisis and needs a hero. This family is not the problem, they just held up a mirror for all of us to examine what is exactly wrong in our own lives and world.
This family does not need a hero. This is a couple that had more children than they were capable of providing for. Then they grabbed at a money making opportunity that put not just their lives, but the lives of their children on the public stage for everyone to see and comment on. Poor common sense, lack of self-knowledge, a need for public adoration, and a television station willing to exploit these characteristics - all add up to a family in deep trouble. I feel sorry for the kids. They're certainly not at fault. But all the adults involved in this situation are pathetic. Shame on all of them.
Shame on them. They have exploited their children for money. Children are NOT commodities to be sold.
What about that Rabbi?
And Rabbi, have you discussed your concerns with TLC? If not, WHY NOT?
There are children at stake here.
Part I: I have a lot of respect for you Rabbi as I used to watch your show and I've seen you on TV and I like the advice and wisdom you have. And you've made some very valid points in your article here. I think the big picture problem here over and above reality TV is that we don't know how to be good citizens to ourselves, to each other, and to our families. Our communities such as families, churches, schools, governments, etc have all abandoned us so we are all so clueless on how to behave and create peace and love. Capitalism and risk management (lawyers) without accountability has forced families to be splintered by forcing both parents into the workforce at the expense of their children and the community at large because children are raising themselves without morals, maturity,empathy or manners, self esteem, etc. The media has raised our children, and they have children, and we now have a world without love but hate, without understanding but indifference and shame, etc. The only 3 people in the media who are advising, teaching and stepping up to take care of each other are you, Oprah, and Dr. Phil.
Oprajh and Dr. Phil have had these horrible parents on their shows. Where are they now when the family is imploding in front of the nation? Shame on them and TLC too.
I don't watch any of these programs. I like PBS.
They make very little money? Don't these incredibly high-rated shows have advertisers? I would bet that they make plenty of money, and since they don't have to hire real actors their overhead is relatively low. However, as long as people are willing to be humiliated on national TV and others are willing to watch them, I doubt that the format will go away.
They reportedly make 50-75K per episode and are shooting 40 episodes in season 5. You know there are cameras around all the time.
TLC is not a moral network. They pandered to you because you are one of the famous and the powerful. That this family is disintegrating right in front of our eyes is happening, in part, because you are here justifying your role in the proliferation of the genre while merely damning it with the gentlest of rebukes.
Take some of TLC's big money they throw your way and go help this family. You, unlike the rest of us out here, stand in a unique position to do something positive for them. That would be the moral thing.
There is 'good' reality programs like the one the author was involved with, 'Dirty Jobs', 'Deadeist Catch', 'Extreme Makeover', that help people with good intentions or show real people doing work. Ones like 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' and competitive ones like 'Amazing Race' or 'Survivor' tend to be at the least annoying or tend to show too often the worst in human conditions or exploit human weaknesses. Perhaps we need to go after the advertisers who support the entertainment media and tell them to not support the 'bad' reality shows.
I don't consider knowing that you are going to be on national TV to be reality. Unscripted tv....maybe. I haven't seen the Rabbi's show but it sounds a tad different than Jerry Springer or other "reality" offerings.
I only learned about Jon & Kate when I read about them on Huff Po.
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