Modest is the New Sexy

Those who dreamed of a time when men would appreciate women for their minds rather than their bodies can only lament the proliferation of explicit sexual publications by students of elite universities that are now exploding on the American campus. We once all took understandable pride in how women came to constitute majorities at America's top universities like Harvard, Yale, and Boston University. A time to take women seriously had finally arrived. But what are we to make of wildly popular student-run sex magazines like H Bomb (Harvard), Boink (Boston University), and SWAY (Sex Week at Yale)? What are we further to make of the fact that the magazines are mostly run by female students who disclose the intimate details of their 'hookups' and take their clothing off for male students? Boink's circulation, for example, is an unbelievable 40,000 and its editor, Alecia Oleyourryk, posed nude for its first issue. The female editors of each of these publications told Newsweek that one of the principal reasons they publish the magazines is that they 'hope it will lead to professional opportunities after graduation.' Huh? What professional opportunities are we talking here? Surely you don't need a Harvard degree to dance on a pole. And was it really worth the hassle of acing the SAT and spending $40k a year on tuition to do what women in Playboy get paid for? Is this was what generations of courageous feminists fought for? The right to get into Yale and write of your latest shag?

Pornography may be all over the internet. But let it remain in the cyber-gutter and not in our highest academies of learning. What can be said of a culture where even the most educated women are conditioned to be the male plaything? Are there no women who are outraged by this development? Has our society become so decadent that we will even tolerate the corruption of scholarship itself?

One despairs at the thought that male respect for women may never happen in our lifetime. When I visited a campus this week for an academic symposium, I was surprised to see the many miniskirts, even though it was high winter and one would assume the women were not dressed this way for themselves.

Can anything be done to persuade women to cover up and regain their self-respect?

About two years ago my daughter came to me and complained about the paucity of modest clothing available in department stores for religious girls. The clothing that did exist that covered you up was frumpy, ugly, and uninspiring. From there was born my daughter's idea to one day create a clothing line of modest wardrobe that was colorful, form-fitting, and striking. My contribution to her idea was the tag line: modest is the new sexy.

Indeed it is. What all these misguided young women don't understand is that attraction is created by that which is hidden, eroticism by that which is concealed. Is anyone really interested in seeing Britney's private parts after they were splashed all over the internet? Or does the whole thing become not just distasteful but gross. Pamela Anderson flashed her mammaries for a decade. Anyone still looking?

While eroticism is manifested in the body, it is created in and sustained by, the mind. That's why pornographic forms of eroticism leave us feeling empty. They are purely material and leave no room for the individual soul to discover its intricacy. Because eroticism is a perceptual function, it is sustained by building complexity. Why is it we get bored with something? Because the thing in question has ceased to challenge us. We have come to know it completely, and when there is nothing else to know, it no longer provokes mental engagement. Eroticism must be built on knowledge. It must be built on things that require more investigation, things that are multi-faceted in nature. That's why the woman with a brain will always be more deeply alluring than the woman with merely a bust. Eroticism invites the mind to be invested in the sexual experience. Eroticism is the fusion of material and non-material. Body with soul. And if we approach eroticism as a quest to unearth the great mystery of existence, then this develops into a wellspring of fulfillment and passion, a wellspring that will never run dry.

Whereas our Islamic brothers and sisters by and large see the purpose of modesty as preventing men from having bad thoughts, Judaism insists that we cover the body for precisely the opposite effect. Men and women dress hidden in order to enhance the natural attraction of the masculine and feminine poles so that when they marry and get intimate the act of removing clothing will illicit powerfully erotic thoughts and actions. The human body will never lose its magnetism.

Here's the truth of the matter. Modest women are the sexiest of all. They look feminine, desirable, and their covered bodies invite male curiosity. True, they might not get the immediate stare of the exposed cleavage. But the difference is that the man will stay focused on the covered woman's flesh well after her cleavage-bearing sister has nothing left to offer. The modest woman who conceals her sexuality invites a man to reveal it, always teasing the possibility of more. And what is eroticism if not the arousal of limitless possibility?

It is also time to praise the religious Jewish woman who, with her sleeves, stockings and long-flowing skirt, is not just a model of femininity but is super-desirable to boot. Her modest reserve is erotically irresistible. These are girls who do not date recreationally. They are no man's game and are thus absent of artifice and guile. They do not dress in a manner that would manipulate. They do not use flirtation to slip under a man's armor. Less so do they use their sexuality to gain power. Rather, they exude an innocence that draws forth a man emotional nakedness.

And by giving a man a safe arena within which to express his feelings and overcome his fears, he comes to not just love a woman, but to respect and be stimulated by her. Because encased in that attractive body is an even more attractive mind.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach hosts a national radio show on 'Oprah and Friends,' airing 12pm and 5pm daily. He has just published 'The Broken American Male and How to Fix Him.' (St. Martin's Press).

Comments

[Pandu]

Now that I've read the article, I have to disagree somewhat with the Rabbi's position.

The purpose of refraining from immodesty and sexual fantasy is not to increase one's attachment to the body of one's attraction. It is to reduce the obstacles hindering our devotional service and our view of the incomparably gorgeous form of the Lord.

In Bhagavad-gita 5.22, Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead says,
"An intelligent person does not take part in the sources of misery, which are due to contact with the material senses. O son of Kunti, such pleasures have a beginning and an end, and so the wise man does not delight in them."

In contrast, the form of the Lord is unlimitedly beautiful, and fixing one's mind on Him is purifying, in stark contrast to the degradation of lusting after things of this world.

"Know that all beautiful, glorious, and mighty creations spring from but a spark of My splendor." - Krishna, B.g. 10.41.

Furthermore, He says in verse 8.6, "Whatever state of being one remembers when he quits his body, that state he will attain without fail." This means that a man who habitually thinks of a woman will become a woman in his next body, whereas one who meditates on the form of the Lord will attain a form like His, eternal and full of bliss and knowledge.

Indeed He continues the next verse as follows:
"Therefore, Arjuna, you should always think of Me in the form of Kåñëa and at the same time carry out your prescribed duty of fighting. With your activities dedicated to Me and your mind and intelligence fixed on Me, you will attain Me without doubt."

I'm still pressed for time, so that's enough for now. Hare Krishna.

[Pandu]

I was reading in the Srimad Bhagavatam (the chief scripture in the Vedas) recently that shyness is very attractive in a woman, and I recalled that when I was in high school, the most enchanting girl I knew was so shy and modest that none of the boys knew how to talk to her. I have no doubt that she eventually found a very nice gentleman.

I should apologise that I do not have time to read the whole article or other comments before posting, but I intend to do that later.

[S1m0n]

"Can anything be done to persuade women to cover up and regain their self-respect?"

What is this shit? There's nothing wrong with women's self respect, however they dress!

This is nothing but the author's projection of his own negative feelings onto women. He'd be better off asking himself some searching questions about why he can't respect women he sees as too sexual, and let women look after their own clothing to suit themselves, not his hangups.

[dadw5boys]

MODEST HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE MOST SEXY!

THE WILD OPENLY SEXY HAS ALWAYS BEEN SCARY.

LIKE INTERNET SCREEN NAMES WHERE PEOPLE HIDE AND LET THEIR DEVILS LOOSE. THOSE DEVILS CAN BE HARD TO GET BACK IN THE BOX AND RUIM YOUR LIFE.

[Silpat]

Women can't have it both ways.

[alkamm]

The good rabbi is simply following conventional morality, and his specious reasoning is a sad exercise in trying to justify the fear of female sexuality.

Each year men and women are treated to the carnival atmosphere of Halloween and Mardis Gras as well as other local bacchanalias that allow men and women to enjoy liberation from the tired old injunctions society places on their brains and bodies. Each year moralists say women should not dress like sluts even though their sluttishness is a pose and adopted as a cheap form of liberating entertainment.

To deny women the right to wear fashionably beautiful clothes because those clothes accent or reveal their bodies is unfortunate, but when people tie the harmless expression of sexuality as contrary to well-ordered, disciplined minds is ridiculous.

Our society shows a healthy respect for sexuality and we are less prurient than those societies who demand women hide themselves from us. The prudes of the world have too long held sway. Actually, they don't even really want people to talk with women because they are afraid even talk will lead to sexual transgression. They are fear mongers.

[Serfie]

I wish, oh I wish we were back in time before the monotheistic religions corrupted human sexuality with their inane beliefs.

There is nothing wrong with beauty, sexuality or sex. There is nothing wrong with Americans expressing their sexuality in any way they choose, as long as they are not hurting others.

Rabbi Shmuley obviously wants us to kow tow down to his personal beliefs, which are repressive and ridiculous.

[HeevenSteven]

"And what is eroticism if not the arousal of limitless possibility?"

So how many possibilities do you fantasize about daily?? What makes you the expert on this?

[Pandu]

You don't get it. Fantasies are limited. By "limitless possibility," he's indicating that the mind unattached to objects is like an uncarved stone, with unlimited potential that is best left uncomprimised. The transcendental eroticism he values is that of renunciation and purity, which are never manifest when sexual fantasies are in mind.

I can tell you that much although I still haven't had enough time to read the article.

[DemandTruth]

There's no reason you have to go to extremes either way. Sure, you don't have to wear the mini mini mini skirt and pushup bra, but neither do you have to wear stockings and skirts down to your ankles and keep your hair covered with a scarf! How about letting women decide for themselves how they want to dress, and what makes them feel sexy. And STOP judging them either way! Could we try that this millennium?

[Myrrhis]

EXACTLY, DT . . .

If a woman chooses to dress modestly or im-, that's her business. May I add, too, that sexuality is not one way. Women are not a target in sex (unless you have been watching those Target ads from a few months back, sheesh, hullo Freud) they are part of the equation, and only sometimes. Yer prescription for sexuality leaves out our homosexual brethren entirely.

The "woman as target and temptress" way of thinking also contributes to sexual violence, the whole "She had it coming cuz she was dressed that way" school of thought. How outdated is that?

[Roswalien]

I decided to chime in here in protest against this post. If you filter everything your narrow paradigm, it is easy to make blanket statements such as you did. However, if you take a more broad view of your subject matter, you will realize that there are many more men like me who view a woman as sexy because of her confidence. If that confidence includes showing cleavage, leg, or anything else offensive to you, so be it. The fact women are viewed as sexual creatures because of the way she dresses is because of, not in spite of, you and your kind. If you cannot appreciate the female form's beauty without thinking of having sex with her, than the fault lies with you. I see hundreds of attractive women a week, and the only one I want to have sex with is my wife. I'm not enlightened beyond my times, but rather you are way behind the times yourself. A woman, and a woman only should decide how she presents herself to the world without fear of religious (Islamic, Jewish, Christian, etc.) people judging them for it. Enlightenment is getting past the biological urges you are so scared of and embracing sexuality, both in private and in the public world.

[Storm]

Sigh.

Sexy and intelligent are not mutually exclusive.

[radmul]

It is sad that the only form of sex you can deal with is your own narrow realm.

[mommadona]

"Can anything be done to persuade women to cover up and regain their self-respect?"

Yes. Take away the power of it - the MALE WEAKNESS of the perpetual need for sex for pleasure.

Most mammals screw to perpetuate their species.

Men screw because they can - constantly - wherever they can find it - and THEY are the ones who go searching for it.

I do not know of one woman (especially married women with children) who wakes up in the morning and thinks: "Well, let me see - who can I screw today for pleasure?"

Make masturbation acceptable.

It is the LEAST "ORGANIZED" religion can do.

[Beelzebufo]

Animals have no idea why they screw, except for physical (pleasurable) gratification of pent-up desires. All animals do it, including humans. Animals, humans included, are compelled by instinct to desire the things they do.

Even salamanders and toads get off in Springtime.

You cannot analyze pleasure.

[DemandTruth]

How do you know? Have you asked an animal lately if it knows why it screws? All I know is that SOME species (like some apes) seem to use sex as a social tool - to build bonds and also for pleasure, and not just to procreate. However, there are other species (cats, for instance) who go into heat at specific times, when they are fertile to get pregnant. Other times, when a female cat is not in heat, she's not at all interested in sex, and the males don't hang around the house all night yowling and fighting! This is not an either/or kind of thing dealing with human/animal sexuality. To speak of it that way does a disservice to the beauty and (yes) pleasure of the natural cycle.

[Roswalien]

Mommadona, I fear you have had bad experiences with men in the past. In my experience of the last 37 years on the planet, I have found that, at least in American society, the power of the sexual relationship lies solely in the hands of the female. I have never in any relationship I have ever had cheated on my girlfriends/wives. I do not let the drive for sex propel me into the arms of anyone, anytime. My wife wakes up relatively regularly wanting sex for pleasure, with me, her husband. We have two kids and she enjoys sex very much. My job is to make sure sex is pleasurable so she keeps wanting to have it. One last thing...ma­sturbation is private....why would anyone need to make it acceptable? Are you planning on doing it at the table during dinner?

[blueraven]

You know a lot of repressed women, don't you? What several people here have failed to grasp, including the good rabbi, is that women's sexuality is very similar to men's in its power to lead the mind when you're dealing with the libido of the average college student. Throw in how women nowadays are not taught as much as they used to be that it's wrong to want and pursue sex, and you get 19-year-old women who are just as horny as their male agemates and just as willing to do something about it. Welcome to the next wave of the sexual revolution, people.

[HeevenSteven]

Make masturbation acceptable? Why not sex as well? The least religion can do is not demonize it.