Where Have All The Gentleman Gone?
In Ireland last week, in front of hundreds of students at University College Dublin, I participated in a debate on whether pornography is destructive or harmless. Numerous speakers on the pro-pornography side argued that pornography was a central part of women's liberation, a point which met with thunderous cheers from the women in the audience. When it was my turn to speak, I asked the young women present to raise their hands if they needed a man. Not one hand went up. I then told them that commensurate with the degree to which men are becoming immature, porn-obsessed schoolboys, women are giving up on the hope of ever finding a noble, well-mannered gentleman. As women confront the vulgar reality of how men treat them, they discover that becoming masturbatory material to men is not particularly liberating.
The despair of Dublin's women was mirrored the next evening in a conversation with a twenty-nine year old woman who told me that she had given up on finding a good man because the men in Dublin were conditioned 'to treat women as orifices.' She said, 'A huge number of women play along by coming out on Friday and Saturday nights in their skimpy mini-skirts in the freezing cold, getting completely drunk and doing anything the guys want in the mistaken belief that somehow this will bring them love. After a few years they give up on men and become like me.'
Nowhere in the Western world are we raising a generation of men who pride themselves on their restraint and respect toward women. We are likewise failing to cultivate women who refuse to be complicit in their own degradation and who insist that their sexuality be shared with a man only in the context of a serious and tangible romantic commitment. It's a man's world. Women just live in it.
This is even true in marriage as more and more relationship experts blame a cheating husband on his wife. If a man is unfaithful, they argue, it is often due to the fact that he feels lonely and unappreciated by his wife. By recognizing that their husbands have emotional and sexual needs which wives may be ignoring, a wife can win her husband back and ensure that he does not stray.
A few months ago I mentioned that this was the position taken by Dr. Laura Schlesinger after the Eliot Spitzer affair and it has since been echoed by other relationship writers.
But this attempt to blame the victim ignores the fact that the principle reason men womanize is to shore up their broken egos. There are so many damaged husbands who think that a nurturing stranger who both desires him and wishes to be an ear to his pain will be a salve to his painfully low self-esteem. In many cases, these are husbands who have wives who could not be more devoted, who give them sex whenever they want, who pine for them to come home at night, all to no avail. No matter how much she huffs and puffs, she cannot inflate his perforated ego.
Would we really suggest that, as Elizabeth Edwards ran around the country with incurable cancer catering to her husband's yearning to be president, he cheated on her because she wasn't caring enough? After Silla Ward Spitzer garnered national ridicule by quite literally standing by her husband in his greatest moment of shame, would we inflict the final insult on her by telling her that her husband hung out with hookers because of her neglect?
In this age of husbands who are sports and TV addicts, I dare say that there are probably more wives who are ignored by their husbands than the reverse. But women seem much more capable of controlling themselves and deciding that a husband's neglect is no excuse to corrupt one's character and become immoral. Indeed, the only way to truly affair-proof one's marriage is to decide that the pleasure of righteous action and moral heroism by far outstrips anything that can be experienced in illicit sex. This is something magical in a man's ability to turn down an opportunity to stray and walk away from the encounter a devoted husband and moral giant. One of the prime reasons we all suffer from low self-esteem these days is that we are not the people we want to be. Becoming a liar and a cheat is probably not, in the long run, going to make us feel a whole lot better about ourselves. But deciding to behave righteously even when we are in pain will.
To be sure, wives should of course work to reach their husband's buried emotions. Contrary to what many women believe, men are intimacy seekers. In these challenging financial times, wives should ask their husbands not, 'How did your day go?,' but, 'How do you feel about all the convulsions in your company?' They should nurture their men's hearts and do their best to address their pain. But in the final analysis, if a husband cheats, it's his fault. Period. He has his own selfishness and ingratitude to blame.
As I survey the current cultural landscape I often wonder, where have all the gentlemen gone? Our movies are filled with male bathroom humor. Our sporting heroes like Alex Rodriquez can't seem to respect their commitments. Our college campuses are filled with frat boy party animals for whom womanizing is an integral part of 'higher' education. Do men today only aspire to an internet startup but not to refined character? Do they yearn for the Forbes Four Hundred list but not to set an example for their own sons of how a great man honors his wife and prioritizes his family?
There was a likable young man I met in Dublin who was very smart but also very cynical. As I spoke with him he shared with me his desire to be recognized as a great director. He also said, matter-of-factly, that when he meets a woman he is unapologetic about trying to have sex with her. When I asked him if he wanted children, he said, "I love my future children enough not to have them. I would inevitably mess them up." Of course, by the same logic he might as well never try and make a movie. But then, great directors get Academy Awards while gentleman receive no public accolades other than the knowledge that they alone among men tamed and harnessed the beast within.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach hosts a daily national radio show on "Oprah and Friends." His most recent book is the 'The Broken American Male.' (St. Martin's Press) www.shmuley.com
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Adult men set the tone and their male offspring follow suit. My dad has plenty of faults, but growing up I never heard him speak about a woman being hot, deriding a female for being too fat or ugly. It just wasn't in him to badmouth people for things they had little control over.
It's not the same today. My 40 to 60 year old coworkers assess any woman who walks by or is on t.v. by their appearance. Watch an episode of COPS with them and they start bashing the fat chick who will go to jail because the cop won't cut her any slack because she's not a 10.
I'm sure their comments carry over from work into their home lives. Their kids pick up on it as do their wives.
I often wonder if these men, who consider themselves good husbands and fathers, fully grasp the damage they are doing to their loved ones. Their wives and children surely see them for the hypocrites they are.
maybe you should say something and let them know instead of just wondering.
For the most part, is it not women who raise these men?
not really... it's their male relatives, friends and TV that teach boys how to be men... unfortunately those aren't the best of examples.
Maybe if women would stop chasing after "bad boys"......
Absolutely!, But as more than one woman has said; "Nice guys are boring."
In my experience, being a gentleman is an invitation for women to use you, abuse you and discard you as soon as they've sucked everything they can out of you. Want to move from the gentleman to not-gentleman category - all you got to do is put your foot down one time and say no.
Maybe if there were more real "ladies" out there, if being a gentleman had more value in our society, more men would be gentlemen.
there's a difference between being a gentlemen and being a tool... if you allow people to walk over you, they will... for the most part they don't know any more than you and are acting without thought. What's missing is some straight forward honesty right from the start... don't let them walk over you and then all of a sudden say no...
The human animal, especially men, are not, by nature, monogamous. We are hard-wired to be attracted by sizes and shapes, skin tone, hair color, bodies that are symetrical....etc. A gentleman is one who has command over his physical desires, and shows appreciation to a woman for being a good woman (a woman who is comfortable with Nature's arrangement), a good person. A trashy woman will not attract a true gentleman, just like a trashy man will not attract a classy female.
I think this 'gentleman' mentality can be dangerous. Women need to decide what we want. Is it pretty packaging or a partner in life? I think that when we get wrapped up in our fantasy vision of a man that 'we deserve', we miss out on what is really important. Too often being a gentleman means holding doors, paying for dinner etc. This is all very nice, but ultimately useless. It doesn't help to build that long term bond that will hold a couple together. A man who does these things doesn't signal that he respects the individual woman and her dreams as much as he is behaving in a socially constructed 'good' way.
When I was younger, I too had a fantasy of that man that would sweep in and rescue me off to a big house. This guy would have perfect manners, be well-read and have good looks. My current boyfriend isn't rich, isn't traditionally hansome and prefers Subway to nice restaurants. However, he believes in my dreams. He is 100 % supportive of my ambitions and he is a real partner in life. My best friend is still waiting around for a man, but too often discounts perfectly good ones because they don't fit an old fashioned ideal.
A Prince Charming can only carry you off into the sunset to his castle. In the fairy tales HE is the actor, not you. You are worthy of having your own dreams and a man who supports them.
I totally agree.
People grow up thinking about that superficially, fantasy stuff, we don't really learn what makes a real partner... most end up learning the hard way, if at all.
so implying that women can't enjoy porn is somehow not sexist?
Speaking as a (single) gentleman from Dublin, it can be proven that the typical Irish female drinks too much, smokes too much, has too much unprotected s3x. Liver, lung and STI disease statistics will bear this out - there is an epidemic amongst Irish women in their 30s in all these diseases. The men fare no better.
More anecdotaly, one pretty, middle-class Dublin girl put her finger on it when she opined to me that "The men act too much like women. The women act too much like men." She proceeded to drink, cuss and smoke her way through the rest of the evening. (Perversely, the more she drank, the more unattractive she became.)
There is nothing for a gentleman to do except barricade himself indoors, perusing his copy of The Art of Worldly Wisdom by seventeenth century Jesuit Baltasar Gracian, available in discount bookshops, while hoping that the women's lib, like the world economy, will one day grind to a halt and become clever.
Good girls are attracted to bad boys because bad boys have confidence, pure and simple. A good guy who wants to appear attractive needs only to believe in himself - everything else is just surface gloss.
Reverse is true, as well - a woman with confidence will attract a man who appreciates her as a person; lack self respect and garner no respect.
It's not rocket science.
I was a little girl sitting on the floor of my living room watching women burn bras and talking about equality. The sitcoms were chastising men for opening doors and pulling out chairs for women and it's gone down hill from there.
I'm a liberal and proud of it, however, women and men are not equals that's just how nature made it and often women need help opening doors and even sitting in a chair depending on whether her dress is too tight, or if she is getting on in life and can use some help.
I understand the need for equality regarding credit, homeownership, education; and the women’s movement did shed a bright light on domestic violence and now perpetrators are regularly being punished for this crime in the judicial system, and that’s a good thing.
However, it was wrong of the women's movement to encourage a lack of respect for the old traditions and now we have none. It’s a free-for-all out there, and people are on their own to decide what is proper behavior between the sexes.
Women have became un-lady like and men have just followed suit. However, many men have completely gone overboard and frankly are not worth having when they behave this way.
The lack of manners by both sexes is perhaps why there are low birth rates throughout the world. We can’t even get to really know each other anymore because we are so turned off by first impressions.
I don't know what works for or will work for other women out there, but after I found Jesus, I realized in my heart, gut, and head that, yes, I am special and en souled, and that means not accepting treatment of a certain type. My man now took some grooming, but after two years of an ever strengthening relationship, he treats me like a "lady" as my heart and my head tell me I deserve to be treated. He has not strayed, even though we live in different cities. He calls me like a dozen times a day, and sometimes, we talk for hours in a row. Every time he learns something new about the world, or has an entrepreneurial vision, I am the first, and sometimes the only one he calls excited by his new thoughts. We have both sacrificed what is necessary to make it work well, and he told me recently that he loves three women with all of his heart: his mother, her mother, and me! And I am his first love, so this means a lot! It is because of me being a lady, demanding respect, having a quick wit and a sense of humor ranging from high to low brow, being a work horse and taking care of others that I was the first to win his heart. Not the models or heiresses this LA guy dated before. lil' ol' me got the Gentlemen Treatment and love!
I will do more research on what the rabbi by going to his website, etc. However, it seems to me the rabbi is actually ignoring males in this article. Ignoring their needs. He hints at some sort analysis but never is specific. And once again, this seem so much like all the blame is always the males, and women have no blame. Or rather, that women's obsession with relationships is somehow good, while men's obsession with sex is bad. Why is it always like this?
maybe he needs to look at popular male culture and how men are raised... there is an entire culture that boys are trained to follow and is ultimately incompattible with relationships, relationships aren't even in the picture, but "gettin' some" is...
If you go out looking for fratboys, you'll find them, and you'll think that's all there is. If women complain that there are no good men, it's because their looking at the fratboys and saying this is all there is.
There are plenty of good guys out there, but they're probably not clubbing, barhopping and drawing attention like the obnoxious fratboys. Some good guys can't find any love and they try to become those fratboys or just give up... after a while, they can't handle a good relationship, because they've been without one for far too long...
It's very difficult to continue to want to be a gentleman when it results in nothing. When women respond to aggression and "negative hits" with more excitement than when a man compliments her intelligence or beauty, it becomes increasingly frustrating. I don't have model-like good looks or pull in millions per year in salary, but I am a gentleman. A lonely one. I don't meet any women who respond to respect, only to unbridled arrogance and narcissism, on the man's part. Women can be as superficial as men, but entirely unable to admit it.
Where have all the gentlemen gone? They're at home, wondering where all the ladies went.
I have to agree, a lot of women are attracted to the arrogant, I'm too cool attitudes... maybe it's an evolutionary "attracted to the dominant" thing, they just spot the narccicistic arrogant confidence and eat it up... while the nice guys are weak.
But it's so obviously counterproductive to what women are supposed to want (relationships and child-rearing assistance) when they go after or allow themselves to be pursued and used by guys who will want nothing to do with them after a few instances of having sex, I can't understand how it can seriously continue that way. Evolution, I guess.
I have always found that the best way to be with a gentleman is to be a lady.
We shouldn.t expect more than we are ourselves willing to give.
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