My younger sister Judy died on the 15th of October; she was 66; our birthdays were on the same day. As kids we were inseparable; as adolescents and young mothers we were very close. As the decades passed, we drifted further apart, and being from a family skilled in estrangement, we were no longer intimate friends. I'll now never know how that was for her, but for me, it was and continues to be painful and sad.
In part she established her own person by being as different from me as she could. When I suggested natural childbirth because it had been a thrilling experience for me, she chose hypnosis. When I became passionate about legacy writing, she was unimpressed. Though a competent writer (she was an attorney and a family court judicial officer, writing daily in her work), she left her 18 year old granddaughter and her two sons without a word.
We found her will. We found a Health Directive (not filled out), but no legacy letter, no ethical will. There were no words of goodbye, none expressing her love, wishes or blessings for her sons and granddaughter. They knew she loved them, but it would have meant so much to have special words from her, in her hand, to comfort them in their immediate loss, and to include in their memories of their relationship in the future.
All of us yearn to be blessed; all of us need to be held securely in the love left so often unexpressed by our families and friends. We can't know when our time is. We have only now. I urge you to use the present to forgive the past and express your love for the future.
Some suggestions/action steps:
1. Make a list of the people in your life whom you love.
2. Prioritize the list in order of whom you'll write to first, second, etc. Legacy letters can be written to specific individuals and/or generically to the whole family.
3. Calendar half-hours segments in the next days and weeks to commit to legacy writing. Legacy letters vary in length from a one-page letter or longer, to a series of letters. Write for only 15 - 30 minutes at a time; (longer is not necessarily more productive).
4. Once written, you can decide when to offer them - from immediately, to a memorable moment or transition in their lives, or you can preserve them to be read only after your death. (Make sure that a loved one knows they exist and they are in a place where they will be found.)
5. Some content suggestions: communicate a personal message of love and blessing; document your stories to link past, present and future generations; share regrets and make amends; express values, ideals and gratitude.
Poet Ruth Brin died on September 30, 2009. In honor of her life and rich legacy, I reprint here her legacy poem: "The Death of Jacob," from Interpretations, © 1965.
As Jacob lay dyinghe had strength to bless his sons
and time to speak his prophecies.But in our time
death is a hungry hunter
pursuing us on the highway,
overtaking us in the fastest planes;Dying, there may be for us no long farewells,
no blessings, and no prophecies.Living, then, we must bless our children,
placing our hands upon them
and turning their faces toward God;
living, we must struggle for a better day.To foretell the future
may be a patriarch's privilege,
but to take the future in our hands is urgent
and to make it good shall be our human glory.Oh God of Jacob, while yet we live,
help us to guide our children in love and wisdom,
help us now to build a world of peace.
May your legacy writing bless your loved ones with peace,
and be an eternal gift of love and comfort to them,
~ Rachael Freed
You can find out more about communicating and preserving your legacy (ethical will) at www.Life-Legacies.com. Email: Rachael@Life-Legacies.com
The author of Women's Lives, Women's Legacies, Passing Your Beliefs and Blessings to Future Generations, Rachael is a Senior Fellow at the University of Minnesota's Center for Spirituality and Healing, clinical social worker, adult educator, and legacy consultant. She is based in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
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Being a 51 year old gay man, the losses in my life have been substantial.
In the final analysis, love is all there is -
And all the lucky souls who love and are loved can never be told too many times.
Knowing what you do about love and loss, I hope this will stimulate your writing to all those you love...words on a page that can be read and reread are precious to those experiencing the loss of a loved one. Love outlives death!
Thanks for your comment.
Rachael