It started our innocently enough. Brian had been divorced for three years when he filled out the cumbersome eHarmony profile. Looking through all the profiles on other dating sites was daunting, so he decided to let a computer do the mate selection for him. He had a good feeling about this, and as luck would have it, his instincts were on target. Among the matches eHarmony's algorithms presented him with, he discovered Angie, a beautiful and intelligent woman who shared many of his passions. However, the match had an unexpected complication: Angie had been married to a long-ago friend of Brian's. Nevertheless, Brian thought about it and decided to contact Angie anyway. After some initial hesitation for the same reason, Angie agreed to go out with him, and their first date led to a delightful courtship that culminated in marriage. Although the couple couldn't be happier today, they pissed off a few folks along the way. Apparently Angie's divorce was not an amicable one, and her ex was infuriated with both of them.
After hearing this story (and numerous others like it), I thought about Brian and Angie's situation, and my deliberation led me to flesh out the question "Is it ever okay after a divorce to date a friend's ex?" It's a complicated issue, and every situation is different, but I do have some insights and thoughts I'd like to share.
There is a good chance that when you start dating, no matter where you live, you will come across some potential candidates that you are already acquainted with. People you know might pleasantly surprise you by asking you out. And some of those folks may have previously been wed to a person you are familiar or even friendly with.
In a small town, there is a strong possibility that you know many of the divorced singles living there already. That being the case, there is a high probability that you may be asked out by someone who was once married to a friend, acquaintance, colleague, or even a relative. Or, on the other hand, you might be the one doing the asking out. While this might make for some awkward conversation in the beginning, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.
The same thing can happen even if you live in a large city. Several of my divorced friends in New York City, where I live, described to me that over the years they have been matched up (through introductions, internet dating sites, and serendipity) with potential partners who were once married to someone they knew. A woman I'm acquainted with is happily married to the ex husband of a former friend of hers. She told me that she met him and his wife because their children once attended the same school. She ran into him at a political event years later when they were both divorced. They started dating shortly thereafter.
None of this sounds awful or insurmountable, right? I believe that life does not have to end with a divorce, and if you want to fall in love again, you can. So what happens if the person you are interested in dating, or are falling in love with, was formerly married to a friend? How do you negotiate these potentially rocky waters?
Hypothetically these couplings could work out very well if you proceed with extreme caution and follow some guidelines.
First, I suggest assessing the quality of the friendship you currently have with the person's ex. In my opinion, the exes of best friends or really good friends are completely off limits. Use your moral compass to guide you. Why cause pain to someone you care about and who cares about you in return? Good friendships are sacrosanct. No one needs this level of drama; life is complex enough.
I also suggest honestly asking yourself, "How would I feel if a friend of mine was dating my ex?" In other words, where would you feel comfortable having the line drawn? I asked quite a few people this question, and most said they would be okay if their ex was dating an acquaintance. Everyone said they'd be terribly upset if it was a good friend. One person figuratively commented, "It's okay if someone near my home dated my ex, but not too close to home." I think this sentiment makes a lot of sense.
Now that we've established that it is not okay to date the ex of a best or even good friend, let's discuss acquaintances. If you've decided after careful deliberation that it is okay to date the ex of an acquaintance, move forward with care. Please remember that feelings can easily be hurt on all sides. Consider taking the high road by addressing the situation directly with the acquaintance prior to getting involved with their ex. (As well as, obviously, addressing the situation directly with the person you want to be dating.)
In the case of Brian and Angie, Brian did call his old friend to communicate his intentions. In their particular circumstances, Angie had been divorced for five years and Brian had not spoken to his old friend in over a decade. The men had been colleagues once, but that was many years back. Still, after weighing the costs versus the benefits, Brian decided calling was the "right thing to do." The conversation didn't go particularly well, but Brian had prepared himself and decided that he was willing to risk the possible social backlash by getting involved with Angie. I think if you give someone the respect of contacting them, no matter what their reaction is, you could feel that you did the appropriate thing, and that may ease your journey.
Probably the cleanest and least complex scenario is that you date someone where there is no crossover of social circles. But in today's E-world, there is a good chance that you may run into someone that you'd like to date and you happen to know their ex. At least now you'll be prepared.
Please note that all names in this post have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
However I would take into account what broke up the relationship in the first place.
My wife is extraordinarily attractive (especially in her younger years) so am me (not quite). I have seen countless hits of my acquaintance/friend’s wifes , girlfriends on me and I don't want even mention how many were interested in my wife.
Point here is: do not socialize. If you do then anything goes
Is it smart? No, unless you intend to end the friendship anyway.
Are you Ok if your friend date your ex?
Are you certain age (over 40) and if the relationship broke at least a year ago, and you live a place where there are many chances of finding a new person or where your friend already found another or the relationship was not long or the break up was amicable or blahh
The only time you should not date a friend's ex is if there was violence (where your friend was the receiving end)...that is just mean and if the break up was bad and you actually witnessed and you value your friendship more than this person...blahhh
it is not easy but it should not so black and white either!
If it's not your best friend but an acquaintance, I would still approach it in the same manner, but perhaps to a lesser degree -- depending on whether you're still mingling in the same circle.
So good on Brian for making the call. Sad for his old buddy who couldn't give Brian his blessing. Why stop a friend from getting together with your ex? That's never your right. And now that Brian and Angie are living happily ever after, all the more it's a testament that it was meant to be. Why get in the way of something beautiful just because it didn't work out for you?
Whether the ex used to be with an acquaintance or best friend, I don't think it's ever off-limits. People are free to do whatever they want. Just be honest, considerate and courteous. And tell your friend/acquaintance before the fact, not after. You will be able to pursue the ex guilt-free and gain self-respect many times over.
so the big question is answered, yes....:):):):):)
This reminds of a joke. A man in his forties meets a professional matchmaker. He has already come to terms with his singlehood. The m.m. proposes a divorcee. The single guy refuses, saying ,"If somebody else doesn't her why should I?" "I have a nice widow," the m.m. tries. The s.g. counters, "If she killed one guy, why should I be next?" "Ok, I got a single girl." "If no one is good enough for her what makes you think I will fill the bill?" The m.m.throws up his hands. "What do you want, someone who's married already?" "Yeah, if she's for good for him she's good for me."