Am I A Sex Addict? Are You?

Kevin Federline accused Britney Spears of being one, Gerald Ford thought Bill Clinton was one (and Clinton has had counseling for it), British comedian Russell Brand just came out as one, and Halle Berry's ex-husband Eric Benet sought treatment for it. But who's really a sex addict, and does it matter?

Sex addiction can be a real problem, but it can also be a way to hide from responsibility for one's actions, while blaming sex and sexual expression for the ills of society, including your own behavior. That's too easy of a scapegoat. Michael Leahy, who claims that pornography "ruined his marriage," has now found a new career preaching his anti-porn gospel to college students. A recent article states:

"I cheated on my wife, I broke my kid's hearts, I lied pathologically for years," Leahy said. "I knew what it meant to say you're a sinner."

For this reason, Leahy said he feels the call to talk to students, because anywhere from 6 to 8 percent of them might be in the same position he was, and he wants them to know they are not alone.

"Sex is front and center in our world today," Leahy said. "What you feed grows and what you starve dies."

I'm not sure how Leahy goes from eluding responsibility to then blaming sex itself. He even coins the phrase "sex syndrome" to "describe weakness sometimes brought on by the hyper-sexed media and pornography." This is a dangerous, alarming, and problematic way of thinking which is insulting to men, reducing them to mere automatons ready to lap up any message sent to them, unable to separate fantasy from reality.

The confusion over the line between healthy sexuality and sex "addiction" is crystal clear from the Sexhelp.com Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST). According to the site, it was "[d]eveloped in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists, and community groups, the SAST provides a profile of responses which help to discriminate between addictive and non-addictive behavior." Questions range from "Have you regularly purchased romantic novels or sexually explicit magazines?" and "Have you regularly engaged in sadomasochistic behavior?" to "Have you traded sex for money or gifts?" and ends with "Have you been paid for sex?" The 45 questions are all over the map, probing intense issues with yes or no answers as well as other relatively common activities which are cast in a negative tone by dint of their inclusion (watching porn, BDSM).

Let's take the ridiculously vague question, "Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?" I'd bet that anyone answering honestly would say a big, fat yes to that one. Even those of us who are somewhat exhibitionistic likely do not tell everyone we meet how we last got laid. Or what about "Have you used the internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?" Who knew that online dating was a precursor to sex addiction?

As it turns out, I don't meet the criteria for sex addiction, but as a person who cares about the state of human sexuality, I'm appalled at the sex-negative tone of this supposedly scientific, doctor-approved quiz. (If you're curious, I answered "yes" to questions 3, 5, 28, 36, 37, and 39). If you're looking to label anyone who consumes sexual media, hasn't always been interested in monogamy, has done any form of sex work, or, at some point, might have found sex anything but perfect, then by all means, use this assessment. But sex addiction is not something that can be simply or easily codified. Someone might have sex with a different partner every week (or more frequently) and not be a sex addict, but simply someone who enjoys sexual variety. Likewise, if you're locked in your basement 24/7 and don't seek any other sexual outlet aside from pornography, you may be (but are not necessarily) a sex addict, even though you're celibate. But who's making these judgments? MSNBC's Brian Alexander rightly points out that the these questions are hopelessly vague, and could potentially snare anyone in their net, as well as the fact that sex addiction is not recognized in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

Sex Addicts Anonymous, a "spiritual program" modeled on Alcoholics Anonymous, offers resources to those who need help, including a 12-question test that's at least a little more focused than the SAST (Sample questions: "Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?").

Sex addiction is also being seen in books and pop culture, where hopefully it'll get a more nuanced treatment than it tends to in news reports, where typically the self-proclaimed addict is intent on issuing multiple mea culpas, rather than exploring the complexity of the topic. I'm looking forward to reading Go West Young F*cked-Up Chick author Rachel Resnick's memoir Love Junkie, coming out next year from Bloomsbury. It tells "the story of one woman's dangerous addiction to sex and love. Rachel was a writer living in LA but put her creative energy into romantic obsessions, which almost destroyed her life." Popular erotic author Zane's novel Addicted, about a married woman who seeks counseling for sex addiction, is being made into a film by Lion's Gate, while Chuck Palahniuk's Choke, about a sex addict con man, is in post-production and will hit theaters in 2008.

To be fair, there are people who truly do need help with addictions of all kinds, including sex. But is it right to blame our more sexually open world for these addictions? I don't think so. If that were the case, then these addicts were still addicts back before porn became so widespread, but perhaps on the level of a "dry drunk," ones who simply didn't indulge their addictions.

I'm not a doctor, but I personally don't believe sex addiction or pathology can be measured merely in numbers. Some people have higher libidos or are simply more sexual than others. Conversely, I don't think those with low libidos, like memoirist Joan Sewell, author of I'd Rather Eat Chocolate, should be made to feel sexually incompetent, nor should those with bigger libidos be punished or made to feel like freaks. This isn't about sexual appetite so much as feeling in control of your sexuality, however you choose to exert that control. If sex controls you, most of the professionals seem to agree, then you could very well be a sex addict.

But there is a huge leap from watching porn and enjoying healthy sexual fantasies (which, by the way, can be shared with a partner as well) to cheating on someone you've pledged to be monogamous with. I'm with Marty Klein, who tells Alexander that the overblown hype about sex addiction is nothing more than fearmongering, and calls those intent on thrusting the label into the public consciousness part of the "sexual disaster industry."

If you do think you're a sex addict and you've got cash to spare, there is some good news. For just $5,400, you can spend six weeks making sure you go without sex or erotica, thanks to a program put on by Steve Gallagher, who believes that "No Christian should be looking at that stuff in the first place," he said. "If I'm looking at pictures of naked women, my life is not right with God." By that logic, I imagine anyone who's ever conjured up a fantasy about someone outside their relationship is guilty.

According to a Slate article entitled "How to Cure a Sex Addict," the purpose of such treatments is not to remove sex from one's life entirely (thank goodness!) but to put it in its proper place, which, I'd argue, is going to differ vastly for everyone. "The goal isn't to eliminate sex from your life--although temporary periods of abstinence may be necessary. Some therapists describe it as the difference between alcoholism and social drinking--you're healthy when you can handle moderate amounts in nondestructive ways."

To summarize, just because you think about sex, have sex, use pornography, and fantasize about people other than your partner doesn't make you a sex addict in any way. If you are truly concerned about your own sexual history and think you may need treatment, by all means, seek out a qualified therapist. In the meantime, let's separate our prudish judgments about other people's sex lives from a true problem.

Follow Rachel Kramer Bussel on Twitter: www.twitter.com/raquelita

Comments

[AJKenn]

Here's my two cents' worth:

While I do agree that there may be some cases of genuine sex addiction in which a person feels compelled to engage in sex (s)he may not want for whatever reason, I feel that the majority of the obsession with "sex addiction" is nothing more that simple classical Puritanism against those whose sex lives don't follow their narrow paths of reproductive marriage and/or monogamous "intimacy".

Sex can be no less a trigger for "addiction" than soap operas, chocolate, alcohol, tobacco, or any other substance, natural or controlled; the main difference is that sex is more of a natural function of humanity. The idea that somehow it can be contained or confined to mere "romantic" fantasies of "one person/one time for the rest of your life" have been proven time and time again to be simply false.

It may be that rather than attacking sexual desire as the trigger of the "addiction", perhaps analysts should go after the history of the "addict's" life to find the real trigger. Or perhaps, it may be a physiological issue with chemicals in her body caused by either some physical or psychological trama. Or, perhaps, it's just that (s)he has a higher than usual libido that can't be satisfied by one person alone.

Of course, one must protect him/herself from STDs and other hazards of pursuing sex...but to proscribe people as "addicts" just because they seem to have more sex than the "norm" is not only bad science; it is scapegoating.

Bravo, Rachel, for saying what needs to be said.


Anthony Kennerson
Lafayette, LA

[oogabooga]

America is drenched in sex but is still titilated, confused, shocked and appalled by the subject - all at the same time. Look to Europe for guidance. They have a much more sensible and healthy relationship with the subject.

[GhostTurdOf America]

I would rather be flying or riding.

[Trentmannina]

Rachel:

If you think that test has problems, you should see the tests they use to determine and treat sex offenders. I am a criminal defense attorney and the tests and treatment used make that test look extremely scientific.

[BARRISTER]

It is impossible to be a "sex addict".

Sex is nature's way of preserving a specie.

There are different levels of sexuality, same as there are different levels of athleticism, math ability etc.

It is survival of the fittest. The genes ultimate goal is to reproduce. That is THE ultimate reason to be, the be all and end all of human life. Reproduction!! Every single thing in life is done towards that end.That is why nature evolved sex to such a pleasurable act.
Reproduction without sex???

N'exist pas!!

And historically, those who have preached against sex have had their personal reasons.

[HowardBealesbrother]

After watching the actions of my boss over the last decade or so I can with out a doubt say that he is a sex-addict. By any measure very disturbed person.

[wshanks]

I think it is important for all people to realize and agree that having countless numbers of sexual partners really isn't healthy behavior. This is not a prudish judgment, but one that stems from fact. It is dangerous and corrosive to society in the same way that sharing needles is. HIV/AIDS aside (We all know how bad it is, we've got to stop it), there are many other dangerous STDs out there that can leave men sterile and women infertile or worse, and this is a real public health issue. Even using all the protection available, there is still a chance for infection.

That being said, I don't believe pornography to be related to the issue of sexual addiction at all. It can and does cause problems of its own, however, masturbation is quite different from sexual intercourse. Chronic or frequent masturbation rarely leads to health problems, unlike intercourse with many partners, which has varying risk.

andvoodootoo does a great job of summarizing the problem of sexual addiction - I certainly agree with her.

Still, people are responsible for their own sexual health, like anything else. The best one can do is to be careful and discriminating when it comes to intercourse, and if one wishes to take the risks associated with having many different partners, that is the freedom we enjoy in America. People should be educated but not preached to, and we all have to agree that a high risk sex life isn't a healthy choice. Just like eating bacon double cheeseburgers.

[Pdubya]

I thought of myself as a sex addict at one time, but then realized I was repressed. Once I discovered who I was, I was less obsessed with it, more comfortable showing my true self...and happy.

not to say there isn't sex addicts out there.

currently...i'm addicted to political blogging....yikes...what next!

[AMolinaro]

I took the SAST, scoring 7 out o 20. If I'm reading the graph correctly, that puts me in the middle, although some addicts score lower and some non-addicts score higher. However, as with any issue of addiction, 45 or even just 12 questions is far too many. Is your behavior seriously interfering with your life? If so, get help. If not, relax and realize that if people didn't like sex, our species would have died out long ago. We need to grow up as a nation and stop freaking out over every genital-related issue.

BTW, Spears did have sex multiple time with K-Fed, clear evidence of deviant tendencies.

[mouselion]

Getting beyond complicated formulas:

Substance addiction is often described as behavior where the addicted will endeavor to obtain the substance they are hooked on with no regard for the ensuing financial and/or relational repercussions. Using that logic, perhaps sex addiction is behavior where the addicted has no regard for their established relationships or their health.

[xrayman]

I'd like to be a sex addict but my wife won't let me.

[geobushono]

According to Eastern philosophy, the male is the active principle (in life).
Males are hardwired to spread their genes to any and all receptive females who meet the indivuals' qualifications.
I don't see this as an excuse to do anything....but I understand it is how males have evolved. Active, assertive and yes ego driven.
I don't have a concept of "sexual addiction". Clearly there are other conditions-depression/mania-that might account for an unusually active life, but I see that as just a way to cope that is preprogramed by evolution.

Just as I can only speak for the male life experience, I expect my sisters will speak only of their personal internal experience, and not to look for life as some pathology.
It's the culture.

[Florida08]

Sex addiction is real. It is a defense and control issue.

Sex addiction is exactly what it says..an addiction. That means you cannot go without and will do anything to get it. Many families have been devastated; bank accounts emptied, children abandoned, and disease transmitted.

Any healthy adult knows that making love spontaneously, watching porn now and then or having fantasies is not sex addiction. Don't they?

[ORSunshine]

My mom got remarried -- to a sex addict. I can honestly say that the reason my parents (her first marriage) got together is for the sex. They were both very much into the physical attraction -- they to this day obsess about their physiques in a way that made my brother and I reject their viewpoint and get into a more healthy mindset about what we should be attracted to and WHY. Anyway, my mom remarried and found out that the guy was a sex addict after the wedding... about three months later. He had a porn addiction (boxes of video tapes in the basement, binders of printed pornographic images from the internet, and a computer hard drive so full of porn that it crashed the computer). She, as a 50-something who put her sexual attractiveness at the top of her merits scale was devastated. She had married him and he was looking at other women! Didn't he find HER attractive? I tried to explain to her that it wasn't worth getting bent out of shape over -- my boyfriend at the time frequently looked at porn and it didn't really bug me one way or the other. But she was steaming mad over it and made him quit -- threw away his library of videotapes and printed material. But my perspective is that she wouldn't be so hurt by it if she didn't focus so much on sex as being the center of the relationship. So maybe it's not just about the sex, but about how it affects those who you love that is the real problem.

[skeptomaniak]

I think "sex addiction" is an invention that serves two purposes.
Organized religion can use it to suppress and manipulate more people. Guilt them into more submission to the control of the religious agenda.
Financial opportunists can use it to generate more cash flow into their pockets. Self-proclaimed "experts" can make people believe they have a problem or an addiction, then offer a cure for just a few thousand dollars.
Create a need then fill it.
Organized religion will stop at nothing to maintain and preserve the societal bullying influence it has enjoyed for so long but is gradually and inexorably losing.
I agree, "Sexual addiction" is just fearmongering.