The Media's Sexual Irresponsibility

I've had my iPhone since early November, but just the other day finally added the New York Times application. How excited was I to be able to access the paper of record at the touch of a button? Very much so, and the first thing I clicked on was the Opinion section. Lo and behold, that not only brought up the Op-Ed pieces and editorials, but also the Proof blog, their blog about alcohol. I started reading Jim Atkinson's Acts of Faith, about his 16-year sobriety. I was intrigued, until I reached this sentence:

We still make a lot of noise about being a sexually responsible and moral people, but we continue to have a 50 percent divorce rate and support a multi-billion dollar pornography industry.

It stopped me right in my tracks. I read it again, and found it just as offensive as I had the first time. In one short sentence, Atkinson managed to make all kinds of assumptions about sex, put down divorcees and porn users, and do his argument a giant disservice.

Let's start with the first clause: "We still make a lot of noise about being a sexually responsible and moral people..." Here, he's trying to draw a parallel between how we treat alcoholics and how we treat others who've somehow "sinned" in our society (the other example he picks is the overweight). The problem is, none of these terms are defined. I would agree we "make a lot of noise" about sex, but the noise doesn't all sound the same. In fact, sadly, much of it sounds exactly like the shaming, judging, and moralizing that Atkinson does here.

I read a lot about sex; as editor of the last two years of the Best Sex Writing nonfiction series (I'm about to start taking submissions for Best Sex Writing 2010), I pay attention to what our culture is saying about sex. It's an easy topic to find; on any given day, it's in the news in everything from politics to art to editorials.

But all too often, writers fall into the same trap as Atkinson: assuming we all share one view about sexuality. I'd venture to guess that to him, "sexually responsible and moral" translates to monogamy. Indeed, he then goes on to condemn those who've gotten divorced, and those who use porn...a group that, taken as a whole, probably makes up a population as large as some states'. Even though social networking may now be more popular than porn, porn is still pretty ubiquitous which means that even the most casual observer would be hard-pressed to make the point that all porn users are contributing to the decay of our society, something that Atkinson doesn't directly state, but implies.

In his bid to gain sympathy for his own interest group, alcoholics, he's tried to falsly claim that the "social drinking majority" saves all its opprobrium for alcoholics. Not true. On Friday night, at a reading for my anthology Best Sex Writing 2009, I chatted with contributors including Salon.com writer Tracy Clark-Flory and San Francisco Chronicle sex columnist Violet Blue. We discussed the fact that their pieces regularly generate hundreds of comments, many of them of this variety:

I'm sorry that Ms. Tracy is so cavalier with her body, with her feelings, and with her future. I'm also sorry that feminism has turned into nothing more than soft-core porn

And:

Keep it underground where it's actually cool, private and where those of us who think someone's bodily functions sprayed across the mainstream press is gratuitous and yes, VERY sexless, don't have to see it.

Those of us who write about sex, not to mention all those heathen divorcees and masturbators, get plenty of flak (it's not the subject of this piece, but so do the overweight, which should not be a news flash). I'm very tired of sex being seen as either inconsequential, scandalous, or to make a point like this that really has no point at all.

And I'm all for sexual responsibility and morality, but I recognize that my idea of sexual morality may be different from yours. If in order to make your point about being part of an oppressed group, you have to play a one-upmanship game in the "society hates me" game, maybe you need to rethink your argument.

Comments

[getoffthecross]

It would be nice if "greed" became the greatest sin in our society, as greed is exactly what brought us to where we are today.

But I'm afraid fornication is still the biggie, whether it encompasses pornagraphy, prostitution, adultry, or even physical intimacy between consenting adults.

Good luck tilting at the windmills. I personally think there are too many bigger fish to fry.

[Aleka4]

Yea I was with you on this...

...right til I found out my hub abused p0rn and Internet sex, deceived me and betrayed me for the whole relationship, and had a compulsive­/addictive disorder - the result of which is I am now going to be one of those "heathen divorcees" and will need therapy for the next few years to get over having my life turned upside down and dumped so my hub could jack on the net for strangers.

So - as much as you are thinking everyone is all prudes, your view is just as "extreme" and one sided as the other. Don't get me wrong, I have always been very openminded sexually and have never judged people for looking at skin or being divorced.

But more than 6% of the population has issues and problems with unhealthy fantasy and p0rn use, the same problem my hub has, so, like alcohol it is actually a real danger to many people in terms of its potential to destroy lives. And with the ease of access this number is only going to go up as more single men learn about se xuality from the net instead of real women - and will then find real women lacking.

So - try to get a balance in your views. I like to look at naughty movies myself, but it is not always healthy or good - and thats not a judgment call.

[LeftRight]

First, I must say that I feel for you. I know from the child's point of view, and from the point of view of the new husband, how harsh a divorce can be.

Second, you are right, some people are addicted to p0rn, and those people need help. On the other hand, completely banning p0rn (or, if you prefer, prohibition of p0rn....) will fail just as badly as prohibiting alcohol failed in the 1920s. Some people cannot handle their liquor, and those people need to be kept away from it, and some people cannot handle their p0rn, and those people need to be kept away from it. But the VAST majority of adults either abstain from one or the other, or both, or at least uses it responsibly.

[K-Dog76]

all the more reason too, to legalize prostitution.

[StopCensoringMe]

"I like to look at naughty movies myself, but it is not always healthy or good - and thats not a judgment call."

Actually, this is EXACTLY what you've done...mad­e a JUDGMENT call (you've even judged yourself as "bad" by referring to the films you claim to look at as "naughty".­..who says they are and if you believe that to be true, why do you look?). Your opinion. Nothing more. Anytime YOU pass judgment about a thing being bad, good, healthy, not normal, what have you, YOU are making a judgment. Just as you have judged your (soon-to-be-ex) husband as "compulsiv­e/addictiv­e." Perhaps if you'd had your "sex" bonnet screwed on just a little less tightly, your husband might not have felt so repressed as to have been able to share his sexual proclivities with you instead of fearing YOUR judgments and hiding it from you instead. Which, if I read correctly, is one of the thrusts (I couldn't help myself using that word) of this article...­if we will stop acting like puritans in this country and embrace our sexuality so we can stop hiding it, we will begin to undo the social pathology we've built up against it and begin to enjoy healthier sex lives.

And, yes, this is MY judgment.

[parkerfly38]

By G-d your comment is so infuriating that I just had to say one more thing... it's reasonable to expect when someone makes an ostensibly lifelong commitment to you, that you be the sole focus of their sexual outlet. Her expectations were set, more than likely, at the onset of their marriage, perfectly reasonable to most people. If he defied those, it's extremely selfish and extremely unhealthy.

For you, obviously, puritanical = anything that holds harsh judgment for the selfish actions of others.

[OtayPanky]

While I agree with your general thesis, there are a bunch of things I'm tired of in our society that are WAAYY higher on my own list.

We've got some big things on our plate: climate change, running out of energy, the possibility of a real depression, 40MM without health insurance. I say let's clean our plate, and then we can go back for dessert for some anti-puritanism a la mode, or whatever.

[K-Dog76]

Otay here is the promise of free healthcare, as part of the stimulus package currently under debate:

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601039&refer=columnist_mccaughey&sid=aLzfDxfbwhzs

Less coverage for the elderly and a slowdown in research and development. Some good discussion on Daschle's outlining healthcare from prior to his fall... its all in the stimulus bill/. Pages of the bill are cited.

Everyone will get healthcare, just a lot less of it. Be afraid.

[RevBookburn]

I think you patiently nailed the subject perfectly. It is good to see alcoholics recover for various lengths of time. The myth is that the only way to do so is with the 12-Step/ 'higher power'/ religion pushing methods. An extention of that is the pushing of weird ideas and agendas against 'sinful' living. So what is someone is divorced and/ or uses porn? Those are great subjects to derail discussions about real issues that need to be addressed. And as we have learned so many times in the last 25 years, loud voices for 'morality' and being sex-negatives usually have the juiciest secrets. Rev. Bookburn - Radio Volta

[OSA23]

'sex' has become a commodity used to either increase sales of a given product AND control the masses through shame, guilt, and of course fear (can we all come to the understanding that online predators are no more a threat than those killer bees that will someday rise and bring ruin to this nation..):

as Such, 'sensuality' becomes repressed into oblivion by those who are pointing at 'terrorists' and waiting for jesus to come down from the skies to save the good and punish the 'wicked'. true sexual responsibility starts with the acceptance of sensuality as a true personal religion existing as a means to nurture and to guide the individual into a vital and highly functional entity. individuals who choose to always condemn the participation of individuals within their sensuality AND sexuality are people filled with so much self-loathing that misery MUST DEVOUR company. this culture remains in deep denial as this culture has remained in deep denial for many many many centuries towards sensuality AND sexuality. the reason why this nation remains deeply transfixed in a perpetual status of 'crisises'

[carrieanna]

Weird, when I hear the term "sexually responsible" my only thought is that it refers to people using birth control if they aren't intent on having kids...or practicing "safe sex" to protect from STDs. I don't link it to divorce or porn.

p.s. I have a strong aversion to the usage of the word "moral." That word has virtually no meaning because everyone defines their own morality.

[robotfog]

I like sinning.

My only regret is that I no longer have the option. *weep*

[RobinSeattle]

You know, if the extent of American "immorality" was just our fondness for porno and the penchant for divorce, this would be a pretty good society.

There are far greater ills than the aforementioned phenomena, but the media pays attention to anything making loud noises, no matter how inane the content therein, and these repressed, angry control freaks are part of that.

Atkinson is part of the "Not Minding Your Own Business" caucus that makes up such a large part of the American right.

[Kyle Koerber]

You make great points, and are 100% right to call out Atkinson's lazy and dirty "one-upman" defense of himself at the expense of others. Thanks for writing this.

Nevertheless, I think your penultimate point - "And I'm all for sexual responsibility and morality, but I recognize that my idea of sexual morality may be different from yours" - while certainly not dirty and other-oppressing like Atkinson's defense - is lazy. It amounts to that dreaded negative buzzword "moral relativism­." We can hope to live in a society that is sex positive without the dangers that come from leaving this discussion at "you do your thing, I'll do mine" - surely the HIV crisis is evidence of that.

This is a great discussion to have, and to keep alive. I applaud and thank you for doing so - but as with all things, there is room to do better.

[AngelaQuattrano]

I'm tired of people who basically have zero clue that there is more to sexuality than their own unsatisfying lives deciding that they are experts with the right to pass judgment on things they do not understand.

[LeftRight]

I'm so tired of people claiming that their own view of sex is the only one that matters. I don't care what other people are doing with their own sex lives, and I don't want them to care what I do with regards to my sex life!

[Anthony Kennerson]

Excellent essay, Rachel....­and sad to say, what you, Tracy Clark, and Violet Blue experienced is only the tip of the iceberg for those who challenge the traditional conservative sexual mores in this country.

Somebody needs to remind Mr. Atkinson that it's mostly the "moral" and "responsible" folk who are leading us to death and economic ruin; while it's mostly the "rebels" and the "sinful" who will ultimately lead this country out of such darkness.

Anthony

[S1m0n]

"Indeed, he then goes on to condemn those who've gotten divorced, and those who use porn...a group that, taken as a whole, probably makes up a population as large as some states'."

You underestimate. The above constitutes the best part of the population of every state as well as of the US as a whole.