11/24/2010 10:29 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

And Now, a PSA From the TSA

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Terrorists are among us, seeking to destroy our dignity and erode our liberty. But we have a plan to protect you -- and all that we ask for in return is your dignity and liberty.

That's a small price to pay for being safe. After all, "safety" is our middle name! (Actually, it's "security," but we consider these to be one and the same.) And with polls showing that an overwhelming majority of Americans supports our x-ray scans and probing pat-downs, we know that you are with us in this Herculean pursuit as we strive to forge a brave new world from the ashes of craven terror.

As our head administrator has said, "We all wish we lived in a world where security procedures at airports weren't necessary, but that just isn't the case." Our job will never be done until all threats to security are eliminated, and so we are prepared to reach into the future with your safety in our hands.

We would like to take a moment to dispel certain falsehoods that are being perpetuated by radical elements in our midst. First, claims of fondling and ogling are vastly overblown; combing through the tangle of human genitalia and gross nudity is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Second, while we travel with the president and have lobbyists from the highest levels of Homeland Security, we can assure you that our interests are only with the people who matter the most. And finally, we at the Transportation Security Administration want you to know that we've got your back (and front) each and every day.

These are difficult times, and things will only continue to get worse. We are human beings just like you, and we feel your pain. Just like any concerned citizen, we are groping around for solutions to the rampant degradations and expanding intrusions that have become part of modern life. While critics may complain that we are too machine-like in our work, we want you to know that above all else we highly value the human touch, and know that terrorism can only be defeated with a firm hands-on approach.

In our quest to ensure smooth travels and safe public concourse, we are constantly plumbing the depths of technology for new ways to keep you secure in your persons and effects. By staying one step ahead of the terrorists, we can prevent them from repeating the same tactic that they've already utilized. When someone hides explosives in their shoes, you take yours off. When another puts a bomb in their underwear, we check to see what's in yours. Whatever they try next, we'll be right behind with a far-reaching plan to be certain that it probably won't happen again in that one particular way.

Eventually, we will develop a foolproof technology that allows us to see what's inside someone's head as well as their britches. But until that day, we intend to ensure your safety by any means necessary. Rumors of planned mass disobedience to our exploratory methods will only serve the interests of the terrorists. Do not give in to false fears! Only by rapidly responding to genuine fears can we all prosper and preserve the way of life that has made us the envy of every civilized soul on the planet.

Friends, citizens, visitors, and fellow travelers: We are on your side, now and always. The greatest nation in the history of the world deserves a supreme security system. We live in trying times, but we know that things will get better if we all continue to reach for the stars. Remember our motto: "Scope. Grope. And hope." Until that distant day, we ask you now to say, in that all-American way: "T-S-A, T-S-A, T-S-A!"