You're a savvy queer who's been eyeing a hot trans guy at the monthly dance parties, or the regular cutie you see at all the fundraising events, but how you make the approach? We here at Early to Bed have had many customers ask for our help in flirting and consummating their crush on an FTM, so on Feb. 9 we're presenting a first-ever workshop, How to Bed a Trans Man, that covers this topic in detail. If you can't make it to the shop in person, lucky you, here are seven tips to help you up your seduction game and keep you from inadvertently offending (or just turning off) your date.
1. Don't use the word "tranny."
RuPaul loves it, but you're not on a date with RuPaul. The word is highly charged in the trans community because of its hurtful use in the past, and even if your date uses it to describe themselves or others, chances are when you say the word, you'll sound awkward at best, or a like an insensitive jerk at worst.
2. If you mess up pronouns, apologize briefly and move on.
Everyone makes verbal gaffes. Quickly say you're sorry and keep the conversation flowing. People mess up names and pronouns of non-trans folks, too; our brains are not perfect, so don't make it a huge deal and draw more attention to it. Then, make a concerted effort to not mess up pronouns again. If you keep saying the wrong pronoun, though, consider that maybe you aren't ready to be on the date.
3. Do your own research beforehand.
How do you take the hormones? What types of surgery are available? What's this tight nylon shirt you're wearing? What does "non-op transsexual" mean? All these questions can be answered by the Internet, so don't treat your date like a private googling session (unless you're supergeeks and that's part of a fantasy scenario). Educating yourself on these topics will keep your curiosity from accidentally spilling all over your date, and it will also make conversation easier to follow on your end if he does mention things about his transition or past. However...
4. Don't bring up trans stuff too much.
With all your newfound knowledge, you might now be tempted to flaunt it, but don't. Play it cool. As a rule, think of it as a 3-to-1 ratio: you should only bring it up once for every three times your date does. Now, if your date is really, really into discussing social construction of gender, queer critical theory, trans politics, etc., then go for it; it's good to talk excitedly about topics that your date likes to talk excitedly about. But if he's not fixated on the topic, then you shouldn't be, either.
5. Don't tell anecdotes about other dates with trans men (or about your trans friends).
Some trans people like knowing that their date has been to the rodeo before, so to speak. Others think it's an immediate red flag that you're a fetishist. Mentioning it once casually in the proper context is OK, but don't instigate the story out of nowhere. Going on and on about your trans friend(s) is meaningless, too; we want to see your behaviors in action, not get a list of your personal references.
6. Don't ask us our birth names.
We went through a lot of trouble to train and educate our friends and families to switch to a new name, plus we probably paid court fees to do it legally. Your curiosity is normal, but the question itself puts us in an uncomfortable place of having to remember our past and talk about it with a near stranger who hasn't properly taken the time to get to know us in the present. It's also kind of a boner-killer to have someone gawking at how we don't look like a Heather anymore.
7. Do give flirty compliments.
Unless you have X-ray vision, the majority of what makes someone attractive to you is not what's between their legs or inside their pants. More likely it's things like the way they move across the room, a grin, how they hold a glass, a look in their eyes, the way they tell a story -- all characteristics that have no gender markers whatsoever. Talk about those things as turn-ons. Use gender-neutral adjectives ("sexy," "smoldering," "attractive," "compelling," "hot") and maybe throw in "cute," "adorable," or "handsome." Avoid adjectives that tend to be gendered in either direction -- too feminine and it can feel uncomfortable, but too masculine and it can sound like you're overcompensating. (The same goes for excessive dude-bro speak.)
Raymond is an instructor at Early to Bed, a feminist sex toy shop in Chicago. Women-owned and oriented, boy- and trans-friendly, the store has a relaxed atmosphere that is different from your average sex shop. Their brother site, Early to Rise, caters to men seeking sex toy advice and honest product reviews.
Consider the difficulty of dating as a trans person. Now imagine being on a date with a trans person. Personally, it would be a potentially awkward or uncomfortable adjustment and I would have to learn and relearn a lot of things that I picked up along the way. Articles like these are helpful glimpses into situations which are real and need to be talked about. Albeit it is written sexually suggestive, it is also about very intimate activities: dating, romance, and, yes, even sex (and sex is really only suggested mildly).
tl;dr Dating trans people is a foreign things for a lot of people, and it is a good things HuffPost is doing in giving insight into such a relatively new subject that is sure to become more and more visible as LGBT (mainly T) people become more mainstream.
Thanks HuffPost Gay Voices!
This is apparently aimed at, I'm guessing, gay men who want to "bed" a transman (although the image associated with it is of a woman).
Be his type (whatever that may be, different strokes for different trans folks).
Have a warm connection and an intellectual repoire with him.
Never make him feel, for even a fleeting moment, that you would give him any less respect or any less honor or dignity because he is a trans man (men are men, they all need to know they are admired and respected by their partner, they need to know they're needed, that they're powerful. Why would trans men be different? I think with girls like me it's implied that we wouldn't judge each other, so there's a certain sense of ease for both of us)
and people of all gender variances can identify as any sexuality so there really is no need to specifically mention that, is there? gender and sexuality are completely independent of each other. so in short.... yes, virginia, there are gay trans man and lesbian trans women.
A transman, or an FTM - is someone who, when they were born - their biological parts were identified as being biologically female. Than at some point in their lives they transition to becoming a man.
A transwoman, or an MTF - is someone who, when they were born - their biological parts were identified as being biologically male. Than at some point in their lives they transition to becoming a woman.
You are using the term "transexual men" incorrectly, since it seems that when you describe being "heterosexual before they transition to being women.." the correct term would actually be "trans woman". Using the word "transexual" is actually a bit outdated, and some people find it offensive.
Then again, if your intent is to bed a transman, chances are if he's on Testosterone, all you need to do is say "Hey, you wanna get it on?" Speaking from experience, that should pretty much do it.
Any tips for us transwomen who may want to find a nice transman? While predominately lesbian oriented I have had a crush or two on some transmen that I've met. I think dating another trans person would eliminate that whole awkward ritual of eventually explaining your past to them.
Someone who understood the trans- experience would be nice but I would never be attracted to someone for only that purpose. You need to have a lot more common interests than just that one thing.
I worked with a transman not too long ago who got engaged to a lesbian. They just clicked with each other. I should hope for something similar.