In an August 15, 2011, story for The Atlanta Post, "Unraveling the Black Adoption Myths in America," reporter H. Fields Grenee writes: "Adoption. At first glance it's just another word in the dictionary. But its power is vested in the weight of the word -- conjuring images of abandonment, cherished blessings, adamant secrecy and self discovery."
To whom, I wonder, is "adoption" just another word? And when exactly does the weight of the word come into play with its power of "conjuring up images of abandonment, cherished blessings, adamant secrecy and self discovery"? As an adoptee, I can tell you that the emotions described therein are neither conjured nor imagined -- they are real and they are heavy.
While there are certainly many feel-good stories about successful, long-awaited adoptions, as well as happy birth reunion stories, such as the recent story in which Facebook reunited a birth mother with the child she gave up 63 years ago, there tends to be little focus on the plain and often uneasy facts of adoption, particularly when race is involved.
To wit: Nobody talks about the exotification factor of interracial adoption -- particularly among white fathers and their brown-skinned or non-white daughters.
I have always been very close with my father. When I was growing up in the '80s and early '90s, my (white) dad, an artist and naturalist with a gallows sense of humor, was a guy who played basketball on Thursdays at the local high school gym, loved the hell out of my mom, spoke three languages (self-taught), and favored Johnny Cash, Bruce Springsteen, a cold Ballantine Ale and a terrycloth sports headband, which he constantly wore (in various colors) to hold down the giant swath of his thick red hair disproportionately swept to one side. Like a lot of youngest daughters (I have an older sister and brother), I absolutely adored my father. I should note that my father, while charismatic and enormously egotistical, is by no means Machiavellian or manipulative. He is, in fact, among the kindest, most brilliant and gentle human beings I know.
When I was 11 years old, I reunited with my birth mother who was, of course, battling her own demons and myths and realities around the adoption and subsequent reunion. She also became acutely aware of how close I was with my father almost right away. I was confused when she began to make open observations about our relationship and questioned my loyalty to him -- particularly as this was the man to whom she'd entrusted her child.
For speculative reasons I'll save for another time, over the course of a decade, my birth mother had gone from someone who had been described to me as a smart, funny, open-minded teenager to the 26-year-old I met: aloof (which I interpreted as confident), judgmental (to my mind: 'smartest person on the planet') and cavalier (my definition: sophisticated).
I was 19 years old when the news broke that Woody Allen had left Mia Farrow for her adopted Korean daughter Soon-Yi Previn in 1992. I didn't think too much of it, except "eeewwwww," like everyone else. My birth mother had a sharply different take. "Sound familiar?" she said with a sort of casual cruelty to me one afternoon. "Like how?" I asked. "You and (your father) are not all that different in your dynamic."
The shock of her insinuation, the shame I felt in the complicity she implied, the heinously unfair assessment of my father -- I was devastated. In one moment, the safety and ease I felt as my father's daughter changed forever.
Revisiting the memory, which feels less now like a memory and more like an old emotional injury that aches when it rains, puts into sharp relief the unasked questions surrounding the rampant adoption of the international Other, which is a popular trend among celebrities right now. Will people question Brad Pitt's relationship with Zahara when she gets older and turns into the gorgeous, statuesque young black woman she is sure to become? Is Woody Allen alone in his lust for a girl-child whom he didn't biologically father? Did he feel less like Previn's father because she is Korean? Think about it.
Adam Pertman, Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, and author of "Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming Our Families -- and America
http://www.transracialeyes.com/
Done, my conclusion is that Woody Allen is a creepy weirdo and your father is not. Turns out, somewhat sadly, that biological, adopted, step / fathers, mothers all have equal the chance of being a creepy weirdo.
When I was in graduate school, I took a course on family law. One of the cases (from guess which time period) had a judge determine that a white couple could not adopt a black child because it was unfair to the child to be raised by people different than it (pretty clearly a weak shroud over racism).
If you come to the conclusion that children of parents of a different race are somehow in danger, regardless of the way in which you come to that conclusion, you are agreeing with this racist judge from the south from the 50's (and who knows how many others). Think about it.
It seems to me that your birth mother is bitter and jealous. You have a great relationship with your father and she is jealous of that, so she wants to make you feel that its "dirty" She probably would not have said the same things if you were acting that way with your birth father.
Affection and love should not be something to be scared of. Things like this make men think that if they are close with their daughter and show her affection, they are going to be thought to have alternate motives. I love my Daddy and I'm affectionate with my Daddy, but that does not make him a predator.
The fact is we do not know because studies have not been conducted, despite my suggestion for more such post-adoption research to be done in my 1988 book, "shedding light on...The Dark Side of Adoption."
We know that adoption is a risk factor for suicide, but we do not know just how prevalent it is. We know that adoption increases emotional and identity problems and that adoptees are over-represented in all youth facilities and prisons. And some claim that more adopted persons have committed parenticide than would be expected from just 2 percent of the population. Yet we do not know for sure the actual statistics, and without such accurate data just keep promoting adoption and provide little post-adoption services. Instead, we continue to perpetuate the myth that a family formed by adoption is "the same as" a family formed biologically, instead of recognizing openly the the differences and the unique challenges of non-related families.
Post adoption studies, that are not funded by the industry that relies on the transfer of children to survive, are greatly lacking and much needed.
Mirah Riben, author, THE STORK MARKET: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
The fact is that non-white women are sexualized and exoticized in our society, especially Asian women.
Another FACT is that adoption (and foster care) bring together non blood-related persons living under the same roof increasing temptation and certainly access, not just for fathers but also for siblings.
We know that children in foster care are at greater risk for all kinds of abuse, including sexual abuse, in part because of this unnatural condition. Why would we not think there would be a higher incidence of sexual abuse among adoptive families than families in which all members are blood related and thus have a more inherently stronger taboo against incest? It stands to reason that adoptive families are at higher risk than families in which all members are blood related.
continued...
i thought, and still think (after reading it), that this is an onion article when i read the title.