"No man will ever love you," proclaimed my grandmother in what she considered her infinite wisdom. I was nine or ten -- old enough to know exactly what she was talking about, and young enough that I believed her. Thirty-five years later, undergoing the kind of therapy usually prescribed for veterans of war, I understood that she wasn't entirely right. As anyone who has been in therapy knows, right or wrong, it was not about a man's love for me, but my love for myself. How helpful. In reality, which I have noticed is different from therapy, my grandmother wasn't entirely wrong, either.
Growing up overweight, forced to diet early and listen to forecasts of my own spinsterhood, it took me years -- years -- to say the word "fat." So you can imagine the complete shift in perspective it took for me to say the words "fat sex."
It's said that nearly 70 percent of Americans are overweight or obese, and we know that a large number of these fat folks feel shame and humiliation about their size. According to one survey, 25 percent of American women think about food every half hour. But you know what they think about almost as often as food (and, I would argue, fat)? Sex. Recent research shows men think about sex 10 times a day, and we know women think about sex almost as much as men. If there are two things humans have on their minds, it's fat and sex.
That's not to say that the two have an easy relationship. There is both subtle and overt hostility toward the idea of fat sexuality in our culture, but that's because there is both subtle and overt hostility toward fat in just about every arena of life. There is a war against it, after all. It's implied that if we lose that war, terrorists win. It is not clear who the terrorists are in this case, there seem to be many cells: the Happy Meal; high fructose corn syrup; school lunches; overwork; under-work; recess; television; the internet; video games; eating disorders; poverty; urban sprawl. And of course, the lazy fat slobs who won't just put down the chicken wings and get off their giant arses. Whoever they are.
And since fat is seen as so threatening and gross, another idea floating in the ether is that no fat person would -- or should -- feel good about exposing her body to another person in sex.
Have you noticed that on television and in the movies, any time a fat person gets into a sexual relationship, the primary storyline is about the emotional conflict of whether their partner actually finds them attractive and the angst around taking off their clothes? I recall vividly a scene in "The Practice" between Camryn Manheim's character and her would-be tall, thin, handsome lover, where she expressed her trepidation about sex with him because of her body, and his exclaiming "don't you think I find you attractive?" She broke down in tears -- or maybe she didn't, but in my storyline tears came next -- and he swept her off her feet -- figuratively (she was heavy). But on a show where she was otherwise portrayed as a strong, independent lawyer, with self-confidence to spare, when it came to getting naked and being touched, she was suddenly unsure of herself, uncertain that the man she had been dating found her sexually attractive. It's preposterous. It's also probably widely accurate. Sadly, I relate.
At around the age of fifteen, during a time in history in between girdles and Spanx, I wore a bathing suit under my dress. The first time I seriously made out with a boy, (park bench, East Village, way past curfew -- you know who you are), he asked me if I was going swimming. A perfectly reasonable question, considering. I heard, "You're fat." Two of us girls had a thing for him, and he had picked me, and it didn't occur to me that, fat or not, if he picked me, I was the one he wanted.
But really, how could I know?
Given how repellent Americans apparently believe fat people to be, it might come as a surprise that people living in America are, well, doing them. And it's not just innocent individuals who happen to marry someone who "lets him- or herself go" after the wedding and thus find themselves condemned to a life of sex with a fatso. Actually, secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, a lot of people desire sex with the not-so-svelte. The most powerful evidence of this is the sex industry. No one knows how many sexually related internet sites there are, (estimates range from one percent to 85 percent of the internet contains sexually explicit material), and no one knows how many sexually related internet sites there are that feature large woman BBWs (Big Beautiful Women) and SSBBWs (Super-Sized Big Beautiful Women), but based on the hundreds of results that came up in my several tests searches of several different sites, a safe estimate is a lot.
I assume (though I have no evidence for this) that the sex people have had with fat people has given rise to the urban legend that fat women are better in bed. As stereotypes about fat people go, it's one of the more flattering ones, so I choose to believe it. It's one of the things I tell myself in the process of un-brainwashing myself after the number my grandmother did on me. I still struggle with it every day. But humans are resilient, and sex is a powerful motivator.
So how is it going for me? Let's just say I never let my size get in the way of what I want to accomplish. I am dating someone now. He's smart, handsome, sexy, and he tells me I'm hot. I don't know if he thinks fat women are better in bed, but he doesn't seem to have any complaints about me.
Caryn Franklin: How Women Are Getting Media Smart in More Ways Than One
Kenneth L. Weiner, M.D., FAED, CEDS: The Truth Behind Common Eating Disorder Myths
Fat people dont care what you think about their bodies or their health. If you dont think fat people have tried dieting, exercising, whatever, you simply dont get it, because they live a life where they are constantly barraged with how fat and ugly they are. I feel sorry for people who feel its ok to comment on the body structure of other people. It is like people who are against gay marriage because really, theyre against butt sex, but for real, the kind of sex consensual adults are having is none of your business.
I didnt interpret this article as asking for an opinion about why people are fat but took it as a journey to how Weinstein learned to love her body. There are a lot of haters on here that dont even understand how they are hating. It's depressing.
Exactly what do they hope to accomplish? Will someone who is fatter than them vastly improve their life by hiding away in shame, crunching raw celery and denying themselves any happiness? They know that food is consumed to feel better, so don't they realize that not consuming enough food can actually negatively impact someone's state of mind?
So while critics are busy shaming people for being fat, they are doing two things: trying to make someone who would have to already face negative moods in order to cut back the calorie consumption feel even worse before they even start, and trying to make sure someone who might want to exercise feel too ashamed to appear in public to exercise.
If they were as honest with themselves as they claim fat people need to be, they'd realize it's about feeling superior, not about making a positive impact on someone else's life because the "reality check" is actually sabotage. Is it any wonder that weight comments make people defensive?
I am not fat. But I know that every fat person out there who has managed to love themselves and find happiness could teach me a thing or two and make a positive impact on my life. They deserve every bit of happiness that comes their way.
... get OFF THE BENCH KKHoney pie!! Forget your mothers harping. Put on your makeup,stay clean,healthy, get out there and adopt a positive attitude and when you least expect it...it will happen. At 34 you still have plenty of life to live so share that big beautiful love you have with someone.... the first few may not be your hearts desire but have fun while culling through them until you find 'the ONE'....you won't regret it.
Just to let you know... I thought you were beautiful in High School. You looked like Elizabeth Taylor and always had the best lipstick. We all thought you were pretty. You seemed so sophisticated . I found you a bit intimidating, so I never talked to you. It's a pity what you thought of yourself and what we thought of you was so different. Now look at you, author, successful business woman and over achiever. I'm so happy to see you putting this together and will contribute to your project.
All the best,
Chris Stefano
Chris Stefano
:-) Rebecca
So to say that ANY of these men are somehow a "less than" man is just insulting in every way and shows how the commenter suffers from a serious inferiority complex.
It took me years to get here, but at the age of 41, I can say that I finally feel beautiful and am happy in my own skin. God bless you Rebecca and I wish you the best in your endeavors!
I would have to say, Rebecca, that I support your desire to bring out an issue that needs to be talked about. For some reason, prejudice against bigger people is the last acceptable prejudice left...at least in the U.S. I've been reading many of these comments and am just floored at the obvious hatred that some people have for bigger people. Everyone has a different story about why they are where they are in their lives. I don't care what size you are.... every person has some kind of trial or struggle. EVERYONE is dealing with something difficult because that is the way life is. Can't we work on spreading a little kindness instead of spreading so much hate?
I do want to clear up one misconception brought up by a few men. The men who like or prefer bigger women are not, in ANY way, a "less than" man. I have been on dating websites for men that like bigger women and in a little over a year's time, I enjoyed the compliments of hundreds of men. I have dated a few of them and can honestly say that some of these men are the kind of men that thousands of women of any size would give their right arm to go out with! Models to bodybuilders to intellectuals (and for various reasons, usually distance, they didn't work out).
Rebecca