Note: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 13 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Game of Scones."
After six nonsensical filler episodes, Brandi and Adrienne were finally Restylane to Botox tonight, facing off at Lisa's tea party. It was not the same level of craziness as last year's -- probably because no one was accusing a Beverly Hills househusband of domestic violence.
The ladies gathered at Vanderpump Manor to eat crustless sandwiches and sip any beverage other than tea, all awaiting the moment when Adrienne and Brandi would discuss the much-whispered about impending lawsuit that has hijacked the entire season. First of all, what the heck kind of garden art is in Lisa's backyard? Did you see the statue of two intertwined angelic figures slapped against a piece of plywood and floating above Lisa's head all episode?!
Second of all, Adrienne totally reneged on this season's entire central conflict and claimed she was not suing Brandi nor sent her a lawyer's letter! WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! Somebody's lying. And I think it's probably both of them but mostly Adrienne.
Each week, the ladies and their constant fighting remind me more and more of high school mean girls on crack/cocaine. So this week, I decided to award each lady with a coveted spot on a customized "RHOBH" high school yearbook poll.
Most Popular: Lisa
Lisa seemed to be in most of the girls' good graces this week. She and Kyle made quasi-amends after their Vegas trip, and Camille came to her home with a peace-offering, which Madame Vanderpump happily accepted.
Least Popular: Adrienne
Adrienne has more people against her than with her at this point. While Kyle and Camille were defending her at the party, Brandi and Taylor were not having it. Lisa was merely tolerating Adrienne's presence at the tea table and Yolanda thinks Ms. Maloof is a joke.
Most [Shit] Talkative: Taylor
Taylor stirred the tea pot. Though she was slurring and I was having difficulty understanding her, she made it clear that she's still mad that Kyle kicked her out of last year's "White Party" after her now-deceased abusive husband threatened to sue Camille. So she was just instigating and waiting for the women to go at each other, eager to point out the hypocrisy of Adrienne now threatening to sue Brandi.
Best Dressed: Brandi
I really couldn't figure out why Brandi looked so great at Lisa's party and then it finally dawned on me -- it looked like she was wearing a bra! And her dress was a heavier fabric and looser than the skin-tight outfits of scenes past. Success!
Worst Dressed: Faye, always.
For some awful reason, Faye Resnick returned this episode and basically crashed Lisa's tea party. Seriously -- who crashes a tea party?! Lucky for us, she was only shown reapplying her icky lipgloss and petting her own hair. Please Bravo, keep her away!
Most Likely To Cheat On Her Husband: Marisa
Marisa seems troubled and grumpy in every scene. Tonight, she proclaimed that she was simply articulating what every "bitch is thinking": that she'd like to have sex with a different man other than her husband of 16 years. Okay, there are very few people who would articulate such a thought on national television.
Most Likely To Become A Terrible Advice Columnist or Life Coach: Yolanda
Yolanda could not make it to tea, but Brandi did stop by the horse stables for a quick chat with our lemon-obsessed Dutch princess. Yolanda lamented that she'd like more money to buy her daughter Bella more horses. You see, Yolanda feels inadequate because all the other people at the stables have two or three horses, but her baby Bella only has one. The injustice! Yes, more money is exactly what Yolanda needs. A lemon orchard, Malibu mansion, a horse, and a vast repertoire of Hermes belts are clearly not enough.
Yolanda also spoke some serious truth about Adrienne and offered Brandi some sage advice. She said, "If [Adrienne] had balls and she felt strongly about her conviction, she would pick up the phone and talk to you and say, 'Listen women! I don't like this, this and that!' But instead she calls a lawyer, and you know why? Because she can and she has the money to do so. Because you know $10,000 doesn't maybe mean anything to her ... Who is Adrienne Maloof in this world? In the big picture, she is nobody."
Okay, I really think the woman is right here. I realize that Yolanda is an alien and disliked by viewers for completely legitimate reasons, but I spent hours reading her personal blog on Friday and watching her wedding video, and highly recommend it. Oh and there are romance horoscopes, and I'm pretty sure she authors them.
Least Cute Couple: Kim and her new dog
Kim couldn't make it to Lisa's either because her dog hit her in the face just after she got a nose job. I really can't say more on the topic because it's just that idiotic.
Best One-Liner: Taylor
"Every once in a while when I decide to speak my mind, and you throw in a bottle of rosé, you're not always going to get what you want." A bottle, Taylor?? You weigh 45 pounds! Ease off, lady!
Most Likely To Succeed: Brandi
Adrienne -- it's over. She looked like she was lying and why she thinks that saying things like "shame on you," "you're mean," and "you care so much about my life" help her sound more genuine is just beyond me. There's another person who shared the same logic as Adrienne, and things didn't work out so well for her.
What did you think of tonight's episode? Do you believe Adrienne or Brandi? Do you agree with the poll above? Sound off in the comments below.
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on Bravo.