Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 11 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Stars and Strips."
Welcome back, "RHOBH" fans! It feels like months passed between last week's dreary art gallery episode and this week's sunny Vegas trip. And I am just thrilled about it.
"Stars and Strips," which I really wish was titled "Lemons, Lemons Everywhere" (but let's hope for that in the future), was filled with the kind of "Real Housewives" moments I have come to love -- totally absurd name-dropping, plastic surgery consultations, Camille's embarrassing revelations about Kelsey Grammer's disaster of a sex drive, ruminations about privileged women's disturbingly male-centric views of feminism, sex for fashion endorsements, and an over-bearing mother. The episode also lacked some elements -- like Taylor and Adrienne.
I ruffled some commenters' feathers last week with my thoughts on Taylor and Adrienne -- and I do understand that both of these housewives have fans who admire them for legitimate reasons. Just to clarify -- it's not really personal with Adrienne. I enjoyed her until I realized she was capable of bringing about a lawsuit that could so drastically impact the show. And it's totally personal with Taylor. She's going through some serious trauma and it's not entertaining, it's really sad. And she just looks so hungry.
Anyhoods -- the episode opened with Yolanda, who was making lunch for Kyle, Lisa and Suzanne Somers. Kyle and Lisa sat down for lunch to listen to Suzanne rave about Yolanda and name-drop both Andrea Bocelli and Muhammad Ali within a matter of seconds! This scene has been teased all season long and I was genuinely surprised by how short it was -- but I loved that Kyle said Suzanne Somers knows how to live forever by taking the right vitamins. So I guess it worked?
Kyle hosted a sixth grade graduation party for her daughter Sophia. I didn't know completing the sixth grade was a bigger milestone than finishing any other grade, but it didn't really matter since Kyle needed barely any excuse to make people sit in her lilac dining room with metallic taffeta curtains that look like repurposed bridesmaids dresses from the late 1970s. Faye showed up first, followed by the Maloofs, so it was basically the worst party ever and I just felt bad for Sophia.
Meanwhile, Kim was experiencing "all these changes inside [her] body," which somehow led her to wanting a nose job. Tuns out that Kim went to a plastic surgery consultation the way one might approach a haircut appointment. She just wanted something done! The doctor vetoed doing a face lift or her eyes, but did say she was a candidate for some good ol' rhinoplasty. So Kim decided to get a nose job the way one might decide to get layers or highlights.
Then we watched Marisa and her mom argue about clothes. I liked Marisa's mom instantly because she was doing her daughter a real solid by saying that her clothes were ugly. "You don't like anything cool," Marisa lamented.
Her mom countered that she's had the same style and haircut for 30 years, but it's worked for her. And you know who had the same approach to personal style, Marisa? Jackie O. So listen to your mom and get your wardrobe straightened out. Nice jewelry, though!
Meanwhile, Yolanda was working on her greater goal: looking appealing to potential cookbook publishers and HGTV executives who could give her a spin-off cooking show. She was also preparing dinner for her creepy husband David Foster. Her lemons were in full effect -- squeezed over the food, on the side, and as a centerpiece on the table. And here Yolanda offered what I can only describe as her most honest moment yet. She said:
Let's get it straight. Men love beautiful women and beautiful women love rich men. Still fuck your husband for a Chanel bag. There's temptation everywhere. A woman can get hit on in a grocery store. A guy walks on Sunset Plaza and there's beautiful women [strolling] up and down. But if you've really found your true love, it should be easy.
I translated this to: A successful relationship occurs when a woman is with a man who finds her as attractive as she finds him rich. But then Yolanda continued, "I absolutely cater to my husband's needs and I love doing it. My husband is king in my house and I think that's the way it should be. That's what keeps two people together."
So now the translation is a bit more nuanced: A successful relationship occurs when a woman is with a man who finds her as attractive as she finds him rich -- and then she spends his money to look a certain way, act a certain way, and hire enough people to do the things he didn't even know he wanted done. And sometimes she'll whimsically sit on the kitchen counter and enjoy a glass of white wine with ya!
While Yolanda watched her husband eat chicken, Brandi, Kyle, Lisa and others dined in Vegas -- AND THERE WAS NO ROSÉ. I'm sure Lisa was devastated but well-prepared for the situation as she is fully aware that life can't always be diamonds and rosé (though it should be).
Was it just me or did Marisa seem like she was in a horrendous mood the entire Vegas trip? I'm not sure I really care, but I couldn't help but notice her harsh facial expressions! It was nice to see the other ladies just joking and getting along during dinner since every food-related gathering this season has felt like forced fighting rounds.
Brandi and Kyle also made pseudo-amends in that they agreed they don't want to fight "strong women," which I think means they bonded over the fact that they prefer to prey on weak women. And then Lisa threw a curve-ball.
Turns out Madame Vanderpump hates the word vagina. Fine. But she PREFERS the words "pussy or peachy." I didn't imagine Lisa as a pro-pussy person, but apparently she is! And is peachy from across the pond or something? Discuss.
As the ladies ate shrimp cocktail, Kim had another consultation with her plastic surgeon, who I feel certain is a robot. Actually, he is most-definitely a robot. Yolanda showed up at the pool in Vegas wearing what I think was a one-piece bathing suit but what my better judgement told me was a white bra with an affixed dream catcher. She was there for roughly 3 seconds before she insulted the women for eating solids and urged them to drink liquid vegetables for breakfast instead. Yolanda, we wouldn't get alone for so many reasons but your disdain for solid food is really starting to enrage me.
The episode ended with Brandi kicking off her female empowerment by way of striptease class. "Have fun because life is short," Brandi said to great applause. "You can never be wrong if you're speaking the truth," she later said in her confessional.
Unless, of course, you say "a truth" about the Maloofs while filming a Bravo reality show. Except for that one, tiny, inconsequential, I'm not even mad about it, but I'm still so mad Bravo edited it out, moment -- Brandi's totally right -- you can never be wrong when you speak the truth.
So, what did you think of the episode? Did you enjoy these feud-free moments or were you bored? What did you think of Brandi's pole dancing skills? Sound off in the comments below.
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on Bravo.