Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 7 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Oy, Faye!"
While Bravo shook up the third season of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" with an epic, profanity-laced scream-fest last week, it seems as though the series returned to its previously sleepy ways. This is probably because Brandi's "bombshell" was still edited out of the entire show. Seriously, Bravo? You pull this with not one, but two episodes? I do not appreciate it.
Viewers returned to Brandi's war with Adrienne and Paul Maloof at Mauricio's windy rooftop party. We were reminded of Adrienne's whole Brandi "slept till 3:00 p.m. and left [her] kids alone" accusation, and witnessed a drawn out version of the Maloofs exiting the party.
After they left, the housewives avec Camille, but sans Lisa and Yolanda, were left to ride that drama wave for as long as possible. Kyle immediately started arguing with Kim about her decision to tell the Maloofs, while Taylor looked like she wanted to vomit -- admitting that Paul screaming in Brandi's face made her uncomfortable.
After yelling at her sister for causing such a raucous, Kyle then started picking fights with everyone, thereby extending the original conflict and attempting to insert herself as the central character, so the fight would revolve around her.
Kyle shot Taylor down when the domestic violence survivor said she felt uncomfortable that Paul was up in Brandi's face. "This is not about you, Taylor," a sassy and mean-spirited Kyle said in her confessional. This strikes me as, well, just not the right response. At all. Ever. And it seems like what Kyle really meant to say was, "This is about me, got it?"
Then Taylor, without explicitly saying so, compared the situation between Brandi dropping a bombshell about Adrienne, to Camille's whole "that's not cool" rant in Season 2 about Taylor's now-deceased abusive husband.
During her confessional, Camille pointed out what she called the "big difference" between Adrienne and Taylor. She said that Taylor basically blabbed freely about her situation, whereas Adrienne never blabbed about whatever it is that we don't know yet (possibly Adrienne using a surrogate if the rumors are true). Then, Camille made some really awkward hand gesture to drive her point home, but it actually looked like she was milking a cow.
Kyle went to have lunch with her friend Faye, the woman famous for taking on the electronic cigarette-smoking ghost whisperer Allison Dubois in the Season 1 episode, "Dinner Party From Hell." She's also known for testifying against O.J. Simpson and later posing nude for Playboy.
We learned that Faye is not a Brandi fan, and then viewers had to sit through yet another scene where the cast members talked about that thing we don't know because the network continued to edit it out of every conversation. I really don't see why Faye is ever on this show, but Kyle said she's hosting a dinner party on Friday, and invited her to attend.
Then, Yolanda returned! But we had to watch her work out, which I found to be a downright terrifying experience. I really could have used some easing into this scene of the alien that is Yolanda sprinting up her palatial staircase like a madwoman, doing better push ups than Michelle Obama and just generally being a freak of a workout fiend with her trainer, Dr. Dale. Yes, Dr. Dale, who was staring at her bod as she dipped, and bended, and jumped, and stretched and yelled out in debatably pretend anguish, "You're so mean!" I'm getting stressed out just writing about this. But she kept going, and started doing these strange pulsating squat-type-things with her arms stretched out in front of her.
Then we were privileged to some more useless Yolanda-isms. She's already told us that there's nothing worse than a drunk woman. This week, she told us that she believed "exercise is the fountain of youth."
"I'm always riding horses, biking. Like last week, I swam two miles every day -- I thought I was part of the Olympics," she said with a laugh.
I'm shaking my head in disbelief right now.
But Yolanda continued on about how she saw her model daughter walk the runway and her butt and legs were "so tight"; and how she really wants to be married to her husband David Foster for longer than his previous three marriages so she needs "to keep [her] ass tight."
I really don't know how to address the insanity that was Yolanda working out and sharing her mind-numbing, painful thoughts about life, fitness, fountains and youth -- but I do feel like I have whiplash.
Meanwhile, Brandi was at Lisa's home and said she's felt so anxious about her feud with Adrienne that she's been picking her face. Lisa gasped in horror. "Leave your face alone!" she cried.
After, we had to sit through what felt like the millionth conversation about the thing Brandi said that we don't really know about.
Here's Brandi's version of the whole fight:
Kim told Adrienne and Paul ... But I didn't even know they were there yet. I saw them from a far and thought they were having an argument. And then, all of a sudden, he comes walking -- I'm sitting in a chair this whole time -- and he's like, 'You bitch, you bitch'; and I'm like -- he was this close to my face [insert thumb and index finger gesture depicting a small space here] -- and screaming -- and he's like, 'Bitch, bitch, bitch'; and she's screaming.
I have to give Brandi credit -- this was a fairly accurate description. She just forgot to mention her own comments, like when she called Paul "baby." That was weird.
And then I blinked and Lisa and Brandi were outside with Ken -- chipper as ever -- who was puttering around the garden in a straw hat. Brandi gave him a hug and then Ken just dropped trou to show off his hip replacement scar. WTF, KEN?!
"Ken we don't want to see that," Lisa scolded. "Ken's a superhero!" Brandi cheered. And then they went inside and Ken pulled up his pants.
So we finally reached Friday (not to imply that there's any sort of logical timeline to this show, but Kyle said her party was happening on a Friday). Adrienne, Kim and Yolanda were absent (our resident workout warrior was at Donna Summers' funeral).
Kyle toasted to Faye for decorating her dining room, the near-completion of which Kyle used as an excuse to gather the housewives. Besides the flowers at the center of the table that looked Vanderpump-esque, the room was drab.
"It is so you, in every way," Faye said. I found the remark insulting to Kyle, considering my aforementioned opinion of said dining room.
Within moments, Brandi was asked to rehash the entire feud between her and Adrienne. Faye prepared to pounce. And after Brandi said that Adrienne "might have bought a book deal," Faye interjected.
"I'm not going to get into it with you, because I don't know you that well. But [Adrienne's] been horrible to me, and that's just what it is," Brandi said.
Then Lisa and Kyle started bickering at one another after the women suggested Brandi send Adrienne flowers to apologize. Brandi refused.
Then Faye just ended the whole conversation by saying, "Forget the flowers; send her an orchid." I have no idea if Faye was serious or trying to be funny. It could go either way because I really do think Faye might not know that orchids are also flowers. Again, why is she on this show?
Part of me feels certain that Faye was brought in so the series could have a "Dinner Party From Hell: Part Deux," but it all just fell completely flat -- probably because we have no idea what Brandi said about Adrienne.
Faye continued to provoke Brandi, so she just got up and left the table. And I'm not sure why but Kyle uttered a very dramatic "Shit!" and then the episode ended.
Where do you think we'll go from here? What do you think about the fact that we still don't know for sure what Brandi said about Adrienne? Did I leave anything out? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on Bravo.