Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 8 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Vanderpump Rules."
Welcome back, "RHOBH" fans! We had two weeks off from these Beverly Hills women and the wacky lives they lead. Did you miss them? I did! Well, some of them.
Episode 7 picked up right where we left off--in Kyle's ugly dining room. In fact, Faye's face was first to appear on screen and a desperate "UGH" escaped from my lips immediately. I did not miss Faye.
So Kyle's "Let's Pretend To Celebrate My Drab Dining Room But Hope A Fight Breaks Out" dinner party continued. But Brandi left the table since Faye continuously attacked her like a stoned Chihuahua.
As Kyle ran after Brandi, the women at the table continued talking about Brandi and Adrienne's fight--OF WHICH THE AUDIENCE STILL DOESN'T KNOW THE TOPIC NOW 8 EPISODES INTO THE SEASON. And "RHOBH" newbie Marisa actually used the phrase "meeting of the minds" to describe a hypothetical get together between Brandi and Adrienne. Never thought I'd hear that phrase uttered on this show.
So then Kyle chased Brandi down a dark street, which made Kyle look desperate. I'm okay with that. I think Kyle is desperate. When she caught up with Brandi and sat beside her on the curb, Brandi hid her face from the camera as she made crying noises. I write "crying noises" here because I'm not entirely sure Brandi was actually crying -- I think she was just making the applicable sounds. I don't want to say that she was pretending to cry because I'm not entirely sure, but I think she was ... well, embellishing. Or pretending.
But thank goodness the dinner party ended and a new day dawned in Beverly Hills. Taylor appeared in her confessional and said that Kyle's dinner party was draining and that she had "so much going on in [her] life" -- like having a medium over to read her energy, give her a rock, spritz unidentified liquid throughout her home, and awkwardly convulse in her foyer.
Taylor said that Alisha, a clairvoyant/medium, contacted her through a friend because she wanted to share things. Taylor also said that Alisha was apparently distantly associated with Oprah. I will tell you right now that Alisha is probably not distantly associated with Oprah -- just an educated guess.
Taylor had one question for her medium: will her $1.5 million lawsuit get settled? Taylor revealed that she was getting sued for that amount, and that Russell was supposed to leave her a $14 million trust, but it was basically empty.
Taylor's question caused Alisha to go through a series of rapid neck-jerking and shoulder-turning movements that were honestly frightening. She then concluded that Taylor's lawsuit will get settled and she will feel "so relieved" and "so happy." Taylor, did a medium really have to tell you that?
Meanwhile, Kyle and newbie Marisa got together for the least productive private yoga session ever. Kyle tried to make her boring failure of a dinner party sound interesting, as Marisa said that she liked Brandi but found Camille and Taylor cold because they didn't "engage" her. Looks like Marisa and her impending cattiness will fit in quite nicely with this lot.
Then Brandi and Lisa went shopping. And because the whole scene was dull and about Brandi's confrontation with Scheana, the woman Brandi's now ex-husband had an affair with before he left Brandi for LeAnn Rimes, let's just discuss Lisa's decision to wear a bumblebee yellow dress with enormous gold earrings. I commend Lisa for her colorful wardrobe -- I truly think she looks wonderful in emerald green and fuchsia -- and I really want to like this ensemble. But I don't think I can.
Then audiences visited Taylor, who was back in her kitchen packing her daughter's lunchbox when her lawyer called. Did anyone else notice the bizarre tray of two tarts and two chocolate cake slices on Taylor's counter? Odd.
Taylor's lawyer called to tell her that whoever was suing her wanted to settle and wanted her 10-karat wedding ring and 2 Hermes bags. I had many reactions to this disturbing scene:
First I wondered if those pastries on the counter were real or decorative. Then I wondered if $1.5 million lawsuits were really settled by way of jewelry and Hermes bags. I don't know much about the legal profession but can they really take her purses? And finally I wondered why Taylor continued being on this show after her husband died.
Here was a woman, whose abusive husband committed suicide fairly recently, navigating her way through the devastating aftermath of her former partner's financial ruin while appearing on reality TV. And it just made me even more sad about her whole situation and whatever reason she had for keeping with this show -- whether it was the need for money or desire for a faux celebrity status, some combination of the two, or something else entirely. It just doesn't seem right to watch her go through all of this.
But right when I was served with a sober dose of reality, Yolanda appeared on screen with more wonderful insights into life. I think the best way to present this week's Yolanda-isms is by simply listing them. So may I present what I hope will be a recurring list:
Yolanda's "Facts Of Life"
1) On eating dinner: "I think dinner time is the most important time of the day. It's a time where you check in with the kids. It's the time where you keep the family engaged and close."
I love how none of reasons have to do with actually eating any kind of food.
2) On children: "If you're not going to be raising your kids, you shouldn't have any kids." Okay, I see your logic here.
3) On gender roles: "Volleyball is a very masculine sport. Modeling is a very feminine thing." I disagree.
4) On female volleyball players: "[Their] bodies are big and bulky and I mean, they eat like men." Oh man.
5) On her daughter frequently wearing a Lakers jersey as a child: "I thought that my daughter was lesbian." Oy vey.
6) On buying a child a horse: "Giving your child a horse -- it really teaches them how to become a responsible human being." I need a take a deep breath right now. I'm pretty sure parents use the whole "teach responsibility" spiel when they get their children a fish, not a horse. Or when they ask their kids to take out the trash or wash the dishes. A horse?! You're killing me, Yolanda.
7) On inflation: "Owning a horse these days are real expensive." Was it previously cheap?
8) On maintenance: "There is the trainer, there is the chiropractor, the masseuse, the special medicine, the holistic guy, the vitamin packs--you know it doesn't stop!" Are you talking about a horse or yourself? I'm pretty sure Yolanda has most of the items on that list.
During the final ten minutes of the episode, viewers entered a Bravo twilight zone, as the show slowly shifted from "RHOBH" to "Vanderpump Rules," Lisa's spin-off show about her new restaurant, Sur. And it was brilliant.
Since Brandi and Scheana continued to run into one another (because Scheana works at Sur), Lisa said that Scheana said that she wanted to apologize to Brandi for banging her ex. Leading up to this moment, I felt certain that this was a highly unsuccessful and uninteresting subplot. I did not care at all to see these two talk about Eddie, and to be honest, I don't even know what Eddie looks likes (the only Eddie in my life is Eddie Redmayne--"A heart full of loveeee"--apologies, I digressed).
But, when Scheana started turning the knife and giving braless Brandi more details about the affair, I was VERY interested. Scheana, who has the worst manicure on the planet, basically told Brandi, "We went on trips; he moved me into my apartment; he met my mom; I have texts from his BFF Scotty, too!" And at one point it looked like Brandi was actually shocked, and it was pretty awful to see her break down the way she did.
But as Brandi dried her eyes and made amends, the episode followed Scheana from one end of the restauarant into another. The music changed from impending doom to mildly upbeat, new characters appeared and suddenly I was watching the premiere of "Vanderpump Rules." And I stuck with it for a while--until I heard the phrase, "Less call girl, more porn star," and then I had to turn it off immediately.
So where do we go from here? Did I miss anything ? What did you think of Taylor's situation, or of Lisa's spin-off show? Sound off in the comments below!
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on Bravo.