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'Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills' Reunion Recap: Tears, Tantrums And Turtles

Posted: 04/02/2013 1:23 am

Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 21 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Reunion Part II."

Well folks, we've finally made it. This second part of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" reunion was a serious event that was way more interesting than the first installment. The best thing about the reunion was that Marisa and Faye were not on it at all! And as an optimist, I imagine this means that they will not be on the series next season. It was almost strange that Marisa was not a part of the reunion -- especially since she played such a big part in the season finale and I like watching Yolanda yell at her. But oh well, no loss here.

We started "Reunion Part II" right where we left off -- with Kim and Kyle yelling at Yolanda that she called Lisa "full of s***" at the airport in Paris. After a few rounds of Lisa eloquently saying how much she despises Kyle, Andy shifted the conversation to discussing Adrienne in what felt like way too much detail for a woman who didn't even bother to show up for the damn reunion show.

Andy said, "It seemed like their bickering was always just the way that they communicated ... I was just so surprised that they of all people ended up splitting up."

Okay, really Andy? Really? There is no way you or any intelligent individual watching those two in the world's worst marriage thought that their bickering was somehow indicative of a stable relationship. How could anyone be surprised that the Maloof-hoofs -- who couldn't even agree on vacating their home with a raging fire next door -- broke up?

Andy went through Adrienne's whole sad tabloid tale: she accused Paul of physically abusing her, she's reportedly dating Rod Stewart's 30-something year old son, etc. Of course, we all had to stop and listen to Kyle who so condescendingly said that she's known Rod's son "like -- forever [insert self-satisfying smile and holier-than-thou eye glance here]."

Then, as if I wasn't bored enough by talking about a woman who wasn't even on set, Bravo aired a whole highlight reel of Kim and Kyle's awful and simply infuriating relationship. Kim and Kyle's issues are not entertaining, goofy, or comically absurd. I can't enjoy watching what happens to child stars who remain children their whole lives proclaim their obsessions for turtles or fishy faces. Their relationship is not dysfunctional/hilarious. It's dysfunctional/annoying.

Kim sat on the couch and stressed that she really does remember everything this year even though she acts like she's completely off her rocker. Then she went off on Yolanda for suggesting otherwise earlier in the reunion.

Kim clarified that she mixed up her medications in Paris (and my original question from that episode remains: doesn't that mean she broke her sobriety?) when all of a sudden Brandi snapped at Kim and told her to stop attacking Yolanda because the Dutch princess carried her pillow through the Paris airport that had a smelly s***-stain on it.

Okay. WHAT?! My favorite part of this entire exchange was that Kim didn't deny the s***-stained pillow allegation. She simply responded, "Now was that necessary, Brandi?" And then Kyle asked in her most annoying voice, "What are you talking about?" And Brandi just kept on going, saying there was a s***-stain on Kim's pillow and that Yolanda carried it for her and all I'm wondering right now is if Kim or Yolanda got a serious case of conjunctivitis from the situation.

Then Kim said that Brandi is a "mean, naughty little girl" for interrupting the conversation between Yolanda and Kim with the s***-stained pillow admission. Things I wish I could unhear: Kim Richards saying the words "naughty little girl." Ew. Ew. Ew.

Then Brandi said that she thinks Kyle wants Kim to fail in her sobriety and went so far as to say that it would actually make Kyle happy if that were to happen. Taylor gasped in horror (forgot she was there) and Kyle started crying (ugh) and told Brandi that was the meanest thing she's EVER said and that she PRAYS TO GOD EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for her sister to be sober. I'm not so sure if this was really Brandi's cruelest moment, because the biggest fight between Kim, Kyle and Brandi was definitely the infamous "slut-pig," "crystal meth in the bathroom" feud and I'm not sure Brandi's comments just now rivaled that season 2 brawl.

I understand where Brandi was coming from, though found her comments way too harsh. Kyle plays both sides of the coin by acting like Kim's greatest critic and defender on the show. Kyle has not only repeatedly criticized some of Kim's odd behavior on camera, she's also totally exploited her sister's situation by staging all of her dramatic moments on the show around a teary conversation with Kim about all of her drinking issues. So it's not totally unreasonable to think that Kyle relationship with her sister's sobriety is a little f***** up.

To "lighten things up," Bravo played a highlight reel about how fun and silly life in Beverly Hills can be. It was dumb and annoying. Then we had to listen to Yolanda say that she lives on a budget, while she also said that she would rather stay home than fly coach anywhere. Then there was this whole bit where Andy handed all the ladies' their personalized T-shirts from shopbyBravo.com and threw Adrienne's over his shoulder like he just didn't care.

Paul appeared in a sad, dimly lit farewell video, which was the weirdest thing ever because I was almost certain he was reading off cue cards. He said super generic things like "this season was hard" and "I don't blame Brandi for my divorce." It was pretty pathetic. Mauricio dropped this awkward line that I'm pretty sure he butchered about how fish gets caught with their mouth open so he tries to keep his shut. But we all remember how he screamed at Brandi at the Moroccan restaurant, so ... so much for that.

Mauricio and Lisa argued about whether he cozied up to the Maloof-hoofs just to sell their home (an accusation Mauricio denies) and by this point I was just really tired of listening to him yelling at housewives. Kyle and Mauricio's trajectory on this show is disappointing. They started as a genuinely entertaining couple, but are now so desperate for the spotlight and for creating dramatic moments of which they can be the center, whenever they're not showing off their fancy cars. Please bring back the Kyle who proudly said she shopped at Target in Season 2 and the low-key version of Mauricio that went along with her.

And there we have it! The housewives and Andy toasted to another season past and bid us farewell, so it's time for us to do the same. Thank you all for reading and for all your comments -- I read them each and every week. And an extra thank you to those who explained who that awful Linda lady was from the season finale. I will be back when the "Real Housewives of New York City" returns for its sixth season.

As always - please let us know what you thought of the episode. Did I miss anything? Do you think all the remaining ladies should be asked back for Season 4? Sound off in the comments below!

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on Bravo.

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