Hundreds of thousands of mourners gathered on the National Mall on Sunday evening to mourn the tragic death of Santa Claus, who was shot dead on Friday night as he entered a Pennsylvania home through the chimney to deliver presents to Nathan, 4, and Emily, 6, who had both been very good this year.
Parents Michael and Laura Scott had been among those who rushed to purchase AR-15s last week, which have been selling exceptionally well since the rifle was used in the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut.
"We figured this time Obama really was coming for our guns," said Laura Scott to the New York Times immediately after shooting Santa Claus in the face. "So we rushed out and bought a extra rifles to, you know, protect our kids and ourselves from tyranny and thieves. So when I heard the sound of metal clanging and a rustling in the living room, I thought I'd better be the good guy with the gun and stop the bad guy with the gun. I pulled my pink "For Her" Bushmaster out from under my pillow, where it is safely out of reach of my children but conveniently located in case of a burglary, and then I ran downstairs and started shooting blindly at the rotund figure in the dark."
Emily Scott, teary-eyed, confirmed, "I saw Mommy shooting Santa Claus."
"Oh," Michael Scott said, putting his arm around his wife. "I was relieved when I heard that classic, sweet sound of the semi-automatic rifle, because I just knew it was my wife shooting it. Everyone knows black pe--I mean, burglars--only carry handguns and shoot them with their wrist turned sideways. Never could I have imagined that I would kill Santa Claus. But I guess I should have known that he's the only guy who would break in like that this time of the year. We tell our kids he delivers presents on Christmas Eve, but we aren't crazy. We know he can't do it all in one night."
President Obama, as obligated to remind voters that he is Christian as always, called Santa a "tireless hero; an icon of light, joy, and generosity" as he delivered the eulogy before the enormous crowd, and stoically wiped a tear from the corner of his eye before rhetorically asking, "For [expletive]'s sake, people! Now can we talk about gun control?!"
Pat Robertson, too, called for a "re-evaluation of this nation's lax laws which make these evil, seductive things more readily available than counseling," though he, of course, was referring to the laws that make gay pornography videos legally distributable.
This latest in a string of gun-related tragedies that have wracked the nation more and more frequently in recent years has brought national attention to a lesser-known incident that occurred last week, wherein a 17-year-old boy fatally shot his father, who was dressed as Santa Claus, because he perceived him to be sexually assaulting his mother. The shooter, Jim Turner, admitted he was initially "relieved" when he removed the false beard and hat and saw that he had shot his father.
"I mean, it's not great," said Turner. "But at least it was only an impostor. I'm actually more relieved now that I see just how upset people are that someone actually did shoot the real Santa. I may have shot my dad, which is definitely not ideal, but at least that wasn't me."
Indeed, in response to threats of violent retribution against them, the Scott family has been taken into temporary protective custody, from which, it is presumed, they will be placed in the federal witness protection program for their own safety. The NRA has provided a lawyer to argue their "stand your ground" defense, as well as lobby for their right to keep their cache of weapons when they are transferred to a new state and given new identities regardless of whether that state issues the required permits.
"This is not the time to tighten gun restrictions," NRA spokesman Bob Cartwright said in a statement released to the press 24 hours after Santa Claus was pronounced DOA at Hershey Medical Center. "If anything, we need to make it easier to get guns. After all, now we know the next guy to come down the chimney isn't a jolly old man. It's definitely one of the bad guys we talked about."
Piers Morgan tragically jumped from the window of the CNN studio in New York midway through reading the statement aloud during the live broadcast of his show. He is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit at St. Barnabas hospital, and is not expected to recover.
House Democrats have finally vowed to make gun control a "priority issue" in the 113th Congress. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid could not be immediately reached for comment, but has tweeted "The murder of Santa Claus will be avenged," which has been interpreted as a message of support for stricter legislation. Republicans say that now is "really, really not the time" to discuss gun control, as the world mourns the world's most beloved serial home invader.
Bill O'Reilly held a sobbing [blond Fox News lady, insert name later] on his special Saturday broadcast and said simply "The Mayans were right. On 12/21/12, the world as we know it ended. That's the change Barack Hussein Obama and his godless leftist supporters promised, realized."
On what he claimed would be his last radio broadcast before he climbs into his subterranean fear bunker, Glenn Beck said quietly, "I knew this was how the War on Christmas would end. But I thought it'd be a Jew who pulled the trigger, just like they killed Jesus. Oh, God... [crying, sniffling]...Well, you know what? I'm ready. And you are all ready, if you're a regular listener of this show. You have your survival kits and your waterproof bibles. It's time, people. Grab them. America is over. This is Glenn Beck, signing off forever. "
Santa Claus was laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery after being posthumously awarded a Purple Heart and the Medal of Freedom for his "valiant courage in the fight for Christmas" by a somewhat reluctant President Obama, who rolled his eyes twice during the ceremony.
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