THE BLOG

How To Look Good In A Swimsuit

03/14/2015 08:03 am ET | Updated May 14, 2015

2015-03-09-1425868549-9430050-gameofthrones11.jpg

LBL is looking forward to attending the wedding of her youngest child next month. The wedding will be in Charleston, SC, and April in Charleston will most likely be swimsuit weather. LBL envisions throngs of happy, wedding-and-alcohol-besotted family members frolicking happily in the water. She further envisions her grandchildren being tossed around by other family members who, in LBL's vision, are all expert swimmers and would rather be in the water than win the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes.

LBL's visions do not include herself
. LBL is uncomfortable in the water. Swimming, for her, has always been like driving a manual transmission car in winter in a car in which the heater is broken. It is cold. And there are entirely too many body parts involved, and too many items to pay attention to. In the case of the swimming thing, breathing is one of those, and this places an extra (and exceedingly scary) component to the mix.

But the worst aspect of swimming, and one that is usually not involved with driving, is that one must wear a swimsuit. And, unless one's religion forbids the revealing of one's body (LBL has checked into this and has even consulted with the Duggars, but believes April is too soon to complete the conversion process), the swimsuit is most likely the garb of choice.

Why is swimsuit shopping so difficult?

Swimsuit shopping is difficult because, while other forms of clothing can change to accommodate aging bodies, swimsuits are mostly stuck on pause. Over the decades, we can switch from sleeveless to sleeved tops, from shorts to crop pants, from high heels to flats. While it is true that we also have the option of switching from bikinis to more modest one-piece suits, LBL is as yet unaware that any swimsuit manufacturers have dealt with upper arm or neck/thigh/knee/calf/ankle coverage.

Is there one fail-safe style that flatters everyone?

The swim burka looks good on everyone. Aside from that, one could wear something that distracts the eye from noticing one's swimsuit. Anything with large clusters of diamonds will do nicely. The khaleesi on Game of Thrones cleverly has live dragons perch on her shoulders when she finds herself in a pesky situation and wants to distract someone from killing her. But dragons are hard to come by and they can turn on you.

Is it safe to buy a swimsuit online?

Yes. Just make sure you understand the return policy. Or no. If it can't be returned, you are a lunkhead for buying it.

What if one is out-of-proportion: big on the top and really flat on the bottom?

Fit the bust area first. This will give you a suit that is perfect for your top and can accommodate all of your beach equipment on the bottom. But seriously, LBL fits into this category and can assure you that no swimsuit manufacturer on earth has ever thought of this possibility. She has yet to find a swimsuit in which the top has the sufficient number of levers and pulleys required for uplift and the sufficient amount of coverage. Added to that is the side and back fat thing, which is its own issue. And women who don't own a butt are seriously left out of the loop.

What if one is bigger on the bottom than on the top?

That makes you a normal woman and LBL doesn't care about you.

What if one has an athletic body?

LBL has never understood what this category means, but the word "athletic" is not a word that occurs in her reality. Like the category above, LBL doesn't care about you.

What is the best type bikini to wear for a bikini competition?

LBL doesn't know how you got in here but she intends to beef up her security in the future. Now leave. And take the people in the two previously mentioned categories with you.

Are there certain styles you should never take into the dressing room?

Stay away from bikinis, small two-piece numbers, buckles, zippers, animal fur, and blinking lights at the crotch area. Actually, one should stay away from dressing rooms entirely. Unless they have doors which can be padlocked, one runs the risk of having the salesperson (usually young enough to be one's granddaughter) poke her head in and ask "How is it going?" in the now very-popular high, squeeky-girlie voice that young women have suddenly acquired, or knock on the door and yell the same question in a slightly louder high, squeeky-girlie voice. If one is a sentient human, there is only one answer to that question, and LBL can't say it in a family blog.

Another issue entirely with dressing rooms is the morbid fear that after one has put on a swimsuit, one will inadvertently cough or be startled by the sight of the salesperson-child's face in one's dressing room. This will cause one's bladder to do what it is required to do at this time of life, and one will then have to purchase whatever swimsuit one is currently trying on.
What is the answer, then?

Aside from convincing her son to put off the wedding until winter, there is no solution for LBL's own problem. The rest of you can muck around as best you can and, if you find a solution, send it to LBL, along with a hefty check so that she can purchase a baby dragon to put on her shoulder, as well as a dragon trainer to teach the dragon not to claw LBL's eyes out.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Celebrity Bikini Bodies Over 50