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Sex And The Sixty-Year-Old (Part 2)

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For those of you who believe my friend Susan hasn't given online dating enough of a chance, rest assured she has been doing this since the original site, Cavematch.com. Thus far, she has only excluded the sites that would result in the FBI confiscating her computer.

After she is contacted by men, and, after she continues to communicate with them via personal email and phone calls, she is able to eliminate most of them as not a good match for her. "Not a good match" may mean various things:

1. Men who send her photos of their genitals.

Susan assures me that this has happened on more than one occasion. I didn't ask her if they were Glamour Shots or just candid shots. It might make a difference.

2. Men who have thus far failed to master the art of spell check and upper case vs. lower case letters.

YEP YOU ARE A LIVE WITH THE CHEESE AND CRACKERS YOU NEE WINE AND I WORK FOR A IMPORTER OF FINE FRENCH ARGENTINA AND SPANISH WINE I BE A GREAT PERSON TO GET TO KNOW.

(I NEED A LOT OF FINE FRENCH ARGENTINA AND SPANISH WINE TO JUST READ THIS.)

3. Men who have small children/pets/ex-wives (Clarification: The children are small, but the pets and ex-wives can be any size) who take up most of their time.

One man told Susan he had to go to his ex-wife's house on a regular basis to mow the lawn. Unless he was destitute and worked out handyman/lawn services with the judge as a substitute for financial support, I'm thinking maybe he wasn't quite ready to move on. Another had to end all dates by 8 p.m. so he could go home and take care of his dog. About the only women he could develop a relationship with would be the ones who worked the night shift.

4. Men who have other considerations that should preclude them from entering the dating world (or any other world, for that matter).

One man told Susan he had no teeth and said that his son told him it might be a good idea to wait until he had his dentures before venturing out into the dating scene. Another man told Susan he was separated, and, when she asked him further, he revealed that "separated" meant that he was living in DC. during the week and going home on weekends, but had neglected to tell his wife that he considered himself "separated during his week in DC." He couldn't understand why Susan didn't want to date him, since she could have him all to herself all week long.

If a man isn't eliminated by any of the above, Susan usually agrees to meet him for coffee. She used to meet men for dinner, but I got really tired of hearing about four-hour meetings, since the length of time usually had nothing to do with the quality of the date or the intention of either Susan or the man in question to ever get together again. The length of the meeting had more to do with Susan's uncanny ability to have a many hours-long conversation with anybody, including, in a pinch, inanimate objects.

Because of this, I set ground rules for her: one hour at Starbucks or another place that serves coffee. Not a minute longer. Susan agreed, but she still came up with really creative ways to foil my best efforts. In the next episode, we will explore some of these.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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