My Petition: Don't Let Clinton Hijack the VP Slot

06/20/2008 09:50 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

On one of the most historic nights in American history, did Senator Clinton and her merry bandits offer grace, humility and congratulations? No. They were as "gangsta" as ever. When Senator Clinton had an opportunity to demonstrate uncharacteristic graciousness and acknowledge that Senator Obama is the democratic nominee for the United States of America, she chose instead to martial her legion of old, bitter, scorned, spurned, post-menopausal baby boomer women -- "I hope you'll go to my website at" and "I will be making no decisions tonight." Is she kidding? The decision has already been made for her -- she lost.

This does not sound like someone who passed the commander-in-chief test, someone we'd want to make decisions at 3 A.M., or someone who's ready on day one. This sounds, instead, like a bitter and angry woman clinging to a lost cause. This sounds like a woman who has been cuckolded both personally and politically.

The press release of her upcoming schedule that she sent out yesterday evening and her call to log on to her Web site was not only a battle cry to keep the fight going but also a call to disrupt and disrespect a night that should have been about Senator Obama and his historic victory. If her lack of grace was not enough, we also had the Tevia of "Clinton the Musical" -- Lanny 'whiny' Davis -- publishing a petition to Bogart her onto Obama's ticket. How dare these pushy, arrogant losers hijack Senator Obama's night? Memo to Clinton: We're just not that into you.

In response, I have decided to draft a petition of my own:


1. She does not represent change
2. She lacks probity
3. She's not a team player
4. She relishes being polarizing
5. She supported the McCain/Bush War
6. She undermines Obama at every opportunity
7. She underestimates Obama's intelligence
8. She and her husband denigrate Obama's experience
9. She and her husband marginalize Obama's policies
10. She questioned whether Obama passed the commander-in-chief threshold
11. She played the race card
12. She played the sexism card
13. She revved up the Rev. Wright issue
14. She constantly changed the goal post
15. She had no campaign strategy other than slash and burn
16. She was fiscally irresponsible
17. Her husband can't keep his pants or his mouth zipped
18. She demonstrates raw ambition -- not unity
19. She uses poor whites, Latinos and old women as a trump card
20. She has never clearly articulated what her experience is outside of being Bill's wife

These are just a few of the reasons why Senator Clinton should not be Obama's running mate. I'm sure Michelle Obama has a few of her own, as do the legion of Obama volunteers and supporters.

I don't want to be accused of promoting disharmony, so I actually do want to suggest that Senator Clinton be given consideration as the VP -- on the Republican ticket. It would work so well, since Clinton and McCain claim to be good buds; they threw back shots together, they voted for war together. Yes, that would definitely be a good fit. I'm sure she's forgiven McCain for calling her daughter the offspring of Hillary and Janet Reno.

Who wants to be the first to sign my petition? Perhaps I should look up Monica, Paula and Gennifer and see if they'd be interested.