Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Rep. Alan Grayson Headshot

10 Reasons Why Sarah Palin Will Never Be President

Posted: Updated:

Yesterday Chris Matthews said, on the air, that Sarah Palin is "profoundly stupid."

Well that's a little, I don't know, kind of, maybe, a bit blunt.

Matthews was trying to explain why Sarah Palin will never be president. The answer is obvious, I think. Everyone would rather have Tina Fey as president. Sarah Palin and Tina Fey are both very funny. The difference is that Tina Fey is intentionally funny.

I have to say, though, Chris, that you could have made the point with a little more subtlety. For instance, you could have shown a drawing of Palin wearing a t-shirt saying "I'M WITH STUPID," and an arrow pointing up.

Or, Chris, if your show were as clever as Groucho Marx's You Bet Your Life, you could have offered these 10 additional reasons why Sarah Palin will never be president:

(1) Palin doesn't know who is buried in Grant's Tomb.

(2) Palin couldn't tell you when the War of 1812 was fought.

(3) Palin has no clue about the color of George Washington's white horse.

(4) Palin wonders on what day Latinos celebrate the Cinco de Mayo.

(5) Palin isn't sure what weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers.

(6) Palin has no idea in what month the October Revolution took place.

(7) Palin is baffled by the question of who came up with the Monroe Doctrine.

(8) Palin would very much like to know who fought in the French and Indian War.

(9) Palin is puzzled as to who wrote "The Autobiography of Malcolm X."

(10) Palin is at a loss regarding what were JFK's initials.

Well, one thing is for sure. Sarah Palin will never figure out how to get to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

I'm not saying that Sarah Palin is dumb. But I'm not saying that she's not.

When Palin came to my district 10 days before the 2010 election to inform Central Florida that I am a "jackwagon" (video here, with 11 views as I write this) -- I thought to myself: "Wow, I didn't realize that you could fit nine letters onto one palm."

Jonathan Swift once wrote: "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him." Sarah Palin, you'll never be President of the United States. But at least you are the natural-born leader of that confederacy, now and forevermore.

Courage,

Alan Grayson