Kings of the Hill: Had My Mother Attended the Nuclear Negotiations

04/02/2015 04:07 pm ET | Updated Jun 02, 2015

IRANIAN FOREIGN MINISTER MOHAMMED JAVAD ZARIF: The hour is late. Do we have a deal or not?

SYLVIA: What, all of a sudden you're in such a rush? You should never sign a nuclear program agreement on an empty stomach. Here, have some more brisket.

ZARIF: Enough of these stall tactics! I have been instructed by my government to walk out of these negotiations!

SYLVIA: You don't like my brisket. [Lower lip begins slight tremble. Eyes commence a forlorn roll upwards.]

ZARIF: It won't work this time. While you roll your eyes, we are spinning our centrifuges. And we will keep spinning them until Iran has enriched enough uranium to defend ourselves from the Zionist aggressors. Nothing can stop us. OK. Just one more piece of brisket. And that's it.


SYLVIA: Mohammed, dear, can we discuss the Arak plutonium facility now?

ZARIF: We've been through this. Over and over and over. No IAEA surprise inspections at Arak!

SYLVIA: Look, I understand. I hate when my sister Rona drops in unannounced. Rona, I always tell her, "What am I? The queen of England? Do I have household servants polishing the silver for you?"

DAVID CAMERON: What's wrong with that?

SYLVIA: God fahbid, when the IAEA inspectors are coming, you want to straighten up a little. Clean up that plutonium shmutz. So how about this: you get twenty four hours' notice before they come. And they bring a little nosh for everyone. Deal?


US SECRETARY OF STATE KERRY: Now, let's address the Parchin military complex. According to latest intelligence estimates -- Wikipedia -- you've got an advanced nuclear weapons research and development program there. Heavily fortified and deep underground. We insist on intense, intrusive and immediate inspections.

ZARIF: No! No, no, no. No! Parchin is completely non-negotiable!

SYLVIA: [Brings hand to chest and emits a long, despairing "Oyyyyyyyy..."]

ZARIF: What is it?

SYLVIA: It's nothing.

ZARIF: I know something is wrong.

SYLVIA: It's nothing. You shouldn't worry.

ZARIF. Fine. As I said, Parchin is non-negotiable

SYLVIA: Is anyone else hot? All of a sudden I'm shvitzing.

ZARIF: A minute ago you said the air conditioning was blowing on you. Maybe you should take off one of those sweaters. You're wearing five of them.

SYLVIA: Look, I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

ZARIF: You're not a burden.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: No one said you were a burden.

SEC. KERRY: We love you, Sylvia!

FRANCOIS HOLLANDE: Is there any more babka?


ANGELA MERKEL: Our final round of negotiations will address the lifting of sanctions.

ZARIF: On this we are immovable! Sanctions must be lifted immediately and entirely.

SEC. KERRY: Forget it. Phased in and snapped back.

ZARIF: Then you forget it!

[The parties stand in anger. Chairs are pushed back and negotiators begin heading for the door.]

SYLVIA: Look, everyone calm down. [Opens her pocketbook.] Here, have some crackers. And Tums. [Pulls out six packages of Kleenex.] Angela, here. You have a piece of brisket on your chin. You know what? [Licks a tissue.] I'll do it.

MERKEL: [Rubs chin frantically.] I'll handle it.

# # #

SYLVIA: Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Such a shonda. It's all my fault. I have failed as a nuclear negotiator. I'll just go back to Brooklyn now. Don't worry. I won't be a bother. I'll take a bus.

ZARIF: We're in Geneva.

SYLVIA: [Heavy shoulders rise. Lungs fill with air. Eyes flood with tears.] What difference? I'll go to Brooklyn. I'll sit at home and tell Jennifer and Jacqui and Jeffrey that Nana is a failure. [Fumbles for her iPhone.] Did I show you the pictures?

CAMERON: Yes. Remember? We were going to view satellite images of Fordo but instead saw "Purim 2011"?

SYLVIA: [Holds up camera incorrectly showing massive typos in text app.] Look at their punims! Did you evah? Let's see the pictures of your little ones, Mohammed.

ZARIF: Please. Don't.

KERRY: [Returns to negotiating table.] Is there any more kreplach?

SYLVIA: And coffee. I don't like signing final status agreements in nuclear treaties before my coffee.