THE BLOG

Humor Piece: Large Claims Court

07/31/2014 06:17 pm ET | Updated Sep 30, 2014

"Through this lawsuit, the House of Representatives will take a crucial step to rein in the president and defend our Constitution so that it endures for generations to come."
Rep Pete Sessions (R-TX), House Rules Committee Chairman

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner today announced a lawsuit against the Environmental Protection Agency for "it's war on charcoal briquettes." Boehner said, "we have reason to believe the EPA's war on coal extends all the way to the backyard grill. This lawsuit is necessary to stop Executive Branch overreach that, unchecked, could ultimately regulate emissions from the tiki torch."

WASHINGTON - Darryl Issa (R-CA), Chairman of the House Oversight & Reform Committee, today announced the issuance of subpoenas to the Secret Service. Issa has been investigating reports that the agency aided a conspiracy by Sasha and Malia Obama to redirect allowance money to a jar labelled "Mom's B-D Gift $$" hidden in the back of a closet in a White House bedroom.

Issa said: "Mom's birthday present may sound benign, even cutesy, but the American people deserve to know whether any of their hard-earned tax dollars were misspent on a Michael Kors Jet-Set Travel Wallet On A Chain."

WASHINGTON - House Rules Committee Chairman Pete Sessions (R-TX) today announced a lawsuit against President Obama for allegedly "having multiple pizzas delivered to the Rules Committee office when we didn't even order any, a form of Executive Branch harassment and frankly, not even that funny."

Sessions said the suit is "necessary to rein in the president and defend our Constitution so that it endures for generations to come." The suit will be heard by Judge Byron P. Althuess of the DC Small Claims Court.

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner today announced a $2.3 billion Legislative Branch supplemental appropriations bill to cover the costs of additional lawyers to sue the President. Funds will be offset by eliminating two House Committees: Science and Education.

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner today announced a lawsuit against the Department of Interior. According to a police report by the Town of Stutsville (NY) Public Safety Department, the Deputy Assistant Secretary Of Interior, Office Of Pond Reclamation, Canadian Geese Division failed to come to a full stop at the intersection of Main Street and Stutsville Ave. while on a family vacation. Boehner said, "this is another example of lawless Executive Branch overreach that must be stopped...literally."

WASHINGTON - Darryl Issa (R-CA), Chairman of the House Oversight & Reform Committee, today issued subpeonas to the staff of the White House Mess for allegedly "advertising a bowl of Navy Bean Soup but actually serving it in a large mug." House Rules Committee Chair Pete Sessions (R-TX) stated that the investigation will "help to rein in a president who serves Navy Bean Soup when he wants, where he wants and how he wants, so that the Constitution endures for generations of soup-eaters to come."

WASHINGTON - House Oversight & Reform Committee Chairman Darryl Issa (R-CA) today announced that the Committee will hold "Subpoena Sundays" to coincide with the morning talk shows.

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner today announced a lawsuit against the Obama Administration for its Executive Order recognizing the "American Association For The Appreciation of Dandelions." In a teary-eyed press conference, Boehner said: "Where in the Constitution does a president of any party have the right to glorify something that threatens our way of life on the greatest golf courses on earth? The Constitution must endure."

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner today announced a lawsuit against the White House Social Office for "consistently disrupting the quality of life with loud and raucous parties depriving neighbors of peace and quiet." Boehner cited the annual White House congressional barbecue as an example.

WASHINGTON - Dealing with escalating costs for legal counsel, House Speaker John Boehner today announced an additional appropriation of $1.5 billion to be offset by eliminating lawyers in the Department of Justice Civil Rights Division.

BURBANK - FOX News today announced its new prime time series:"Obamacourt" . Each episode will feature Administration officials appearing before Judge Judith Sheindlin, formerly of "Judge Judy " fame. "Celebrity Judges " will include Rick Perry, Sean Hannity and Antonin Scalia.

WASHINGTON - House Oversight & Reform Committee Chairman Darryl Issa (R-CA) today announced that the Committee will change its name to "Subpeonas 'R Us."

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner today announced a lawsuit against the White House for an olive pit found in a salad during an Oval Office lunch with the President. "I bit down and felt something strange inside my mouth," Boehner said. "I think it may have chipped a tooth and it caused emotional duress." The suit seeks unspecified amounts in damages, including the repeal of the Affordable Care Act.

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehber today hailed passage of the American Innovation Protection Act - a sweeping series of tort reforms, noting that American progress and innovation is consistently obstructed by trial lawyers and their rush to the courts.

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