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Jesus Invites Glenn Beck To A "Progressive" Dinner Party

05/26/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Jesus saw that his disciples were a bit stressed out, so he decided to invite them to a progressive dinner party.

One of his disciples, Glenn Beck, went off on Jesus. "Progressivism is the cancer in America, and it is eating our Constitution, and it was designed to eat the Constitution, to progress past the Constitution."

Jesus gently chuckled and explained, "This is a party where each successive course is eaten at a different host's house -- the guests progress from house to house, hence the name progressive dinner party."

Glenn was still suspicious, but this was Jesus, for God's sake. He decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

The first stop was at the home of a fellow disciple who was an IRS agent. While they were having dinner, many other tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with them. Glenn began to mumble to the other disciples, "Why does Jesus eat with tax collectors and sinners?"

On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Righteous Glenn kind of liked this. He considered them to be sicko "tax and spend" sinners as well.

On the next stop of their progressive dinner party, Jesus took his followers to a big rally. When Jesus saw the large crowd, he had compassion for them and healed their sick. This disturbed Glenn because not one of them presented an insurance card. It seemed a bit "socialist" to him.

As evening approached, Glenn came to Jesus and demanded, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food."

Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat." The other disciples offered, "We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish."

"Bring them here to me," Jesus said. He directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, women, and children.

By now Glenn was getting exasperated with Jesus. He turned to the other disciples and railed:

"I'm begging you, your right to religion and freedom to exercise religion ... are going to come under the ropes in the next year ... I beg you, look for the words 'social justice' or 'economic justice'. If Jesus uses these words, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising you to leave this group? Yes!"

Glenn aimed to show Jesus the way it should be done, so he volunteered to host the final leg of the progressive dinner party.

Glenn provided a sumptuous feast. He sat at the head of the table with all of his prominent FOX broadcasters seated in order of their cultural eminence.

Then Jesus said to Glenn, "When you give a dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

Glenn was enraged. He knew now beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus was not only a socialist but a Marxist. Glenn had his Foxwater security agents evict Jesus from the dinner party.

As the door hit Jesus on the backside, he looked at Glenn with the same compassion he offered to the tired, penniless peasants he had healed and fed earlier.

With sorrow in his eyes Jesus spoke: "Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."