Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

Is it mere coincidence that Jamie Lynn Spears, the 17-year-old actor and sister of Britney, had her baby on Thursday, just one day after Time magazine reported a "pregnancy boom" at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts? Some might say that coincidence is God's way of getting our attention. There certainly is a common thread in these stories that we should think hard about and address.

Now, I am not among those who will quickly condemn Jamie Lynn or any of the pregnant young women in Gloucester. I am not among those will dismiss all of this as yet another product of a sinful culture, further evidence of the decline of morality. Nevertheless, it is difficult for this minister and sexologist not to wonder along with many, "What were they thinking?"

Time reports that as many as 17 young women in Gloucester had formed a pact to get pregnant together and support each other when they have babies. It seems that all were having sex with men in their twenties who were not their boyfriends. Surely in today's world, somewhere along the line, these young women had to know that unprotected sex was not a good idea that having a child as a teenager would change their lives forever. It's easy to be glib and assume they weren't thinking about the consequences or their futures.

Or perhaps they were. If what we know from national research holds true in Gloucester, these girls probably came from homes where there was little discussion about sexuality. I'm guessing some of these girls came from homes with too little supervision and a permissive atmosphere, where they learned that teen sex wasn't such a big deal. Conversely, some may have come from homes that were too strict, where they felt disconnected from their own family and sought to create their own. No doubt they were thinking like early adolescents: concentrating on what would be fun about new babies, baby showers, extra attention, and someone who would love them unconditionally. The need for love may be their most immediate and urgent need.

Perhaps no one ever told them that the possibilities for their longer-term futures -- including love, family, education and prosperity -- are much greater if only they would delay motherhood until their twenties or later. Sadly, though, as one of their classmates said, these young women chose pregnancy because "no one's offered them a better option." Perhaps their parents did not understand the importance of talking with their children about sexuality, offering their values, and helping them understand how to set sexual limits.

How might we as a society respond to these stories? I hope our first response is one of compassion, not judgment. For the young women in Gloucester, I hope the community will be there to help them and their children. It is time for the school board in Gloucester to stop arguing about contraceptive services at the school health clinics, and assure that the school offers sexuality education that includes not only abstinence and contraception, but help in making healthy sexual decisions and preparing for the future.

For the rest of us, the message in these stories is that we must be prepared -- as parents, educators and clergy -- to talk openly and honestly about sexuality with our 'tween and teen children. We must explicitly share our values about when sexual intercourse is appropriate (after high school, in a committed relationship, when engaged, only after marriage, whatever your values may be).

The research on this is clear -- when parents talk explicitly about sexuality, share their values, set limits on dating behavior, and offer unconditional love, teenagers respond. They either delay sexual activity altogether, or they use contraception when they do become sexually active. (I have written more about this in my books Beyond the Big Talk and What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know.)

My advice to parents is simply this: Start tonight's dinner conversation by asking your teens if they have heard about Ms. Spears and the "pregnancy pact." Ask them what they think. Listen. Share your values and hopes for them. Tell them you love them and are there for them, and that their lives will be easier, better, if they wait to become parents until they are adults.

It's not a complicated discussion. We'll be having it at my dinner table tonight. I hope millions of American families will be doing the same.

Comments

[Trueheart]

I lived in Gloucester for many years. Over the last 20 years, wealthy yuppies have moved into the area, but locals persist in holding on to an insular, island mentality. CBS called it a "sleepy fishing village," but it ain't. Fishing has always been a tough living. Drag netting and factory ships have shut out individual enterprise. Men feel powerless and obsolete. The lifestyle involves risk-taking, heavy drinking and brawling. Girls are bold and brash, capable of throwing a punch as good as a boy, and don't hesitate to do so. The community celebrates flamboyant behavior, and doesn't have a problem with kids getting married right out of high school.

A generation ago, there would have been an accompanying wave of shotgun weddings. As it turns out, according to friends in Gloucester, there WAS NO PACT. There was a spike in the number of girls who had pregnancies confirmed at the school clinic. The school encourages unwed mothers to complete their educations, so there's a free daycare center for babies at the school. Getting a better picture of this now?

The stigma attached to illegitimacy effectively has been removed. Welfare makes it possible for girls to get along without support from families or husbands--so why not? In 9 months, there will be a mass christening at St. Ann's and by spring, they'll stroll down the Boulevard and have their very own Easter parade. This story will become just another event in the city's outrageous cultural history.

[Lorifromky]

I know a woman who took the hardline approach with her children when they were teenagers. She told her SONS that if they impregnated a girl, they would no longer be playing sports after school and going to the movies on the weekends. She told them that if the worst happened, they would be going to school and working at whatever job they could find - after school and on weekends. Once they turned 18, they would have to figure out college, jobs and child support on their own. After all, if they are old enough to bring a life into this world, they are old enough to figure out how to support it. Her boys never had a pregnancy scare while in high school.
These girls have no idea what they have done to themselves or their newborns. Jaimie Spears has already earned more before her 18th birthday than these girls will earn in their lifetime.

[expatwing]

I disagree. I think that talking to children about "your values" is ineffective. Speaking from experience, one must discuss with children that they need to develop their OWN values... and that no matter where sexual experiences fit into those values, they should always be done safely and responsibly.
That being said, this advice probably wouldn't have helped the girls in MA who were obviously looking for something other than sexual experience­s... there is a difference between a teenager who is sexually active and gets pregnant accidentally and one who is seeking a pregnancy. Advice for the latter may include discussing with them their long term goals and asking them to assess how having a baby will fit into their goals - there is very little chance they will be able to come to the conclusion that a baby will help them achieve their goals.

[BEHM777]

I wonder the same thing: "What were they thinking?" Then I remembered Juno. Anyway, at this point the most important thing is caring for these young women and their unborn children (that means psychologically too).

[TroubleNYC]

"Some might say that coincidence is God's way of getting our attention.­"

That's pretty much where I stopped reading.

[klmebane]

it's a shame u stopped reading. it was a good article and made a lot of sense.

[njborne]

I believe those girls followed Jamie Lynn Spears in their pregnancy. Maybe I'm wrong. Hopefully I am wrong. But the similarities are there. Sad state.

[Kishadawn]

I started having these conversations with my son when he was in his last year of elementary school. I live in the suburbs of Washington, DC. The media is constantly quoting statistics in the Washington Post about the high rate of STDs being transferred by teenagers. AIDS cases are very high in High School here. The had an article about middle schoolers performing oral sex in bathrooms at schools.

I spoke to my son about these things because I was concerned about his health and welfare. Having been a teenager mother, I know what it takes to raise a child and the compromises you make for your future to be a good parent. Yet, I'm still okay. I have a great kid.

While I candidly discuss pregnancy and the responsibilities related to having a child, he knows this, he lives this life. So, my core focus is on the high probability of getting a transmitted disease that could kill him or affect his future family.

I think its terrible for a child to get pregnant because she is un-loved, but to me it is a much higher cry in my view that she risked her health, her LIFE because of that misery. That she really knew the other risks and was still willing to die to end the misery.

[Raymondf]

No comment except I don't care for women ministers.

[njborne]

Wow! What an idiot. To think, Jesus supported women ministries. Hmmm! I get it. Raymond doesn't know his lessons. Got it.

[Donnat]

this sounds more like something that would happen in Texas. I'm surprised in happened in MA.

[iambusto]

there will always be stupid people and losers.

how else are we going to get our fresh supply of drive-thru workers, waitresses, strippers for the next decade. As for the guys, once they start paying for child support, i doubt they will be going to colleges. thats another supply of people to mow your lawn and wash your car.

[Oridaman]

It is sad to say, but if things keep going the way they are there will be plenty more people fighting for those jobs, and they won't all be "stupid people and losers."