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Rev. Dr. Martha R. Jacobs Headshot

God Will Not Desert Us: Difficult End Of Life Conversations

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In reading some of the responses to my first blog posting, I was taken with those who chose to share their story of a friend or family member who either suffered (in their opinion) or who were proactive and told their family what they wanted done to and with their body as they were dying. I appreciate your sharing your stories. I have heard so many like them and have been present with families who have had to deal with similar situations. Each story is heart-breaking for many reasons, not the least of which is, some of that heart-break might have been mitigated if the person had told others what their wishes were as to how their body was to be treated as they were dying.

When there have not been conversations about what someone's wishes are, it is more painful for everyone. It seems especially tension-filled for adult children when a parent is dying. Sibling rivalry rears its ugly head when children have to try to figure out what their dying parent might have wanted ... and each sibling has their own, different take on this. These situations, unfortunately, engender arguments and fights at the very time the family should be there to support and comfort each other and their dying parent. Letting your family know your wishes mitigates much of this pain and tension.

Now, let me point out that I did say "wishes" -- because that is what one can hope for -- that their wishes be followed. That doesn't always happen for a number of reasons, including loved ones not being able to let go of the person (most people don't want their loved one to die), and medical personnel not always following what a person has requested in an advance directive. But, if you don't have an advance directive and/or told those who love you what your wishes are, they can't be followed!

So, the first step in this process is beginning to have "those" conversations with the people you love and are closest to you. I am not talking about "death panel" conversations; I am talking about honest conversations about how you want your body treated as you near death. You have the right to have everything done in order to stay alive as long as possible. You also have the right to not have everything done; to choose quality of life over quantity of life. But you need to let people know which one of those (or another scenario) you want.

As I wrote in my first posting, the greatest gift you can give to those you love is to let them know what your wishes are as to how you want your body treated as you near the end of life. It is also important to let them know what your bottom line is in terms of what you would want or need to be able to do in order for your life to have meaning for you. The bottom line will be different for each person and depending on your age, it may change. For example, I completed my first advance directive in 1991. I was in my early 30's and at the time thought that if I could not do everything by and for myself and be able to resume all of the activities I had done prior to something happening to me, I didn't want to live. Well, I am now 57 and my priorities have changed.

As Christians we have a responsibility to ensure that our bodies are taken care of and we know that we do not have infinite life in our physical bodies, which are meant to break down ("from dust you have come and to dust you shall return" -- Eccl 3:20). Adam and Eve did not eat from the tree of life, but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. (Genesis 3:22) So, we will one day die. And for us, as Christians, that is not the worst thing that can happen to us! We worship one who died and know that there is something greater awaiting us beyond this life. And that is where faith comes into the picture. Faith in God that God will not desert us as we are dying. As St. Paul wrote, whether we live or whether we die we belong to God. (Romans 14:8) Death is not the absence of God's love, it is the fullness of God's love. Jesus is with us in our dying and in our living. God's love will never die, even as our human bodies fade away.

My next posting will go into the details of advance directives and some of the questions you may want to ask yourself as you consider having "those" conversations.

Around the Web

End-of-Life Care: Questions and Answers - National Cancer Institute

End-of-life care - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The Cost of Dying: End-of-Life Care - 60 Minutes - CBS News

End-of-Life Care | Cancer.Net