Spiritually Seeking A Death Both 'Beautiful and Painful'

Just before New Years, I found myself helping a family whose loved one was dying. As a chaplain in a hospital, I never know whether a family will "allow" me (or any other chaplain) "in" at the time that is most painful for them. Amazingly, most families welcome a professional chaplain into the "holy ground" of those who are dying. I think that they somehow know that we are there not to convert or judge, but to help them with the dying process.

To sit with them, for however long is necessary, so that they can be supported as their loved one is dying. As a society, we are not taught this in school, nor does it come easily. We don't know how to act or what to do or how to be with someone who is dying (especially once death moved out of our homes and into hospitals). As a professional chaplain, I can help them and be a reminding "presence" that they and their loved one are not alone. God is also present.

Decisions that are made when someone is nearing the end of their life are often fraught with second-guessing: Did we make the right decision? Will it make a difference? Will it give our loved one more time? Will it ease any physical pain the patient might be experiencing? And what about the pain? If we ask for more morphine, will we be hastening his death?

Second-guessing decisions that are made with the knowledge one has at the time the decision is made can be fraught with what ifs. Looking back with knowledge gained after a decision has been made can only cause pain and more what ifs. We make decisions with the knowledge that we have at the time we make that decision and somehow, we have to accept those decisions that are made and not regret them ... because we made them based on what we knew at the time -- not 24 or 48 hours or days or weeks later.

Jesse was a lucky man in so many ways. But in no way greater than as he lay dying. His wife, Anna, and his daughter Terry and son David (not their real names) did not leave his side. They created a holy space for him in his dying. They sang to him, talked to him, held him, cried over him, caressed him and loved him in a way that can only be described as God's Holy Ground.

They also gave him the greatest gift they could have given him at that time -- the gift of letting him go. While it was so hard for each of them, they let Jesse know that they were going to be OK. And, that while they would miss him and it would be a very difficult time for them, they wanted him to go in peace, knowing that those he loved most dearly were going to be OK. They also gave him another gift -- Jesse didn't want to give up hope and so his family kept that hope alive with him.

Watching this selfless act of loving on their part gave me a keen insight into who Jesse was and his life with Anna and their kids. The love that Jesse and Anna shared was passed on to their children, who I believe are now passing that kind of love onto their children ... so the impact that Jesse had on this world will go on for generations.

My prayer for this family was that, as they looked back on the last weeks of Jesse's life, they would find, along with the pain of him not being here, the wonderful memories of their last Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family, as spouses and grandchildren joined in filling Jesse's and Anna's home with love. I also prayed that they would also be able to recognize the risen Lord who traveled with them on this journey and has now said to Jesse, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Would that we could all experience such a peace-filled death. As his daughter commented to me in a recent email exchange, "The moment of his death was as beautiful as it was painful." So, while the pain of his death was and is still present, the cut is "clean," as the late, Rev. Dr. William Sloane Coffin said from the pulpit of The Riverside Church in his first sermon following the unexpected death of his 24-year-old son, Alex. Dr. Coffin said, "Because there are no rankling unanswered questions, and because Alex and I simply adored each other, the wound for me is deep, but clean."

Would that we could all make that claim. Would that we could live our lives in such a way as to ensure that all of our relationships are "clean," because death can arrive at any time. Are you ready for that time?

 

 

 

Comments

[Jed A Levine]

05:03 PM on 01/19/2012

Beautiful. How fortunate that family was to experience love and the pain and joy that accompanies all life's relationships worth having. Thank you, Martha for writing this.

I am neither religious or based in any faith tradition, but would appreciate the loving supportive presence of a chaplain to simply be with me and support me, if this were me or my family.

[cvdavies]

08:10 AM on 01/19/2012

As a fellow chaplain, I thought this was a beautiful and true piece that reflects so many of my own experiences with families. Thanks for sharing this with the world.

[french queen13]

05:10 PM on 01/18/2012

I don't want a chaplain, or anyone whose focus is on the deity, regardless of their religious affiliation. I want (assuming I get the choice and actually want any earthly people around at the time) someone who knows me and knows who I'm waiting to join. In other words, someone I could trust not to impose their ideas of the afterlife on me. No religion and no medium who'd push crap about reincarnation, either. Just someone who'd be able to say, "Louis's here."

[Rev. Dr. Martha R. Jacobs]

02:34 PM on 01/20/2012

French queen 13-
Professional Chaplains are trained to be with patients and families where THEY are - whether or not someone has a faith tradition, we work with that person/family in whatever way they want us to.We support them in ways that are helpful to them. It is not about us or our beliefs. That is what makes us different from a typical clergyperson. And yes, if you asked us, we would say, and believe with you, that "Louis's here."

[french queen13]

04:34 PM on 01/20/2012

Glad to hear that, Reverend. I'd just be a bit wary, that's all. I've had supposedly non-dogmatic Spiritualists try to tell me they're right and I'm wrong (which is totally against the tenets of Spiritualism) and I'm not sure how chaplains here in Australia would behave, or how they're trained. I know chaplains in schools have a nasty tendency to go all fundy and tell children their parents are going to hell if they aren't Christian (although admittedly school chaplains come from one particular, rather Low Church Anglican group).

[Mules]

01:58 PM on 01/18/2012

I can stop grieving, no matter how many words people say to me , I can't believe my mother is gone. It's 3 weeks now and I am devastated. I can't get on with what I have to do. My life stopped. It's as if my beautiful mother suddenly just disappeared and I can't stop trying to find her again. I'm so struck. My sister and brother are doing fairly well and compared to how I am doing, they're thriving. Mother held on until the very moment I told her it was okay to go, to not suffer anymore and to rest. That very moment Mother's heart stopped and she took her last breath. Oh, I miss my mother so much. I can't believe my mother is gone. All the prayers and words are wasted on me. My heart is broken.

[Rev. Dr. Martha R. Jacobs]

02:40 PM on 01/20/2012

Mules - my condolences on the death of your mother. It sounds like you gave her a great gift when you told her that you would be ok and that it was ok for her to let go. Try not to compare your grief to anyone else's. Everyone grieves differently, even people within the same family. So allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. While it may not seem like you will ever be able to resume your life, you eventually will - and you will not forget your mother - her essence is a part of who you are and will always be.

[Akla]

11:50 AM on 01/18/2012

"God is also present." Unfortunate that you cannot provide support and assurance without bringing religion into it. Many of us are reluctant to have a minister involved because all they want to do is prey. My father-in-law dying of cancer was able to put the preacher in his place but the family gave in and had two preachers carrying on at his funeral. As my family went through mom's passing, we asked for hospice to become involved but were able to make clear, and they respected us, that we were not into the religious crap. Mom liked to attend church but she did it because she liked to sing and hear music. She never judged, nor put up with those who did. The hospice people, uncomfortable at first, learned that our family is more spiritual than most religionists (this was a catholic nursing home, and the hospice people were catholic and methodist). We as a society need to discuss end of life practices, but we cannot because politics and religion block the way. Learn to put the religion aside and provide spiritual guidance and assurance that ending suffering and pain for humans is just as humane as the treatment we provide animals when we put them down. Nothing more, nothing less. Mom lives in our hearts and lives and those she touched as she provided a model of positive attitude and behaviour towards others that put christians to shame. We continue to try to do the same.

[Rev. Dr. Martha R. Jacobs]

09:14 PM on 01/18/2012

Akla - I am writing about end of life issues from a Christian perspective, so I do bring God into it. There is a difference between a "minister" and a "professional chaplain." We only pray if the family and/or patient request it. We are not there to convert, nor to judge, but to help the patient and family in whatever way we can. There are "ministers" who are quite good at being by the bedside of one of their congregants who is dying and can do so without espousing what the patient may not believe, but the majority are there to support their congregant and will do what they think is best. Chaplains are trained differently. I am a minister and a chaplain and I am not "blocking the way" for these conversations, in fact I am encouraging it, which is what led to my doing this blog. I hope that people WILL talk about end of life issues. It makes it much easier when the time comes and someone is dying to know what their wishes are as to how they want their body treated as they near the end of their life.

[liz godkin marsh]

08:20 AM on 01/19/2012

Thanks for sharing. I, too, have experienced a "deep, but clean" cut when my brother died. He had his entire family around him. Not one person was missing. His beloved wife heard his last heart beat. The room was filled with as much love as sadness. I am an agnostic, but I must admit that being with my brother at the time of his passing felt holy and I felt profoundly honored to share that experience with him.

[Akla]

10:52 AM on 01/19/2012

by blocking the way, I meant that people cannot or will not talk about end of life issues, such as the type of care or when not to provide care, because religion gets in the way and discourages discourse. Can we talk about policy for health care and spending scarce resources? Can we talk about why 1% use 22% and 5% use nearly half (or was it 40%?) of health care expenditures, most often during that last 6 months of life and make any useful policies? No, because the palinese non-thinkers and the politicians pander to religionists and the rest of the unthinking masses about death panels and such. It is nice you find solace in religious beliefs, but that is just a way of avoiding reality and making informed decisions. Judgemental? No, just the facts-if you do not like the description, change your behavior. Join in the pain and sorrow of a human being without the filter of theology. Try it, you will find it so much more satisfying and effective.

[JDH1950]

12:48 AM on 01/18/2012

There is no way to explain this or comprehend this unless one has experienced it. I have been there for the transition of many people. But the two most holy were my mom and my aunt. I was in the room with my mom and I was holding my aunt's hand when she transitioned. I would not take 10 million dollars for that experience.