The Secret (Sex) Life of A Middle-Aged Married Man

I'm a 57-year-old man. Fat. Bald. I have a wife I like. And a boyfriend I love.

I've been "happily" married for over 37 years. Yet I've been leading a secret double life since I turned 50.

In the age of Lady Gaga and her mainstream kink videos, a married man in love and having sex with another man is one of the final taboos. I used to think that myself. Nobody talks about it. There aren't books or movies about it. It's the ultimate closet.

What I've learned in these past few years is that men, even married men, can fall in love with men. A "bromance" can naturally involve touching and it's completely normal. This is what men have been doing since the start of time, and what men are made to do.

I'm not going to feel bad about who I am -- I did that for long enough. In the immortal words of Popeye, "I yam what I yam." In the mortal words of Lady Gaga, "I was born this way."

My boyfriend knows about my wife. She doesn't know about him. Yes, it's a problem that I'm married. It's sad. I care for my wife and I don't want to hurt her, which is one of the reasons why I've kept it secret for so long. I'm not putting her at physical risk, but the emotional risk is very real. I'm truly sorry about that.

But we've had almost four decades with each other -- more than most people spend with the same person. We married when we were 20 (people said we shouldn't, we ignored them -- those people were right).

You're not the same person at 50 you were at 20 (if you are you haven't grown). So we are different people, stuck in the same institution.

I had been "curious" as a teenager and had one encounter with a friend. It wasn't a good experience, I didn't like it, so I convinced myself I never needed to do it again. Then I spent almost 30 years being faithful (the last 10 of those being celibate).

But if you're curious, or at least not totally afraid of the idea of being with another man, those feelings never go away. Never. There are online support groups for married men who are curious, and that's a constant. Once you have that urge, you always have that urge.

When I turned 50, I had a powerful dream -- in it I learned I couldn't do anything in the next life that I hadn't already done in this one. I knew something I was sorry I hadn't done was be with a man. I knew it was time to try it.

I started therapy. One of the dangers of many long marriages is that the couples become a unit and lose their individuality. It can look sweet from the outside, and maybe it's good for some people, but after a while I was suffocating. I had no life of my own.

After so many decades of a co-dependent relationship, I needed to "individuate" -- stand on my own feet -- and learn to accept and like myself for who I am. I remember my first session clearly -- I was totally honest with my therapist, a kind man I still see who has always been supportive. He wasn't shocked, appalled, or even surprised. That made it easier, as do the regular weekly therapy sessions I still have with him.

Chat rooms gave me a place to fantasize with other men. Then came Craigslist. Say what you will about our friend Craig -- I will be forever grateful because he gave me a place to say what I wanted and needed, and get to know a man online before meeting in person.

My first encounter was terrifying. I'd emailed and chatted with a man for months. He was another married guy. Nice. With kids. We met in a park and talked while his kids played. Then we went back to his place, put his kids down for a nap, and touched me. It was literally electric -- that's no exaggeration -- I felt like I'd been plugged in. I hadn't been touched in such a long time. My therapist called it "skin hunger"-- a basic human need for contact.

I was also surprised at how normal it felt -- how right. Why had I thought this was such a big deal? It wasn't. It was just two men connecting.

That's the part that's hard to explain, and probably even harder to understand. I still love my wife. Men can do that -- love their wife yet want sex with someone else. It doesn't mean they love her any less.

But to be honest, I'd reached the point where I did love her less. She was disconnected, she never talked about emotions, just about things she saw on TV or read online. Our unspoken agreement was that nothing would ever change -- she would do nothing and I would let her because if I didn't challenge her, she didn't challenge me. We were roommates in our protective cave -- away from the world. Not changing was part of the deal -- and I was changing.

The only women I've ever had sex with is my wife. We were both virgins when we met. We had sex and I enjoyed it -- but I never stopped being scared that I was doing it wrong. I'd never liked my body and had always thought my penis was too small (it's normal, but guys always think that), and mostly I just felt lost and inept.

Men think they'll just know how to do it -- and maybe some guys do, but I didn't. So we had a sex life, just never a very active or imaginative one -- or any one in the past decade (not uncommon on long marriages, though married people are too embarrassed to talk about it).

Despite the constant way sex is sold in this country, most people are still afraid of it. For society and religion, controlling your sex life is the ultimate influence -- if you can be made to feel guilty about your body, and bad about sharing it naturally with another person, then your body as well as your mind are enslaved.

What they don't want you to know is that sex is completely natural and normal for every creature on this planet -- even sex among males. Sex feels good for a reason, and that reason isn't solely so that we'll procreate within the bounds of a marriage.

I didn't know this for 50 years. Then it became obvious. As soon as I started to feel the simple joy of touching another person -- all that guilt nonsense went away. All that fear of sex as something strange and dirty was gone.

Sex is normal. Sex is natural. Sex is good.

Love is even better.

Even so, I wasn't looking for love, I was looking for real male-bonding, friendship, a physical connection, and acceptance.

For me, being accepted by another man was an important and heady new thing to me. Hey, buddy, you're OK and I'll prove it. (OK, so it's fun, too).

So I went to find a "FwB" (friend with benefits). A real friend I could be intimate with.

Once I was absolutely clear about that, I put a very specific ad on Craigslist and met another man looking for the same thing. I'll go into details about this handsome, sweet, smart, funny, creative, kind, beautiful man soon.

Neither of us planned on falling in love. It wasn't a decision or choice, it was a spiritual connection on the very deepest level. And for the first time in my life, it's a complete love, spiritual, emotional and physical -- and it's completely honest, with no lies or omissions.

Love is a beautiful thing. And while I know that our love will hurt my wife, I also know it's right. I know it with all my heart. And then maybe she can find real love, too.

In these blogs, I'm going to tell you a true and painfully honest story few men have been able tell, but a surprisingly large number of men have dared to do.

I'm writing this as a positive statement for others like me who are confused, scared, and need to know they are OK.

If you're curious -- as either a man or woman, husband or wife, I hope that in reading my story, you will see you're not sick or a sinner. And you're not alone. You are simply you -- at a point in your life where you know it's time to stop being who others think you should be, and start being who you know you are.

 

Comments

[Averagedancer]

03:16 PM on 10/13/2011

Not putting her at physical risk? What STD-free planet are you living on?

[debspackman]

12:40 PM on 10/13/2011

Your life is your own responsibility and I choose to bless each persons' journey, but I can't keep from wondering about the vows people make to themselves and the person they CHOOSE to care for and that ETERNITY is a very long time to live with the consequences.

[hazelpeartree]

11:39 AM on 10/13/2011

After living with this for nigh on six years, I have somehow come to accept this as a part of who he is. After all, I am not neglected, our sex life has continued, and he has agreed to get tested for STDs (at least he tells me he does) regularly. Natch, trust is an issue. But I wonder what kind of abyss in his soul needs filling up that he can't manage to fill. It makes me very sad, actually. I feel as if I have an adolescent son. And I worry that just once, he'll make the wrong choice, and we'll have to deal with the potentially terrifying consequences. He does not have a regular "buddy" - he's into just tricking with strangers he finds online at male cruising sites (manhunt, silverdaddies, squirt, nudeafrica and who knows where else). At first I was, of course, devastated, to say the least. It took me years to come to terms with this and decide whether to stay or go. He's opened up a bit over the years, even from time to time revealing that he'd tricked or was about to. One thing I know is that he loves me, I love him, and that I am his primary partner. Another is that to love someone you must be willing to let them go. I just wish he could be open and honest with himself, the world and me. We'd still love him. I also think he's deeply ashamed.

[Paluxy Moon]

08:57 PM on 11/02/2011

Your honestly is amazing and overwhelming. WOW. I was involved for two years with someone similar but we weren't married. He me almost all my emotional needs but not the physical ones, not even the need for affection. And when he broke it off it was relatively easy for me to let him go, given the lack of affection. But he remains one of the most significant people in my whole life (of 47 years for what that is worth), and I cannot hold against him what he won't admit to himself at 57 years of age what should be quite obvious.

[South Sider]

01:14 PM on 10/09/2011

I'm in the same boat as Rex, or at least a similar one. I once wrote about it on a chat site, prompting similar comments of contempt for my falsehood combined with pity for my wife.

I can't recommend this lifestyle. It's pretty indefensible. I could cite bisexuality or argue that monogamy is unnatural, but it's unconvincing. On the other hand, it's not "heinous" as one respondent here wrote. Physical abuse of a spouse is worse, or a state of routine bickering and contempt. I even think secret heterosexual affairs are more objectionable.

The deception is the worst part. My wife has known I’m gay for years, and as long as I'm discreet she never has to confront it. Yet I still must deceive her, even by omission, and it weighs heavily on me. To husbands who would judge me, I ask: Do you masturbate openly or privately? Do you secretly look at porn? We are all deceivers to some degree. Just me more than most.

Like Rex, I'm in a co-dependent relationship. That's key. It's dysfunctional, I know, but my wife and I chose to stick with it. Each marriage is unique, built on compromises. I appreciate Rex's frank contribution to a public discourse on the spectrum of sexuality. Believe me, folks, that spectrum is very wide.

[4cryinoutloud-karl]

02:38 PM on 10/09/2011

One point South Sider: It seems to be working as is, so it is functional not dysfunctional. I used to think I was in a dysfunctional relationship with my wife since I am gay... and then one day a friend asked me if it was "working?" I had to admit that it was working just as well as many other marriages and he said then it is functioning and not dysfunctional. Light bulb moment for me. Thanks for your excellent comments above. All relationships are unique.

[nikanj]

07:23 PM on 10/09/2011

Self-gratification does not expose one's mate to STD's.

And why would 'heterosexual affairs' be more objectionable?
(Maybe because you wouldn't like your wife seeing other guys,
but it's okay for you to ?)

Personally, I think the 'nice guy' dad in the article (who brings strange
men he meets in chat rooms home for some gay action while his kids
are napping) should be charged with child endangerment.

[South Sider]

12:56 PM on 10/10/2011

You're right about STDs, of course, the most troubling aspect of infidelity, though there are ways to play safely. In any case, my point about self-gratification is that most men have some private aspects of their sexuality that are not shared with their spouses.

Whether straight affairs are worse than gay ones is a fine point and not something I'd argue strongly. When a married man has a gay affair, he seeks satisfaction that is utterly unavailable in his heterosexual marriage, so on some level it seems more understandable to me than an affair with another woman. I certainly didn't mean that infidelity is okay for me but not my wife. I proposed an open-marriage arrangement for us both, but I understand it's not for everybody.

[Dasha27]

02:37 AM on 10/09/2011

I wonder if you flip your first couple of words from, "Fat. Bald" to "Strong. Handsome" and what difference does it make to your audience?

No one is calling you sick nor a sinner. On the contrary, we are happy for you and relieved you found a wonderful man to be with! Just when you end with, "...you know it's time to stop being who others think you should be, and start being who you know you are," do you mean to be a person living two lives, being unfair to both his wife (and his boyfriend for that matter)? Is this who you want the reader to sympathize with?

As for your explanation on having no sex life with your wife, why didn't you talk to her about it? But I guess when you can't talk to her about being interested in men, talking about having sex is out of the question as well.

[Shelley in BC]

07:00 PM on 10/08/2011

This is more common than people realize because it is not talked about. For women who suspect this is going on they may find some guidance in a supportive website -http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php Straight Spouse Network
Year after year of wondering why a husband shows no interest, physically and otherwise can wear away at a woman's core. There are many Rex's out there. His wife deserves to know and then she can decide for herself if she wishes to stay.

[medproof]

05:48 PM on 10/08/2011

I cannot stand the dismissive tone toward his wife. If the writer were straight, people might advise him to fall in love again or try to renew an openness with his wife. But since he is gay he does not want to explore past the convenience of his wife's so-called limitations. I don't think you're growing and advancing, Mr. Oso. You have a vested interest in labeling your wife as unchanging.

How nice that you have found a life that accommodates what you deem a necessity. I think it would be wonderful if your wife suddenly left you. You seem dastardly and selfish to me, couching craven dishonesty behind the nomenclature of "growth." If your wife is impeding your growth, then for heaven's sake open up to her and tell her the truth. It is possible (but perhaps not likely) that maybe a real friendship could develop between you in honor of all the time you have spent together. Give her a chance to grow away from you like you did to her. Now that would be brave AND a game changer, since you're so big on change and growth.

Speaking from experience [at 20 I began a 10-year affair with a married man], I believe that a relationship based on the secrecy you live by is damaging to the inner life.

Of course, your issues are your own. It's just that you seem to still be deceiving yourself.

[nikanj]

06:30 PM on 10/08/2011

I'm thinking that the secrecy is a big part of the 'electric connection'
he is feeling, and he's afraid of losing that if he 'fesses up.

And also, too, i have to wonder how much of his self-proclaimed
same-sex attraction is self serving on two levels : first, the obvious
one that he gets a free pass from the bros for going on the down-low
but second, because he must know he is really not a very attractive
prospect for most women in any realistic age group for him. Much
safer to go with guys, where his sexual inexperience is not an issue,
then to tackle the thornier issue of attracting sexually mature middle
aged women. . .

And, the whole scene with the napping kids is just so wrong.
Obviously both men behave VERY dismissively towards their wives.

As long as a person is deceiving someone else, they are deceiving themselves.

[divorcedance]

03:59 PM on 10/08/2011

The problem with infidelity is that sooner or later, someone falls in love. So it's no more "friends with benefits"...it's "lovers without benefits"....

[rosiemcguire460]

07:25 AM on 10/10/2011

I completely agree with you !!

[4cryinoutloud-karl]

11:13 AM on 10/08/2011

Relationships are so much more complex than most knee-jerk-reactions to this article can articulate. A well written timely article written by Rex but one that leaves much needed information out for us to make judgment calls on. There are myriad things besides sex that glue marriages/relationships together. I can totally relate to Rex and know first hand that this is too complex and individual to give him advice, beyond to stay true to himself. And that I'm pretty sure, that one some level, his wife knows. She may not know details, but she knows and she opts to stay and continue with what they do have going for them.

[BrianPK80]

07:21 AM on 10/08/2011

Thank you for sharing this. It's a very common experience and it's refreshing to have a voice describing it firsthand. Some of the comments below are a bit rigid. While it sounds like you could begin to take reasonable steps to broach the subject with your wife, it doesn't necessarily mean the marriage needs to end (if it can somehow work for you two, that's what matters). If she's been disinterested in sex for 10 years, it's conceivable she has other interests as well...

[cinemaven]

11:25 PM on 10/07/2011

So absolutely unfair to your wife...

I've been married for 31 years and if I felt the need to be with someone else, I love and respect my husband enough that he'd be the first person I'd tell... long before I ever did anything about it. I honestly can't imagine anything my husband could do that would stop me from loving him but if he did what you're doing, allowed me to live a lie and taking the option out of my hands, I suppose that would do it.

It's heinous that you're lying to your wife every minute of the day, and denying her the happiness you claim to have found... you went on Craigslist!! This isn't even something that just honestly happened to you, you went looking for it but you keep up a pretense of having a happy marriage ... I hope one of your wife's friends recognizes you in this piece and sets her free if you won't. You're right, what you did will hurt her but every day you lie to her will increase that hurt.

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled... your wife deserves nothing less than you do.

[amitypb]

10:51 PM on 10/07/2011

Yes, it's wonderful to know that it's perfectly natural for a man to love a man. and to find oneself after 50. Yet I can't get that wife and what she'll do when she finds out (and she will.) Having talked with and read the email posts of over 20,000 straight spouses whose mates come out as gay or lesbian or bisexual , I know that pain , anger, hurt, and fear his wife will fear. Not that he intended to hurt her, but she will be devastated by the knowledge of his secret life , his betrayal of her trust, and the rejection of her as his sexual mate.

[averagezoe]

10:10 PM on 10/07/2011

Good for you, 57 year old man! I am glad that you at least had the courage to do what you felt you needed to do even if it was late in life and I'm happy that you found someone even though you're fat and bald - I'm not being derogatory, but you know how looks matter. As to your wife, from the way you make her sound, she'd probably have a cow if she found out, so unless you're ready to divorce her, don't tell her. I'm a heterosexual female and if you were my husband, I think I'd want to know but I also think I'd understand. If I were in your situation, I'd do precisely what you're doing. Life is too damn short to deny one's feelings and you should grab every bit of happiness you can. If it offends others, f.. them!

[land2341]

08:52 PM on 10/07/2011

Here, recently, I have heard at least five different stories from women whose husbands completely blind sided them with infidelity with both men and women. It was not the gender of the person they were cheating with that mattered nearly so much as the deception. She may choose to stay married to him if he wants to stay married, but she has the basic right to know. This level of deception is just wrong.

[Desreine Taylor]

05:26 AM on 10/27/2011

Im sorry, bu his wife does NOT have the right to know . . . so she knows and then what? It's better that he ends the relationship with his wife & move on to his lover without telling her & thus spare her the pain & hurt. There's a reason why these relationships are done in secret. Whoever heard of an open affair . . .what if you were seeing someone else, would you just tell your spouse? So easy to say such things . . .

[Dasha27]

03:34 PM on 10/07/2011

Sooo...do you plan on telling your wife this way? Perhaps she is reading your article and all of the comments below it right now?

I keep thinking about this article. As I noted previously, I was in love with a man for six years and he came out to me. It was a huge surprise. He was my best friend, my partner, and I would do anything for him. I am, of course, happy that he is happy. Still, the last year was the hardest in my life.

Rex, if you have any questions on what you think your wife will go through or experience, let me know and I can personally tell you.

I have nothing against people's sexuality preferences and I have many friends that are straight, gay or bisexual. The fact of the matter is that my heart continues to hurt from being kept as a shield to protect my ex-boyfriend and the fact that he took so long to be honest with me.

We tried being friends and he even introduced me to several of his boyfriends, but this was completely unbearable to me. As crazy as it sounds, for awhile, I thought that every man I knew was gay. Again, I am happy for him and that he has found his comfort and love...I cannot help the way I feel and my emotions still remain a wreck. I cannot explain in one post what your wife is about to go through...

[abhorson]

06:06 AM on 10/08/2011

you're precisely right .. his sexual preferences are nobody's business, except his, his boyfriend's AND his wife... and she has every right to know what's going on...

[MIMom]

09:23 PM on 10/08/2011

You hit on something there.

Does anyone consider the long-term emotional damage that she will suffer? The trust issues, the self-worth lost?

{hugs} to you.