06/02/2010 01:10 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Hot Tub Peace Machine

Shortly after September 11th, 2001, I decided life was too short to deny myself every pleasure known to a married man. So, despite my wife's disapproval, I bought myself a jacuzzi for the backyard.

It was a brilliant decision.

Every night, without fail, I retreat to the garage, disrobe entirely (thankfully no hyperlink provided) and submerge myself in the 104-degree bubbling water. And every night, without fail, I emerge from the jacuzzi, calmer, happier and more at-ease with the world.

This is no small feat. Considering I was born in the Bronx, raised by raving screamers, worked my way through college as a short order cook, lost a fortune in the recent financial meltdown and live in a house with a wife and two pre-teenage daughters, all crossing various hormonal thresholds.

And that's what got me thinking. If a simple hot tub and 470 gallons of bubbly water can work wonders on me, perhaps there is some hope in our seemingly hopeless battle with violent religious extremists.

What if we are going about this Iraq/Afghanistan/Pakistan/Taliban/Al Queda situation all wrong? Maybe these militants wouldn't be so hotheaded if they just took some time to soak in some hot water? If we can't win their hearts and minds, maybe we can relax their aching infidel-killing muscles?

I'm not sure this is the right solution, but considering our lack of progress in this area, it is worthy of consideration.

Perhaps President Obama could suspend the drone missions in the Wazristan Valley. What if instead of flying Predators, we brought out the belly-dragging C-117's. And airdropped hundreds of state-of-the-art stand-alone hot tubs that require no plumbing or hard wiring?


My modest Jacuzzi can comfortably seat 2 adults and three children. But I know there are much larger models, like the Superious 8800 Series for instance, that can accommodate 12 angry Jihadis. And each model is equipped with 55 radical-calming jets. And believe me, those patented Fluidix Rotating TurboJets can go a long way to soothe the urge to plant an Improvised Explosive Device.

To show we really mean business, we should go the extra mile and include some SpaRazz Fragrance Crystals.

I like the Eucalyptus Mint.