03/16/2015 04:05 pm ET | Updated May 15, 2015

Typically, at this point in the year, I would sharpen up my knives and skewer the corporate-sponsored, digital jizz-a-palluzza, aka the yearly SXSW Festival.

Or as I like to refer to it, Burning Cash Man.

There's plenty of low hanging fruit here.

Hipsters, douchebags and impossibly prescient prophets, with one word names like Dingy, Melon and Pazz, telling us what the industry will look like in five years.

I'd love to revisit their previous lectures from 2010 and see how many of their precious predictions came to fruition.

Because here's the thing, the shitty banner ads, rich media flash thingamajigs and obnoxious page takeovers that I hated or ignored five years ago, are just as shitty, and indeed shittier, in 2015.

And the brand conversations I was supposed to be having with Wheat Thins, Right Guard Deodorant or even PearlVision, makers of fine reading glasses since 1947, I'm still not having.

Perhaps that breakthrough Brand Engagement Unit is just around the corner.

One can only hope.

Or at the very least, waste countless hours at the many forums and panels at SXSW that will be discussing these riveting issues, just as they have been since they corrupted this indie music event 19 years ago.

If I were to hop on a plane and go to Austin, I wouldn't want to miss these seminal get togethers:

Maximizing your brand's inner potential, presented by Plaxo, Foursquare and Google+
Tuesday 9:30 AM Presidential Suite at the Austin Ramada

Elf Me 14, the Return of America's favorite photo upload phenomena.
Wednesday, 10:00 AM at The Austin Comfort Inn Wedding Banquet Room

Going Long, a discussion with the industry's remaining three 45-year old copywriters
Thursday, 6:00 AM at the Austin CVS

But this year is not typical as I was in Austin just two months ago. And loved the city. And I'm somewhat hesitant to make Austin the pork-butt of my jokes.

However, if I were to go, my itinerary would look a lot different.

For me, the most important must see events would include a return visit to Black's BBQ and their super spicy homemade hot sauce. Then I'd sample the legendary beef ribs at Langfords. And of course, the obligatory stop at Franklin's where I'd hope to taste their classic Texas brisket.

If you didn't know the line at Franklin's can stretch out a 1/4 mile long and diners have waited up to 5 hours in the pouring rain just to get in.

Imagine what their business would be like if they had a TweetDeck and a few good banner ads.