"Kidlessness" or, It's Not About the Children

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
- Dick Cavett

Remember the Seinfeld episode where the Long Island couple wanted Jerry and Elaine to "Come and see the ba-a-aby!"

That cry is being heard less and less because too few people are having kids, and the trend is creeping upward. A non-child-rearing population is taking over in ways that our forefathers would have been scared to see coming.

A close female friend and I have had the same running joke for years. When asked about our prospects for having children now, one of us chuckles: "No pets, no kids." It's that simple.

In years to come, being kid-free will have less of a stigma attached and elicit some wicked pangs of jealousy from the world of the nuclear family. We people with no kids get to do everything, and yeah we get it, the kisshugwarmth from a kid is cool and all, and still people wonder all the time if the cleanup followed by terror is worth it. What fresh hell!

If you, like me and my partner, are running on the selfish track you find it hard to fathom what it's like to be with a child, or even a single adult, 24 hours each day. So here's my tale:

Three of my closest women friends had babies in their forties after swearing off the thought. They all got happiness -- each of them has regrets that she shares with me only under alcohol. One of my friends actually said, "You don't like kids" to me, knowing full well that's not true. But I like them in your home. I don't mind being insulted, but I've held strong. You tell people like me that it's "all different" with children, and I'm sure it is -- in ways that can be understood when you're there.

Even those so-cool parents -- with a sitter on deck -- don't live their former lives; they pretend to. Well, I hope they pretend. It's either that or they're not really good at parenting. One faker I knew had a babysitter "on deck" (living in his apartment building) so he and the missus could stay out drinking till 2; the baby was months old. He is all about the "possession" and I'm thinking spending nights with the kid is a positive of procreation!

I don't prescribe to guilt, so "got to do it" never appealed to me. And then, sadly, many friendships take a hit as soon as the kids push out. It is good that new "urbitudinal" moms are closing their wombs to kids. Witness this press release from 2007 out of the University of Florida:

Women view childlessness much more favorably than men do, likely because parenting places greater demands on mothers, especially those juggling work and family responsibilities, a new study finds. Can you imagine this: a woman takes off an average of 11 years from career for family!

Parenthood -- 11 years of dedication. I can't get why one word makes people feel so warm and cuddly. I'm told, however, that parenthood has different consequences for women than for men. So says Tanya Koropeckyj-Cox -- a sociologist whose intriguing study is found in Journal of Marriage and Family. "Although fathers have become more involved in childcare and housework in recent decades they provide fewer hours and generally less intensive care on average than mothers," she said without any irony.

A release about her study put it well: "Results suggest that women regard both childbearing and marriage as being less central and more optional in women's lives" (Koropeckyj-Cox).

A lot of people have decided -- see upcoming statistics -- that they don't want to be the ones who mutter "You would understand if you had a child" to their pals. Based on U.S. census data, 44 percent of women aged 15 to 44 are turning away from rearing children. By the year 2010, that figure is projected to have risen to a child-free movement that has statisticians worried. In Europe, it's been a slow buildup, and the next decade looks scary.

Whereas the United States has a 2.0 fertility rate (the average number of children that a woman is expected to give birth to), Italy has for years had a 1.2! European countries are taking steps to address the specter of sharply uncompetitive workforces. The Italian Labor Minister announced the government will offer incentives to keep people at work past the minimum retirement age of 57.

Spain has a doozy of a birthrate problem. According to the WHO, its fertility rate a few years ago was 1.1, the lowest in Western Europe. In North America, a newish study by David Foot, a demographer at University of Toronto, says that as more women are getting highly educated, they wait longer to have kids -- sometimes until they no longer have the desire.

I speak (and I shake my head with delight) of a politically incorrect movement that has started around the world called Childfree. This crazy change of pace differentiates those who choose from those who simply cannot. One of my favorite organizations is called No Kidding! International, a nonprofit club just for singles and couples who are standing firm.

Jerry Steinberg calls himself "Founding Non-Father"; he claims that people are starting chapters everywhere, with their own hilarious lingo, too, such as bratley for bad kids and PNB for parent/not breeder, a way of acknowledging someone did it right.

As you know, unruly children make the kidless nuts! Pals complain about their messy homes all the time. I tell them: "I didn't tell you to have them." I am, however, stating the unobvious: "I'm friends with you. I'm not friends with your kid."

There is a kinder and gentler side to this post, and for that I turn to Lisa Groen Braner, author of The Mother's Book of Well-Being, who explains that something happens to parents, and new moms in particular, that makes motherhood an all-consuming experience. "Friends need to be patient, during the first year especially. The mother [and father] gets sleep-deprived, she may be nursing. Her whole perception of the world is altered. And the moms need to understand that not everybody finds talking about babies all the time completely fascinating" (Beth D'Addono, "Can This Friendship Survive?", The Star-Ledger, August 3, 2003).

To paraphrase an old folk song: "What shall we do with the childless?"

A couple of years ago I got invited to a first birthday party. I like parties, although you wouldn't have known it from the hissy fit I pulled that afternoon during that nightmare. Everyone was someone who owned a kid. I ran from the room. Naturally, I was the topic of conversation for the rest of the guests. And some days later, as if on cue, I overheard a childfree lady talking to a buddy: "I said I'm not able to make her three-year-old's party, and boy did she think I was evil. She snapped at me big time: 'Can't you just drop the gift off and leave?' Is that what it's come to?"

For millions who choose to remain without offspring, it's our yucky freedom after all. We find it strange when people inform us what great parents we'd make because this is not about the kids. It is about friendship. If a bond is real, it survives distances, fights, kids, illness, and even death. It doesn't matter who takes residence in your home. You were there before, and you will be there when the nest gets emptied out . "A friendship is like a garden. You have to tend it and water it. Or it dies." (Thank Sondheim for that tweet.)

I appreciate your putting your kid down while you read my diatribe. And remember there are more like this at home: Try my book, 2011: Trendspotting The Next Decade, from McGraw-Hill.

Follow Richard Laermer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/laermer

Comments

[boognish]

Personally, as the father of a two year old son, I find that people without children are some of the most judgemental folks out there. Complaining incessantly about all their friends with kids, and continually exhorting the benefits of being childless, as if they felt the need to justify themselves somehow. It has really been a surprise to me. In my little liberal neck of the woods, it's there's definitely a negative stigma about being a "breeder". I imagine it would be a whole different vibe in some other parts of the country though.

Funny thing is, the anti-child, liberal "intellectuals" will be out of business soon enough without procreating, while the flag-waving, GOP loonies will keep right on reproducing.

[dos20902]

Are only the stupid people procreating?

[AlanNC]

We need a childfree town to save the planet by using contraception funding to eliminate the massive public school taxes, established using the Big Sort. Only The Big Sort can give us a majority and eliminate public school taxes.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/childfreetown/
http://www.thebigsort.com/maps.php
-Al

[redkim]

Your childfree town sounds a lot like China. Thanks but no thanks. I definitely would refuse my tax dollars funding such a town. To the point where I would risk going to jail because of tax evasion. Seriously.

[northernperspective]

I thank my various friends all the time for having "my" children for me. I attend their school pageants. I rejoice in their good report cards. Watch them dancing and lip-synching to singers I've never heard of. I play video games with them and have them read aloud their favourite books while I lay on the couch with a cup of tea, listening and laughing at all the right spots (not easy when it's a nine-year-old doing Harry Potter #12 or something). Teach them a little about paying attention to the world outside themselves. I can't afford to add to their mountains of toys, and refuse to resort to junkfood or TV like their exhausted parents sometimes do. But I watch the news with them, asking and answering questions. (I'm creating a secret cabal of mini-liberals - don't tell their dads.) And we often end up looking at videos of kittens doing hilarious things on YouTube.

It's not parenthood, but it's close enough.

[Chingerone]

Me thinks you dost protest way too much. Are your motives altruistic? Hardly. You are selfish, material possession minded people who couldn't care less about family. This sixty-three year old grandmother of three girls and mother of two daughters - and believe me, I know better than anyone that none of the five is perfect - wonders what all of you fancy free, willingly childless people are going to do when you're seventy or eighty. Who will be sitting around your table at Thanksgiving? Whose eyes will sparkle and continue the magic of Christmas morning? Who will be there to listen to the stories of your youth and pass them on to the generations to come? To whom will you pass on your favorite recipes, treasured books, pictures of you finishing your first marathon? To whom will you give the gift of the knowledge of your years? Seems to me you just want to take the easy way out (all relationships take work, even or maybe especially, that of parent and child) so that you may continue to live your selfish, hollow lives.

[Lam56]

Sorry, but I think that you are the one who is protesting too much. There are answers to all of your Norman Rockwell questions if you think about them. I am speaking as a person who has kids, and I know that my childless sister and several childess friends are very much loved not only by my own
children but by other kids they know. In fact, two of my adult children are still very good friends with their seventh grade teacher, a wonderful woman who never married; they visit her every time they are home. (I am sometimes a little jealous at much they adore her.)

My sister is always welcome at my Thanksgiving table, and she is the one who usually does a great Christmas brunch that most of her nieces and nephews attend.

You really seemed to miss the point of the article, I would say.

[meadowgirl]

amen. if more of us ChildFree were more vocal about why we chose to not have kids...it would eventually become a non-issue. i'm lucky, i love all my friend's children. they are my friends because they know how to be parents, not breeders.

[redkim]

What's the difference between a parent and a "breeder"?

[meadowgirl]

a parent is someone who actually gives a crap and also parents their child. you know, the type of person who when their child is screaming holy effing bloody murder in a grocery store, removes said child as quickly as possible.

breeder is a term that denotes a person who has kids to have kids. there is no deeper meaning, they are just "Mommy" to the exclusion of all other topics. they also helicopter parent (Google it. :-D) and they let their children run rampant. they are also the type that refuse to see a lifestyle outside their own narrow version.

breeders are people who have kids and feel that there is not only "special" but it means it entitles them to special privileges. you know, i don't have to wait , i've got a baby with me! type of attitude.

they are the worst type of person much less parent.

[Ciaochowbella]

As a purposely childless person, I really hate the attitude that parents have toward me. Either they think I'm completely unaware of the rigors of parenting or they act as if I am some sort of mutant because I don't want kids. Actually, BECAUSE I am aware of the rigors of parenting is why I don't want kids.

Also, parents, the sun doesn't rise and set on your child's head. Quit expecting the world to love your progeny as you do. Trust me, they aren't as interesting as you wish they were. Oh, and quit acting like my life is somehow "less fulfilled" because I didn't opt to reproduce. I don't regret remaining childless and you shouldn't shower me with fake pity because I'm not as miserable and consumed with children as you seem to be.

Now, I've got a date tonight. He's hot, single, and 28. I'm 42. Y'all enjoy Friday night skating with the young'uns.

[sort84]

"Also, parents, the sun doesn't rise and set on your child's head. Quit expecting the world to love your progeny as you do. Trust me, they aren't as interesting as you wish they were."

--Thank you!! I know that you love your kids and that's great, but for those of us that don't, I don't need your family history when I say your kid is cute.

[Jennifer Hagan]

I have a child. Most of my friends are childless. I love my child and she is part of my family just like my husband. I honestly couldn't be friends with someone who didn't like my kid just as I couldn't like someone who didn't like my husband. I mean it is a strain and sorry my progeny is just to important to me to put a friend first. I love my friends as family but I love my family first. If someone told me that they hated my mother's guts, they would have to hit the road. My childless friends are cool. I understand that they don't have kids. We don't always talk about my little one. I don't bring her with me to hang out with them if they have important things to talk about. I listen to them and they listen to me even though they may not get it. I don't expect them to. I was childless for a long time and I liked kids but wasn't that into kids. But because I loved my friends, I went to birthday parties and dealt with the situation was was appropriate. My child is pretty well behaved so I don't have many complaints. I love my friends so much that no matter how their children act, I love their children because they come from them. Friendship is so profound that I don't getthe part when he said friendships last through empty nests. Parenthood lis forever man.

[greendogdemo]

Boy, Richard Laemer must not live around here. Most young people have at least two of the little critters in tow at all times, or the nannies do. And yes, to who ever said having kids is selfish. Absolutely. Little Mini-mes is the ultimate narcissistic act, in my childfree mind.

Of course, I haven't figured out the whole who'll take care of me in my dotage thing yet. But judging from at least several of the offspring of friends, I wouldn't count on being taken into the cushy homes of your kids any time soon.

[sort84]

Trophy babies are all over the place here too. I've had two different families come to my work this week both expecting their seventh child.

[cfh4030]

>>>If you, like me and my partner, are running on the selfish track

In my view, having kids is the selfish track. Couples who breed (not couples who adopt or foster) are breeding because of selfish reasons (what they want to have, what they want to do, their expections, their hopes, their wants, their needs) that have nothing to do with the little person they are bringing into this overpopulated, overpolluted planet.

[Jennifer Hagan]

Have you tried to adopt? It is cheaper to have your own. Also, some people are not suited in my opinions to adopt the children that are available. Some people are so damned culturally insensitive that they have no business adopting a baby of another race or nationality when they are going to only give those kids complexes. My friend decided she wanted to adopt a baby from China or Brazil. She couldn't afford it. When I suggested a minority child from the US she simply said oh no I can't. Having a child is a decision that is personal. It isn't for you or me or anyone else to say that it is selfish. Why don't you go adopt a child or two if you think it is self having one of your own.

[Michelle Kennedy Hogan]

I really enjoyed this post - and as the mother of seven, that's saying something! For the record, I did not put down my kid long enough to read the post - I nursed my 5 week old through it while watching "Go Diego Go!" on Nick Jr. with my 2 year old!

I have often admired those who choose to remain childless. It's so much more honest and compassionate than those who feel like they "have" to have children - and then neglect, ignore or abuse them.

I am so grateful to hear, too, that there will soon be a crisis in countries not having enough children - maybe those who cry overpopulation and blame me and fellow mothers of large families will finally get off our case about having so many kids!

I love my large family. And while I am far from being a perfect parent and my children are far from perfect - our crazy, messy life is perfect for us.

-Michelle Kennedy Hogan
largefamil­iestoday.c­om

[BassguyGG]

Hey, different strokes. It doesn't make folks wrong to not want kids. There are a lot of people who have them who had no business procreating. Witness the many instances of child abuse and neglect we seem to read about constantly.

That said, the great adventure called "parenting" can be quite fulfilling.

[rdowli]

My maternal grandmother, whom I loved dearly, said to me one time, "If I had to do it again, instead of having kids I'd have raised chickens. When the chickens give you too much trouble, at least you can cook em and eat em!"

[leorising]

Parenthood =/= Instant Virtue. Having a kid does not automatically make you a good parent or a better, wiser human being. If you'd all stop saying, "You don't get it," you'd hear us shouting back, "We get it! We just don't /want/ it!"

Not everyone needs to pass on their crappy genetics to unwitting carbon copies, or subject another human to a the scarcities of a single-parent home, with a scary and tenuous future in America, in an already dirty and overpopulated world. It's not always about being selfish.

I'm childless by choice, and proud of it. I made what I think was a responsible decision.

Do you get it?

[Shizuka]

You say by being childless you are "running on the selfish track." Actually, remember the Zero Population Growth Movement? No two ways about it, the overpopulation of the planet is the cause of global warming, something many people who choose to have children refuse to hear.

Those of us who care about our planet, and the future of all species, and do not choose to add to the human burden, are not on the selfish track at all (though you may be), but quite the opposite. And for all those people who really love children there are many, many children in dire need around the world. Adopt! You really do not need to procreate.